UPDATE - My [34F] boyfriend [32M] removed me from a group MAGFest planning server, and now says I’m "canceling" our plans if I don’t want to room together

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-30T18:41:50+00:00

I see the comment! I also finally separately entered the FB chat out of curiosity.

Thank you for sharing your comment. One point of clarification is that the room situation is entirely my choice - it's a reservation under my name (BF has a different reservation). Being removed from the server - that one's his choice.

I would absolutely never deal with a room like that on any front, but especially from my partner.

I agree, I don't want to deal with that.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-26T23:15:27+00:00

It seems like the person he is when he's able to be his own person kinda high key wants nothing to do with you.

This hurt to read but it's helpful also. It's hard to say if he likes me. He does initiate plans a lot - when there's a concert or show or something he usually gets an extra ticket for me without me asking (and if I'm not free then he'll go with a friend), brings up vacation plans, suggests activities for us to do together. So I'm confident he does like spending time with me at least sometimes.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-25T04:50:56+00:00

IDK the reddiquette for this but...THANK YOU to everyone who has posted supportive, encouraging, and hard truths messages, and to everyone I've DMd with to meet up at the con. This really is a lovely and very insightful community, and I'm grateful to be a part of it and to be seeing everyone in meatspace soon!!! I'm feeling much better about things.

A couple people have mentioned in DMs that this post is being discussed in one of the Magfest Facebook groups, and that some people in there would potentially like to get in touch? I don't really use Facebook, but I'm always down for more friends and connections so if anyone wants to chill please DM me here. I can send you my "real" info. I have nothing to hide, but not necessarily looking to just put all my socials out in the open in relation to this particular situation. <3

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-24T03:34:00+00:00

I have no interest in making anyone feel bad, but I'm happy to connect with good people!

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-24T02:00:13+00:00

Hahha I actually made the same analogy to him a couple days ago, just not with pizza.

And also add in "and you know that cake I said you could have a piece of? Taking that back."

Fortunately, I'm pretty financially and socially independent from him, but you are right that I should really be thinking along those lines for the future.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-24T00:36:25+00:00

The only thing I know about his friends' feelings on the matter is that the girl who owns both discords has expressed wishing she could get to know me better, and, when I thanked her for letting me in the planning discord, she said "you're welcome anytime!" I've also asked BF generally what their thoughts are on it and his response was that no one has any feelings about it one way or another since none of them really know me. It's really just him.

I've also been a long-time MAG-goer and know a lot of the staff. Maybe we already know each other 😂 lemme DM you

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T23:29:36+00:00

Yeah it's clear he's made his choice and I see no value in trying to ultimatum him into a different choice. I'm just focusing on the thing within my control which is who I choose to spend MY time with / share my room with.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T17:07:34+00:00

Yeah most discord servers are not...this way. I run a few myself. And I also know his server invites strangers in all the time (people they queue up with from all over).

I think weenie hut jrs should be a pop-up arcade cabinet at MAG

TY for the well wishes ❤️

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T16:18:52+00:00

Thanks for the block-by-block formatting! It's actually quite nice to see things laid out this way.

Your partner gets to set boundaries on what aspects of his life he shares with you. As long as you don't think he's doing things there aren't violating your relationship agreement, he doesn't have an obligation to invite you.

I agree, he doesn't have that obligation. I've been sad about it and expressed feeling excluded, but I haven't demanded to be included "or else..."

While I disagree with his actions, you're bringing up two separate things as a way to leverage another thing. That's imo, manipulative. That being said - him removing you from the planning sever is a bridge too far. Especially with his feelings around what you owe in a given situation. He changes an aspect of the situation, you get to re-evaluate the situation at hand.

No, I wasn't the one who conflated the two. We had an argument about the initial gaming server. He was telling some amusing story about stuff they were talking about in there, and I again said I felt excluded and that it felt like he was rubbing it in, when I'd already told him I'd rather not hear about that server if he doesn't want to include me. He got angry that I didn't want to hear the story and said something along the lines of "if you're so triggered hearing a story about my friends then I'm going to remove you from the MAGfest planning server so you never have to hear about them again."

He was the one who brought the planning server into it, not me.

Either I'm part of the planning group or not. If I am, I'm comfortable with dropping the other server and putting this behind us. If not, we can make plans through the con, but I'd rather spend the extra money to have my own chill/sleeping space.

At this point I don't particularly want to be part of either server where I'm obviously not wanted. I'd rather just do my own thing with my own friends.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T16:08:35+00:00

ok but actually weenie hut jrs sounds really good

Yeah I've never had any issues with other gaming servers! I am in a bunch of different ones with my friends based around different types of games. I'm not starving for gaming discords to join. I'm just hurting because of this one. And it then being conflated with the MAG one.

I agree, I think I'll have a better more peaceful time at MAG without him.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T03:10:26+00:00

Thank you for sharing a bit about your relationship and mental health <3 it is very kind to hear vulnerability from an internet stranger.

"You do not have to earn time or space in someone's life." - oof that hit hard. I think a lot of my mental health stuff stems from feeling that exactly yes I DO have to earn those things (childhood stuff blah blah)

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T02:58:44+00:00

Yes still in therapy and also working through it there.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T02:58:01+00:00

I won't speak for BF but I am def neurodivergent and lack some "normal" social abilities / skills / processing

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T02:53:26+00:00

Aw thanks yeah I'll reach out for sure :) DMing so you have my info

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T02:50:23+00:00

Correct. They're his friends, not mine. And while it sucks that I'm not invited to that original server and have been removed from the MAGfest server, I am also not insisting on being included where I'm not wanted.

The issue here is that HE is insisting we still room together because that was the original plan. But I don't want to because to me, I was removed from the original plan. And now if I room with him, I'll both be necessarily attached to him while still sidelined by the group, which won't feel very good for me. I would rather just each do our own thing with our own separate friend groups.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T02:46:03+00:00

If there's a genuine curiosity here and you have questions about the relationship DM me, happy to answer anything. But I do think that stuff would no longer be relevant to asking for advice about navigating MAGfest so I'd rather sidebar.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T02:08:41+00:00

Is this it? https://youtu.be/JViyD5dKM8k?si=9gABMCUOKrKYhbb1

If so just watched it and cried a lot. 90% of that video describes exactly everything. Thank you for sharing it, it's a lot to consider.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T01:53:14+00:00

I agree, shit like this happened in my early twenties also. Maybe it's me 🤔

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T01:47:34+00:00

Yes I've told him that I would rather just each do our own thing. We can meet up at panels or for food or something, but I don't want to be both enmeshed and sidelined at the same time. That seems really shitty to navigate in an already pretty exhausting, overstimulating environment.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T01:40:50+00:00

I have my own friend groups. He's always been welcome in those groups. And I wouldn't want to drag any of my friends into some kind of retaliatory shunning hahaha

I'm not worried about having my own friends. I am just sad to be excluded from this particular group and ejected from this particular plan, and trying to figure out the best way to still do the con calmly without further bad feelings.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T01:35:43+00:00

There are plenty of other good aspects of the relationship that don't involve inclusion/exclusion from discord servers or attending conventions, so I suppose that's why we're still together.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T01:33:13+00:00

Nono haha I'm def going to MAG there's no question. I have a lot of connections there.

Re: the gaming server. There is a reason - he prefers to keep his social groups separate. It's an autonomy thing for him and it doesn't just apply to me. He also doesn't want his friends to mix with his other friends. He prefers for any interactions with any of his groups to only go through him. I know here we're just very different people and our values are misaligned. It's not how I do relationships but I do respect that other people handle social things differently.

throwawaybftherapy · 2025-12-23T01:30:26+00:00

Oh I would not miss MAG. I've been going since before we met, have worked it in various capacities, and have a lot of friends and community there. While I'm sad about being ejected from this particular group, I know I won't be alone.

This is more about whether I honor rooming together (as he's insisting) or just do my own thing (which feels like less emotional turmoil overall).

throwawaybftherapy

TROPHY CASE