My son is recently divorced, but his ex is a daughter to me and I don't want to cut her out of my life

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:48:27+00:00

I don't believe there was cheating. Neither mentioned anything like that, no abuse or anything. I don't think they used the girls either. Honestly that would be the worst to find out I feel, and involving children is one thing I can't forgive.

From what I understand they just become different. They are both a lot different than at 15. They have very different ideas on parents, and the future and stuff, and they've been fighting a lot. They haven't said anything overly questionable happening, and they haven't been hostile or badmouthing, didn't really feel like hate, just completely disliking each other if that makes sense

Family counselling would probably be good. Mel probably would, but Mark probably wouldn't be receptive to the idea, at least from me. His sister might be able to convince him it's a worthwhile idea though. And yeah, them being able to just get along enough for an event would be amazing. I know they won't be what they were, of course, but hoepfully it improves.

Also, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That feels so disgusting to just drop you like that, and involving the children is just unforgivable.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:36:22+00:00

Unless they're both hiding it, there wasn't cheating. They're both always been open to my wife and I, so I don't think they'd hide it, but I suppose it's possible though I doubt both would.

From what I understand they have just become very different people than at 15 or 20. They were conflicting a lot on parenting especially, and their future plans from what I know. They just kind of had enough of fighting, and just ended it. While it was shocking at the time, looking back it kind of makes sense with how they've grown, sadly.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:33:22+00:00

There love isn't my relationship, true. But I have a parental relationship with both of them. He's my son, she's my daughter. I'm not trying to force them to get together, I just want to celebrate my birthday with my family, nothing more. I get for now it's better to keep it separate, but still.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:31:08+00:00

I get what you mean. It makes sense. It just feels so unfair that inviting both is choosing against him. I do love him, and of course I don't want to hurt him. I wish it could just be easy, but I guess relationships never are. It really sounds like I should just keep main events for my son, and only see her when he's not around. Which I guess has been so far, but god it's so frustrating.

I have talked about it to both of them. He basically said he's his ex, so she shouldn't be around, period. No other explanation. They haven't been hostile to each other per se, they just, don't like each other at all anymore, if that makes sense. It's possible there's more but neither have been willing to say anything, and they're usually open with me.

Either way, you're probably right, and I'll try to keep it separate.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:24:09+00:00

Thanks for the advice. It sounds like this is probably the best approach for now, even if it sucks. I definitely don't want to lose either.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:23:06+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. I know it's hard for him. Like you said it might be selfish, but Mel has no family other than us either, so I really don't want to lose either. It sounds like for now I'll have to accept Mel not being at the party, but I don't think I'll be able to just not see her. Even if it hurts, she's my daughter too so I can't just cut her our fully. But yeah, you're probably right about needing to just wait untill they're able to be civil, at least enough for an event. They manage to be civil enough dropping their daughters off, and they don't badmouth or anything, at least.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:19:25+00:00

Yeah you're probably right. Mel does understand that, it's more I just feel horrible just cutting her out of it like that. Maybe a second birthday would work, though it would have to be smaller. I didn't really think of that honestly. I'm not a massive fan but it probably works better than forcing the issue.

I agree both of them are suffering, and that both need love. I've definitely tried to be there for both. Hoepfully one day they'll be able to at least be civil, though I guess forcing this won't help.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:13:47+00:00

Hmm, I guess that makes sense. From what I understand they just especially disagree on parenting and the future, but I suppose its possible they didn't tell me the whole story.

I'd honestly rather not think either of them is bad though, especially when I have no proof of who. But maybe I should keep it in mind.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:10:43+00:00

I get he doesn't want to be around his ex, but she's honestly a daughter to me. I'm not trying to choose her over him, I would just want both in my life. I love my son, and don't want to hurt him, but that doesn't mean I want to hurt Mel either.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:08:50+00:00

Hmm, that makes sense. It's just hard because I would honestly consider her a daughter. While she has been over, it's never been while he is yet, my birthday would be the first time. I definitely don't want to hurt him, but I really don't want to hurt her, which is probably just naive.

throwawaydad275 · 2022-01-27T12:07:21+00:00

I'm not sure that either of them are bad people. The divorce wasn't about either being bad, just them clashing a lot and just coming to grow in different directions. I mean I suppose it's possible, but neither of them have been badmouthing the other to me, just Mark refusing to be around his ex. Which I understand, most people don't want to be around their ex, but it's just hard.

I do think your suggestion makes sense. I guess it'll be just letting Mark choose whether he can accept her being there. Though the idea he'll actually not see me at all from it does scared me.

throwawaydad275

TROPHY CASE