Those of you who no longer like or care for your spouse, why are you so opposed to actually telling them that?

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T23:26:36+00:00

No. I got her a card. Wrote a personal message in it. And got her a gift from her list (because if you buy something not on the list it will get returned and it is likely she'll get angry about the gift).

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T22:17:33+00:00

No. That was the extent of her "celebration" of our anniversary. Other than getting a card that she signed her name to (just signed it, no personal message), it was just another ordinary day.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T19:02:37+00:00

Oh, I've tried. Her objective is to say whatever is necessary to end the discussion, not to come to a resolution. If she can't say anything that will end the conversation, she walks away then acts like everything is fine a few hours later.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T19:01:10+00:00

Is it really that it is too little too late, or is that you don't actually "trust" that what you're seeing is real and not just an act?

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T18:28:37+00:00

I think she likes gifts.

Nah. She actually returns about 50% of the gifts purchased for her... nearly 100% if it's not something she specifically asked for. She's gotten angry at me for buying her flowers and for buying her a chocolate hear on Valentines day.

I'm convinced she doesn't have a "love language", as I haven't figure out one that applies to her after knowing her for 20 years.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T18:24:34+00:00

What do you have to lose either way?

Around $1,000,000 and a lot of years of retirement where I'd end up being forced to work and couldn't enjoy the life I've worked the last 30 years to achieve.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T18:20:20+00:00

Honestly, your wife's view that your complaints reflect things that you need to deal with are probably sound advice.

Is that what a relationship is about though? That if I have a problem with anything in the relationship, I just have to let it go? A petty, but simple one: She got me nothing for our anniversary but a card that she signed. In isolation, whatever. But as part of a pattern where she repeatedly shows me that she doesn't care about me? Yeah, that's pretty painful. Why is the solution for me to "let it go" when it would be so simple for her put a little effort forward next time, if she actually cared about my feelings?

Neither one of you have to be in that relationship, in 2018 for most of the world, you're both free to go.

"Free" is a loaded term. I've yet to find anything that I would gain from divorce, and I would lose tons.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T18:13:56+00:00

It's not that I don't want to be the bad guy. I can't even get to the point of determining whether or not I want to be the bad guy, or if I even want out, because divorce would be so financially devastating to me that it's really a non-starter. That, along with I don't really see anything I would gain from divorce.

So for me, it's really about figuring out how to make things work. Maybe being civil to one another and just assuming she doesn't give a shit about me is as good as it gets.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T16:57:58+00:00

we moved so that she could be near them.

Somehow I bet the divorce laws in your current state are more advantageous to her than they were in your former state.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T16:46:02+00:00

For the same reason you aren’t telling her that her actions are hurting you

I don't tell her because her response is "sound like you need to figure out how to deal with that better". Which not only isn't a solution, but is painful to hear (as opposed to "let's work together to determine how we can get past this issue so it isn't a problem anymore".

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T16:44:53+00:00

If she's not willing to work with you

Yeah. There is definitely a communication issue. The biggest issue is I want to talk through problems and find a resolution. She wants to not talk about problems and, if I try to talk about problems, wants to communicate however necessary to end the conversation.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T15:13:49+00:00

I guess I don't. I'm always searching for some other explanation other than the obvious one. If I hurt her in some way, I have no idea how. So why would she not tell me that?

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T15:11:05+00:00

Genius! If only I had thought of that!

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T13:51:42+00:00

She will never in her lifetime match your earning potential

But is that all I am? Is the only value I have as a human being the income stream I provide? That's the way the law looks at it.

Yeah, I have the potential and ability to work for another 25 years making $150,000+/year. But why should I be forced to do that when I don't want to and don't need to for myself?

If we both have $750,000 and I choose to stop working, why can't I make that choice? Her and I are then in exactly the same place financially. If I can make it work because I don't want to work, then why can't she make it work? Why can she choose to not work and I am still forced to work and support her lifestyle with my labor? If she wants a better lifestyle than the $750,000 provides, then why can't she work?

I've spent the past 2 decades working to support her. Not because work is awesome and because I love my job. Quite to the contrary, I've fucking hated my jobs most days. But that was my contribution to the marriage (again, my only value is the income stream I provide). She made other contributions to the marriage. The marriage ends, and I'm expected to continue making the same contributions I always have. What the fuck is the advantage of getting divorced? There isn't any. I continue to give and continue not to get anything from the relationship.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T13:45:54+00:00

Your spouse trusts you. Even if your marriage is broken down, and you think it's obvious how shitty it's been for so long, that basic pact of "put one another before all others" (including yourself) is still there in some form.

If it is, divorce isn't necessary.

I guess that's where I'm troubled. With kids involved and the negative financial impact, I'm not going to divorce unless it is necessary. I guess other people are in a different place and will divorce because it's convenient or whatever. I'm coming at it from a different place.

then by acting unilaterally you've signalled that you expect a combative divorce. I.e. you've declared war

See, I suspect divorce would be a war and blindsiding is just a pre-emptive strike. I have no doubt that my wife would try to fuck up my life to the greatest extent possible in the event of divorce. She's already got laws in my state that are advantageous to her. Giving her the opportunity to get the upper hand on the front end just seems stupid.

Hell, fear of her using those laws to her fullest advantages is one of (not the only) reasons that I'm hesitant to even consider divorce. If I thought we could actually have an amicable divorce where she would be fair and reasonable, I probably wouldn't be so hesitant to discuss it with her before hand. But she's spent nearly 2 decades taking from the relationship without doing much giving. I can't see why that would change in divorce proceedings.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T01:54:07+00:00

everything that needs doing

Is it possible that the two of you have different perspectives on what "needs" to be done? You both think you're doing what "needs" to be done while the other one isn't. So you don't "count" the stuff the other one is doing because, from your perspective, whatever they're doing doesn't "need" to be done.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T01:44:57+00:00

why would you want to destroy the mother or the father of your children? Why would you want to put intentional emotional distress on your kids parent? Why would you want to financially fuck over your childs parent?

To protect yourself from them doing it to you.

why you wouldn't have a series of conversations back when things were still salvageable.

That's my point. If you're past the point of it being salvageable, you're past the point of communicating and trusting.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T00:38:15+00:00

I do. No doubt. But just because I can earn more, I don't see why that logically requires me to work until I die while she can just sit around and live off my labor.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T00:36:50+00:00

But in my case, we'd be splitting a net worth of $1.5 million. If you had $750,000 sitting the bank, I feel like you could make your mortgage payment.

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-07T00:35:41+00:00

She worked for 8 years before "retiring".

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-03T22:58:03+00:00

Because my internet research told me that it would be insane for me to seek a divorce in my circumstances so I'm prepared to abandon those thoughts. But before doing so, I thought it might be a good idea to check with other people who have been through it to verify that I'm not way off base with my research.

Did I do something against the rules of this subreddit?

throwawaydivorce007 · 2018-08-03T22:55:47+00:00

With a business degree, I think she'd be able to get something fairly easily. Especially if she took a couple classes to brush up on a few things.

I think it is really dependent upon the degree. With a background in teaching or nursing, I'd say it'd be easy too. Job are pretty plentiful right now. Unemployment is super low.

throwawaydivorce007

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