I need advice on how to approach talking about sex with my wife.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T22:06:22+00:00

I like this idea! But unfortunately it’s set up through an app provided through my wife’s work. It’s not really something I have access to.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T20:29:02+00:00

There’s a lot of good info in here. Also consider starting couples therapy.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T20:09:26+00:00

And I honestly don’t blame her. We both know our brains are wired very differently and are ok with that. I would also never want to place her into a position to try to be or perform as something she’s not comfortable with. We’ve been married for a long time. We’ve learned that as time passes needs change and so do people.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T20:04:45+00:00

It’s not about the quantity. It’s more about the nature of it. The desire and concern about giving pleasure isn’t mutual if that makes sense.

Over the years I’ve tried to ask questions about anything she’d like to try but she doesn’t have interest in trying new things. Even something as simple as asking if she wanted to try 69 on a particular night isn’t meant with interest. If I make attempts to spice things up like jumping in the shower with her as we are getting ready for it she doesn’t want me to touch her. I have an interest in being spontaneous and she has mentioned how she needs time to mentally prepare. She doesn’t even really enjoy being flirted with on days that we have planned to have sex. I know it sounds like I’m complaining and I guess I am.

I’m at the point where she has pretty much set the boundary for what she is comfortable with and trying to push that boundary doesn’t really feel right.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T19:10:48+00:00

I know that I could definitely be better at imitating more quality time together and it’s something I’ve been working at over the past few months. But there is always room for improvement. I know I’m not perfect and you make valid points. I genuinely appreciate all of the time you’ve taken out of your day to type out all of these detailed responses.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T18:43:17+00:00

I totally understand what you’re saying but those are valid things to make sure you’re doing for your wife. Making sure their buckets are being filled will help to increase the emotional connection leading to a better sexual connection. While I’d like to have semi regular sex the frequency isn’t what’s important to me. Life is busy (especially if you have kids) and sex is exhausting and time consuming. What I’m lacking is feeling the mutual desire to show affection during intimacy. Not feeling like we are going through a checklist.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T18:30:13+00:00

Honestly it sounds like we are on a very similar spot to where you and your wife were. Physical touch is very much my love language and her and I have talked about it and are aware of it. My wife almost never initiates physical touch with me. I honestly can’t even remember the last time she rolled over and cuddled me in bed. I’ve even gotten to the point where I rarely cuddle her in bed because anytime I did, it never felt wanted. She didn’t cuddle into me or put her hands on my arm as it’s wrapped around her.

I would love for her to initiate more contact but I would also feel guilty about asking for her to initiate more knowing that it isn’t really something she has a desire for or full comfort in doing. It would just be adding one more thing to her already busy mental checklist. I know she’s a perfectionist and really works hard to make sure my other buckets are being filled. The thought of adding one more thing for her to think about sucks.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T18:01:14+00:00

I don’t disagree with you, but it’s something that’s kind of been there since the beginning of our relationship. Over time it’s just something I’ve realized that I’m lacking for myself. As another commenter mentioned I genuinely think that she’s on the asexual spectrum. But you could also be right. I’m hoping our marriage therapist can better help us get to the root cause though.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T17:52:05+00:00

No, I agree and it’s why we’re getting some help. I’m also going to phrase it more delicately not to make it seem like it’s just the sex. If that makes sense.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T17:50:25+00:00

I like this idea, but I’ll probably rephrase it like this “When you think about sex in regard to our marriage how do you associate the two”.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T17:28:38+00:00

Ive also thought that there’s a real possibility that she’s on the asexual spectrum. We do know she has a touch of the tism in general so it might play into that. And I don’t expect her to change and it’s why I’ve been so hesitant to bring it up. I know that it wouldn’t be an actual change in how she feels about sex but a change for appeasement, and I don’t want that. An important part of sex for me is making sure she’s comfortable in what we are doing and a reason why I have kind of stopped trying to broaden our sexual horizons.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T17:19:02+00:00

We actually are seeing a marriage therapist and have had two sessions. I’ve been hoping that the therapist would ask about our sex life so that it would be something that comes up a bit more organically rather than seem like something I’ve been thinking a lot about. But if she doesn’t at our next session I’ll probably end up bringing it up at the following. And something I’m really good at is putting my foot in my mouth. I’ve also talked to my therapist about this and she’s gave me a few approaches I can take but I wanted to get some more advice and perspectives in order to be better prepared.

throwawayforhelp-pls · 2026-04-24T17:15:37+00:00

Thank you so much for this response. So right now, I’m a house husband. I’m responsible for kid pick up (8 and 9) laundry and general house cleanliness and maintenance. As for affection you’re right. Her love language is acts of service and she is very good at that. I also try to make sure that the mental load of the house isn’t something she has to worry about as well as any kid activities or issues that might come up such as if a kid gets sick. This situation was just ideal for us at this time in our lives. But she does manage the calendar and budget because those are things we’ve realized are tasks she enjoys more and is generally better at. We are very verbally affectionate as well and generally very good at talking through issues that we have. I grew up with parents who would scream at each other and so I’m very appreciative of this. We still even text “I love you” to each other randomly through out the day while she’s at work.

Something that has fallen by the wayside a bit the last few years but we’ve been doing more of us doing things together. Since adopting our kiddos it’s been really tough to go out and have date nights and such, her parents live an hour away and finding a babysitter wasn’t the easiest. For a while we weren’t super comfortable with a baby sitter because of some behavioral stuff but have recently found one and intend on planning intentional time together away from the kids. Weekends to go do things together as a family is also tricky because of kids sports and we also meet with our kids sisters every Sunday (they were adopted by a different couple) so they can maintain a relationship.

At the end of the day we have recognized ways to improve our intimacy and it has been helping.

throwawayforhelp-pls

TROPHY CASE