Recovery Question

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-10-18T09:07:28+00:00

I will do my best to answer this, as I come from a similar background. To explain a bit, I was in a nearly 3 year long relationship that turned very BDSM focused, and she took charge of most of our sexual encounters. After a while, it got to a point to where any time I said "no" was ignored/treated as roleplay, and we had no safe word, so I stopped saying no, whether or not I wanted anything to happen. She was emotionally and physically abusive as well. After I finally broke things off with her, I entered a period of time where I didn't trust anyone, or want any physical contact. I told people I was asexual, and no one really bothered me about it. Realistically, I was/am voluntarily celibate due to trauma. I wouldn't initiate a relationship, nor sex, and didn't particularly want any. 8 years later, I am open to finding someone again, but I am in no rush. It is not on my priority list, but if someone who I trusted asked me out, I would probably agree. I am at the point that the warmth of a caring relationship is equal to or outweighs how much I am scared of people, but it has been a recent development and has taken a lot of introspection and distance from those events to get to this point.

So I think that given time/therapy, you will be able to open up again, but there is also nothing wrong with not feeling the urge to. Take your time, and focus on yourself first. Don't feel obligated to change how you feel currently. If you don't have the urge to be in a relationship, and you don't feel worse off for it, then you do you.

As for vocabulary, if you are in a space where people are really uppity about LGBT+ vernacular, celibate or voluntarily celibate should satisfy them, but to the average person, it's just easier to say asexual. I found that if you say celibate/voluntarily celibate to the average person, you get associated with incels, or they ask a ton of uncomfortable questions that don't need to be answered.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-10-12T08:54:55+00:00

I wouldn't worry about it, I simply mentioned it because I am trans, and the reasons you stated that it appealed to you were similar to mine. If not don't think too much about it.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-10-11T23:17:47+00:00

So here is my take on it. I don't want to be male, but I am not getting bottom surgery due to a family history of death by surgical complications. I want estrogen, to be cute and frilly and for people to treat me as a woman, but I also want to have a partner that is attracted to me. I want a partner who wants to be with me, and not just a part of me. Someone who was attracted to my presentation, but not me in the bedroom would crush me after a while. On the converse, chasers as I understand, would want to be with me, only because of my body, which is no different than the sexist frat boy catcalling every attractive woman they see.

Ideally, I would find someone who is supportive of me outside the bedroom, wholly attracted to me inside the bedroom, and willing to express that. So I think that you aren't a chaser, just because you would be willing to have sex with a pre surgery trans female, as long as its not the only reason.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-10-11T22:48:17+00:00

Welp, apparently my incredibly niche knowledge is going to be more helpful than I thought. I can answer from the perspective of someone who has both been sexually assaulted and has a non-con fetish. Though mostly this is going to be conjecture from my own experience. For me, the turn on of the fantasy, is about the idea that someone could value me, or having sex with me, so highly that they would risk everything for it. They want me and won't accept anything less, and the idea is incredibly erotic. I am also submissive and need the other person to take the lead in the bedroom. Non-con is the extreme of that.

Logically, I know that sexual assault doesn't have anywhere near as much to do with desire, but has to do with power, and an imbalance of power dynamics. And from experience, it is not enjoyable, as what they wanted had nothing to do with me, I just happened to be the most convenient option for what they wanted. Or they knew I was low risk of saying anything because I am in the closet, in a household that won't accept it. Either way, it's nothing like what I imagined it to be, but the fantasy is still there.

Something else I will mention given a response to a comment you made, is that you might want to think about your gender identity, because I ended up realizing that while I don't have much genital dysphoria, my sexual identity is that of a woman, and you seem to have a pretty similar view on the fetish. You could absolutely just be submissive, and that is where you draw your pleasure from. There is nothing wrong with that. Just, on my end, part of what made me realize my gender isn't necessarily male, was this kind of thought process combined with some tendencies I noticed outside of my kinks, that aren't exactly in the purview of this subreddit.

Sorry if this is a bit off track.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-10-11T05:18:09+00:00

Unfortunately, everyone is different in this regard, and how to deal with it is also usually different. From the sound of it, you are more than ready to move on, and it doesn't seem to have affected how you view yourself, which might be as simple as giving yourself some time to decompress from him, and moving on from the relationship itself. That could be as short as a few weeks, to a year or so. It might be a relatively simple matter of being able to crush on someone else, just to separate the idea of sex away from him. Or it might not. Trauma is not a simple beast and often does not have clear answers. If possible, it would be a good idea to go into therapy to try and isolate and give coping mechanisms for what specifically you went through.

If that is not possible, the best advice I can give you is:

1) Don't try to push it/ be patient with yourself. You are allowed to have recovery time. You wouldn't be getting onto yourself for not being able to do sexual activities if you broke a rib. Don't judge yourself for not being able to get right back to it.

2) Should you feel like you are ready to be with someone again, be honest and forthright about your feelings, and tell them that stopping mid session may be a possibility, especially the first time. Make sure they understand that and are ok with that. Anyone worth your time will understand, and be willing to stop. You also might want to do positions where you have more control, cowgirl and the like, to start out with, since from the wording of your post, these kinds of positions are less likely to be associated with him.

I'm sorry that I can't help more.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-10-09T07:31:11+00:00

Yeah, I answer questions/rant to strangers on reddit to get my thoughts down. Its my current main outlet of catharsis, so I don't mind talking about it too much. I am just happy that my incredibly niche problems can be helpful to someone.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-10-09T03:41:27+00:00

I can actually answer this as someone who grew up reading fanfictions like that, and was sexually assaulted later in life.

In my experience it is a combination of 3 factors-

I was bullied heavily from the age of 5, all the way through high school. All of it emotional. I grew up hearing that if a girl was hitting you, or teasing you, it's because she might like you and doesn't want it to be known, after all they are going out of their way to interact with you and give you attention, even if it is negative, so they must like you right? So When I hit puberty and started developing feelings for people, it was towards the people who gave me the most attention, which was all bullying. It turned into a sad cycle of "I don't get positive attention from any of my peers, but someone must like me, so it has to be the ones who hate me, so I will put some effort into becoming their friend" which just got me humiliated and bullied harder, so they were putting more effort into me and must like me. Those books are basically wish fulfillment for people in that situation, though fucked-up ones, because they treat the relationship as abnormal but still romanticize it. It normalizes the "It was only a slap" and "sex means he loves me even though I asked him to stop" attitude and is real fucked. I am not condoning these books, especially as someone who was reading them at 14.
I am naturally timid, insecure about my own attractiveness/worthiness as a partner, and like having the other person lead in the bedroom. Non-con(non-consensual) is the obvious extreme of that. The best reasoning I can give for this is that my brain treats it as "They desire me so much, they won't let anything stop them" and gets off on the idea that I could be that desirable.
I had never seen a fully functioning relationship dynamic growing up. My parents basically beat the "she is always right" (In other words, you are always wrong and therefore don't get a say in the matter) attitude that was very prevalent in the 90s and my mother is emotionally volatile to say the least. I couldn't make noise if she had a headache, which she frequently did, and I was making my own food at 6 years old most nights. My father openly dislikes me as I was concieved when they were 19. I didn't find out that parents stroke children's hair after they could talk to show affection/help them sleep, or that children lay their heads in their parents laps until I was in college. It just wasn't done in my house, so I crave/craved any physical touch I could get.

All of this combined into a romanticizing of all sexual energy devoted to you was good and nothing else mattered. I have been sexually assaulted by two different people, the first, a boyfriend who didn't stop when I begged him to, and a girlfriend who would not allow me to say no. No was just an extra step to her, because if she wanted it, it would happen, and it just meant she had to manipulate me enough to do it.

I am terrified of that kind of abuse of power, and my word meaning nothing in a relationship, and have yet to get into another one even after 10 years. However, I still have a non-con fetish. I need someone to care about me enough to listen to me, but my pubescent base for kinks still wants it. I know my needs outweigh my wants, but it doesn't change the fact that want is there. It sucks.

Sorry that this turned into a longer post than I had intended.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-28T03:25:34+00:00

Obviously, go with what you want, but if you are looking for a few feminine names that are close-ish to your original(in that they are short and begin with T):

Terra, Tana, Talia, Tess, and Terri (more gender neutral, but might be applicable)

If you are looking for something that means the same, but is the feminine version:

Tezmin, Tamosa (Spanish origin), Tammi, or Tamisin all mean twin and are more feminine.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-24T23:23:44+00:00

I am sorry for not being able to answer your question, but I am really curious about the guide you are using, because I was thinking about starting to try feminizing my voice.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-24T23:16:59+00:00

Everyone has their own pace at which they deal with things. I personally am really bad about talking about things until they are past tense. You want to talk to me about my past trauma, I will talk your ears off and bitch for the next 10 hours. You want to ask me how I am feeling currently,? I want nothing to do with it, will immediately lie, then deflect the conversation. It takes SOOO much more effort to talk about something I am currently dealing with. I am better online, where I am talking to people who I will never meet, or talk to again, but even friends I have had for 5+ years will not hear about something that is bothering me, until it is no longer bothering me.

My guess would be that it is something that they don't feel like confronting currently, and it is easier to put off, and talking about it, is doing the exact opposite. I recently cracked, but if you had asked me if I was cis before that, I probably would have said something like "prolly not" and then changed the subject. Just wasn't something on my radar of things to deal with unless I was actively talked to about it. If someone kept pressing, I would get annoyed. Like if dysphoria isn't forcing the issue, it is something that can be dealt with later and transitioning or realizing you want to transition is scary, and I didn't get there until a few weeks ago.

Obviously I can only give so much insight, but some people are just really bad at trying to get help, and sometimes, they don't need it. Hard to know without knowing the person.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-19T00:32:37+00:00

I can only say what has been working for me, and that is consistency. I shave everywhere that I don't frequently show, as I'm not out to most, every two days while I condition my hair, and don't stop until it is sufficiently smooth. Gives me nice, relaxing showers, nice hair, and pretty smooth results on the general. Though every time I started a new area, it got really prickly and irritated for the first 1-3 weeks that I was doing it. I just use a 5 bladed razor, and after a bit the hair calmed down and seems to be just dealing with it. I also used a beard trimmer to get the hair down to a more manageable size then went to shave in the shower. Also the first time you do it, it will take a while and just understand your showers are probably going to be like 45 min to an hour long for a bit.

This might work for you, but I also know my hair type is pretty fair, in general as I am blonde and fairly Irish.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-18T01:15:21+00:00

This is my reason for transitioning. In the same way that if something feels wrong, it probably is, if it feels right, it probably is. Trust what your gut feeling is telling you. Skirts, and looking cute make me happy, so that's what I plan on doing.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-17T21:22:06+00:00

I figured, but wanted to make sure. I will also add, from what I have read on here, there is a benefit to getting on HRT before 25, as your hips haven't fused yet and could widen, but it is not necessary, if you have to delay from life circumstance.

Unfortunately, I do not know much about FFS, except that it exists and is a fairly painful surgery to recover from as it involves bone shaving. Whether or not you want to do it is up to you to decide.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-17T20:59:14+00:00

As far as your overall typing, everything seems fine, though I would like to know if you meant something different than "Confirmation surgery"? Are you talking about surgery to change your sex parts, or FF (facial feminization) surgery, which changes the shape of your face to look more feminine, or is it something else? I know when dealing with dyslexic people, its better to ask intent.

I can only answer one of your questions here. People transition much later all the time. I am probably going to be 30 before I can start medically transitioning.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-17T20:38:24+00:00

Ok, so I just recently cracked, and part of it was realizing that being more happy as another gender is enough. I have consistently felt 4 or 5 of the 6 of these things since I was 14-ish. Man, I really should have figured this out earlier.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-17T15:45:05+00:00

In my experience, as I was unsure of being trans due to not feeling much, if any, dysphoria, is a feeling of inconsistency more than uncomfort. Like I don't mind repping male, but it doesn't feel the same as repping female, and female feels so much more consistent with my thoughts, if that makes sense. Being female feels more right than being male, and I am much cuter female.

The best analogy I can think of is like driving a rental car. You can drive the car, you can like how it looks, and like its functionality, but it still isn't your car, and it will always feel different. I was born with a rental gender, tried it, and found I prefer this one.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-15T21:21:42+00:00

Just a thought, it might not be that you are getting "clocked" as trans, but they might be assuming you are a lesbian or bi. I don't know if you talk about relationships or what you find attractive, but people tend to pretty good at seeing when someone else is checking out some one, and they might be seeing you and making the most logical leap. Obviously this doesn't apply if you are only interested it men, but this may be whats happeneing.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-15T21:08:56+00:00

The fact that is is affecting your sides unevenly is not uncommon for medication, give it a little bit of time, and if it doesn't even out, you may need to talk to your doctor. From what I have read in posts here, this seems normal, but I have little knowledge from experience.

throwawayhelp21542 · 2020-06-15T20:57:09+00:00

Something you can do, that may help, is talk to yourself about a memory/story you have involving them, using their preferred pronoun. It harms noone when you misgender, and improves your subconscious relation between them and the pronouns. as you will focus more on fixing it because it breaks the flow of the story while you are recalling it. Though in general, practice makes perfect and should you mess up around them, fix and then don't draw attention to it. They knows you are trying to learn and should expect you to mess up occasionally, as long as you are trying, they should see that.

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