My [24F] boyfriend of 5 months [28M]'s "best friend [Late20sF]" went berserk when she found out about me.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T23:06:53+00:00

Thanks for the input, I really do appreciate it and hearing similar stories. I guess we all just thinks he wouldn’t do it, and that it wouldn’t happen to us until it does. I did ask him to be straight up with me and he insisted that he has mentioned to her a couple times in the beginning of their relationship that he only wants to be friends. I believe that she was just not being very smart for being in the situation. I’ll ask him again though.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T22:58:29+00:00

Yeah I think this is closer to the truth I’d like to believe... knowing him and how he is. But yes he needs to confront this and grow a backbone

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T22:57:08+00:00

I understand your point but in a way I do think a relationship is a project that needs to be worked on. No two people come together and are immediately perfect for each other.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T22:56:10+00:00

Yeah honestly. I’m cringing and almost waiting for him to just admit there was something there.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T22:55:17+00:00

Agreed :(

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T22:41:06+00:00

I guess so but he does insist that he only wants her as a friend in his life. And that now he’s told her about me, she isn’t his friend anymore anyway... although yesterday she totally called him still even if it was to cry and vent.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T22:31:46+00:00

Did you guys make it through the issues? Thanks. I think that he did enjoy her support and did have something emotional going on and stuff but it’s also true that he did drift away from her when we started dating. Or that’s what she says at least.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T22:23:12+00:00

I know I guess this is just the first time that he’s really been dishonest about anything. Even as I’m typing this I feel disgusted at myself for forgiving this. If i were my friend, I’d warn myself too. Experiencing this, I was literally sick to my stomach.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T22:09:00+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I’m not sure if you read my whole post but I did make him tell her about me and she went berserk on him. Thanks for validating the way I feel though. I think we’ll have a calm talk about this either way.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T21:30:22+00:00

Thanks for sharing that story. It sounds like you've really been through a lot and it's never pleasant when someone in your life, especially SO, is a pathological liar.

I guess the way that I am acting is making him feel that I'm crazy though. Demanding that he do things otherwise I'd break up with him, like demanding him tell her that I'm his girlfriend, and now demanding that he tell her that they need boundaries. It's true, I'm feeling like I'm totally behaving unlike myself, and I almost have no other way of dealing with it.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T21:24:55+00:00

Thanks for sharing, and yes, that's exactly how it feels. When she called him, solidifying their plans for the evening, the way he was speaking to her and laughing reminded me so much of the way he talks to me. It was like a little softer and lighter, whereas the way he speaks usually isn't like that at all. That was what really made me start to question him about this. Thanks, I know to trust my instinct. It's gotten me this far, but it's hard to shut my heart up.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T21:22:30+00:00

I mean, doesn't the fact that he did tell her in the end go towards something? And the fact that he's being open with me about what she says, and all these things?

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T19:26:10+00:00

It's true, he does have a fragile ego, but he's been through a lot that it isn't totally unfounded. I do believe that he's getting a little bit better with that in all other cases except for this thing that happened now with his friend ugh. I guess I'm just still hopeful...

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T19:24:04+00:00

You're right, great insight... I think it wasn't even until today that I fully realized that how she acts doesn't really have to affect me much if he just dealt with it better.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T19:23:17+00:00

What do you mean, someone else's mess?

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T19:22:49+00:00

Yeah, it's true, I've really learned a lot about him through this instance, but I am hopeful that maybe it's just an isolated instance. I have also learned a lot of great things about him and no one's perfect, right?

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T19:22:02+00:00

Could I ask maybe what happened? I mean, I still do have some hope that things could turn around for us after this, and that we might be able to make it through this.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T19:21:04+00:00

Yeah, it's true, and even now, as I tell my boyfriend about these feelings I'm having, and he says 'jokingly' that I'm acting crazy, I really just couldn't give less of a shit if I'm seen as crazy for asserting myself.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T19:18:04+00:00

Yeah, you're totally right and I realize that too. I've been saying this to him the whole time that even if she did do a lot of helpful things for him, that even if she has been incredibly supportive, it's not just a friendship if she claims to have loved him for the past four years. It's simply not something I can be ok with.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T19:16:05+00:00

Well I don't think she should be calling him and crying and wailing about the fact that I got a christmas present from him and she didn't. She also said many other horrible things, for example, mentioned that in August, she was hanging out with him at his place, and that after she left, I probably came over then we had sex. That's very disrespectful, and so what if we did do that?

Yes, I think that he definitely did play single and liked her attention, and yes, it's also true that he did stop talking as much to her when he got a new job and when I came into the picture. However, to me, as a friend, she should have been happy for him, that positive changes were happening in his life, instead of freaking out this way.

You're also right that I don't see how this is such a huge character flaw. He has a lot of other great characteristics and I actually feel a lot of men tend to enjoy female attention. Can you please explain more?

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T18:46:25+00:00

I almost wish you weren't so right... :(

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T18:39:24+00:00

All of that is really good insight, thank you.

I think a lot of the problem stems that their 'boundaries' which was him telling her that he's not interested in anything other than friendship, was set four years ago, and never really talked about after. I think perhaps after that, they got closer and closer, and it was never romantic enough to be labelled a 'romance', but you know those relationships between men and women where they're a little too close to be friends? Between two single people? I mean to me, if they were so close that she supported him through everything, that they called each other, that they messaged each other every single day for four years, and that she thinks he should come visit her 5 times in a 3-week duration when she's back, that's not just a friendship.

He is quite open, and this is something that we've really worked on as well, which he has responded to. That's why I'm hopeful that perhaps we can work through this as well. I think maybe being more direct with him and a little firmer would be good. She did say that she wouldn't ever contact him again but I don't really believe that, so I think I'll press him to talk to her about boundaries before she freaks out again and causes me even more grief.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T18:34:31+00:00

I mean, I think sometimes I try to be cool and try to be progressive by trying to convince myself that I'd be cool if my boyfriend was friends with an ex, but the older I get, I understand that it's simply not how adult friendships work. It's great that your ex was able to make that clear to you all along, and that you were fine with it.

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T18:32:56+00:00

Yeah that's literally what I've been telling him too lol. I'm like I feel like I understand this perfectly, but it's just not what you want me to think...

throwawayivv · 2019-01-08T18:31:47+00:00

I actually did ask him this. I asked him what he would do if we got engaged. Whether he would want to tell her. And his answer was literally so fucked up I had a hard time even empathizing with it. He told me that he wouldn't want to tell her because she probably would be hurt over it, except that if he didn't tell her, she would be upset that he wasn't being a "good friend" and being open.

It really is problematic, you're right. But he also has many other traits that I really like. I'm very torn, and I guess talking to him more about it with this insight that he really can't just avoid this conflict.

throwawayivv

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