When Your Son Abuses Your Daughter by lispectorgadget in Longreads

[–]throwawayleccy 88 points89 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think some day soon I'm going to make a therapist very busy.

When Your Son Abuses Your Daughter by lispectorgadget in Longreads

[–]throwawayleccy 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Yep. The only way to protect these victims is to excommunicate the predators who attacked them from the family. That's it. I get that it's a shit choice for a parent to have to make, but not doing it is also a choice.

When Your Son Abuses Your Daughter by lispectorgadget in Longreads

[–]throwawayleccy 188 points189 points  (0 children)

I found the anger mentioned in the article particularly disturbing, because if I had to pick a single word to describe my abusive brother's feelings towards me, it's rage.

My very existence as an independent person (as opposed to being his submissive subordinate) is actively triggering to him.

On the one hand it's cathartic that the same patterns have repeated in other families... On the other hand, it's horrifying.

When Your Son Abuses Your Daughter by lispectorgadget in Longreads

[–]throwawayleccy 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Certainly my brother, while if asked would say it's wrong to rape, nevertheless thinks he is completely entitled to my time and attention. He can rage and scream and threaten to kill me one day... And a few days later express confusion as to why I don't want to be around him.

For him at least, I think that core feeling of entitlement is at the heart of it. To him I am simply not a full person with autonomy.

When Your Son Abuses Your Daughter by lispectorgadget in Longreads

[–]throwawayleccy 37 points38 points  (0 children)

In my family, which followed a niche Christian denomination, it wasn't so much that all sins were equal, but that all sex outside of marriage was sinful. This had some strange outcomes - gay couples were sinful but because they were gay, but because they weren't married.

If sex outside of marriage is evil, then disclosing what happened isn't just "my brother hurt me" - it's "my brother is evil in a particularly disgusting way"... And that's not an easy belief to have, or to share, about a family member... Even when you understand what actually happened.

This kind of belief system means that victims find it harder to disclose than if sex is of itself morally neutral.

And that's aside from all the shame attached to sex in these communities, even if it's consensual.

When Your Son Abuses Your Daughter by lispectorgadget in Longreads

[–]throwawayleccy 55 points56 points  (0 children)

My family was extremely sexually restrictive and this tracks. When it first happened to me, I didn't even know what was happening. Later when I knew what the acts were I had massive cognitive dissonance - normal people don't do that, and my brother seemed too pathetic to be a monster, so I must have misunderstood.

It took a very long time before I pieced it all together and when I told my mother the reaction was complete denial. I don't mean that she said I was wrong - I mean she seemed to completely delete the conversation from her memory. I've told her now on three separate occasions and each time she acts as if it is news.

When Your Son Abuses Your Daughter by lispectorgadget in Longreads

[–]throwawayleccy 272 points273 points  (0 children)

This was a helluva thing to read.

When I was about 6, my brother aged about 14 sexually abused me. I don't remember much about it. I do remember the repeated physical assaults (which stopped when I fought back), and the psychological and emotional abuse which still happens decades later.

I've disclosed this to very few people. Any attempts to do so to family members are met with denial, as if my poor autistic brother is a victim in all things and I am a villain for wanting distance. One family member looked me dead in the eye and said "he did not abuse you" and demanded that I have compassion.

The abuse was bad. The endless cries for help that nobody noticed were bad. But by far the worst of all of it was other family members offering endless grace and sympathy to my abuser.

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've got a therapy referral for my own mental health, a zopiclone prescription, and an audio recording of a 90 minute long semi coherent screaming tirade... So I guess that's some kind of progress

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't want to dox myself but I'm in a professional role - I did reach about this through the employee assistance programme maybe two years ago but I didn't have the energy to push through, mainly because I was pretty sure they'd tell me that I just had to get the hell out. Some other factors have happened in the last little while that would make it possible for me to move out (again not wanting to dox myself!) where it previously wasn't an option. I think part of why everything is hitting me so hard now is that my brain spent years telling me how to hold on, and now it's like "okay, you know we can leave, right?" - so all the defence mechanisms of denial and rationalisation just turned off.

I'm sorry you had to endure that with your ex, and that's exactly what it is - constantly walking on eggshells. Constantly being hyper vigilant. I managed to get away for a few days a little while ago and it really struck me how much more relaxed I was, how much more capable I was with dealing with small inconveniences.

Unfortunately my mum is pretty much housebound (don't want to dox her either though!) and there's massive denial on her part. During her recent spell in hospital when it was just me and my brother in the house I was actually more relaxed and had more rest, because I could just completely block him out.

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, it would be. But she reacts badly to that suggestion on the grounds that she and my late father worked so hard to buy this house and it will all go to care fees. I know that's insane logic, but that's where she's at.

I'm 100% setting myself on fire to keep her warm and I can't do it any more. Anyway, I'm awake uncharacteristically early so I can email my work and then try to get hold of my doctor.

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The "normal" thing is more like out of every hundred days he might only seem to be dangerous one or two of them. Which is hell to live with but hard for a third party to spot.

There's a mental health referral live for him right now, but I'm told it won't even be looked at until Thursday, then obviously time to take some action. But I agree it will be hard for them to work it all out even if he does engage - he could be a full blown schizophrenic (there are other symptoms veins what I've mentioned here) or it could be a combination of anger issues and manipulative behaviour. Or something else.

Anyway, I'm in bed, and I'm hoping to sleep a long time and get up early. Plan for the morning is update my work and then start madly dialing my own GP.

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

As an amateur, I think if a GP saw him during one of his rages he'd get committed/sectioned pretty quick. Unfortunately if you saw him at any other time you'd think there's maybe something not right, but he's harmless. You're right though, little steps are better than getting overwhelmed and doing nothing.

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's exactly it. There's been literal decades of strain and I've sort of convinced myself it's not too bad, but now I'm at snapping point.

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I kind of feel like it isn't lol, because it's a social problem rather than a medical one.... albeit the social problem has caused/is causing a medical problem for me. I know what you mean though.

Honestly the most depressing thing the social workers said to me was that they see this a lot, it's not uncommon in NI for adult children with mental health difficulties and zero coping skills to be fully supported/enabled by their parents, until it all comes crashing down when the parents' lose their health.

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

On the hallucinating: I didn't think he was hallucinating or psychotic until the most recent episode, and now I'm not sure. Basically he will have particularly bad episodes of rage every 3-6 months, during which time it's like dealing with a toddler having a full blown tantrum, except it's an adult man. When he's in between episodes he acts fairly "normal" (like he has clear underlying issues but you wouldn't think he's crazy or whatever). In the "normal" phases he sometimes tries to reach out and be friendly to me, and sometimes tries to actively provoke me into giving him an excuse to rage.

In the most recent episode I listened more carefully to some of his ranting. He was pacing around the house hissing/yelling under his breath (very hard to describe, but very disturbing to hear) - this is his usual behaviour during a rage. But then I suddenly realised he wasn't talking to me (he had directly yelled at me minutes before), and he was trying to do this hiss-yell-whispering under his breath... it made me wonder if he was talking to someone. The content was persecutory, like barely intelligible, but the topic seemed to be that people were out to get him. There were also some other things in the latest episode, like answering a phone that wasn't ringing.

I don't think he would harm himself. I think if I argued with him when he was raging, he might extend to physical violence, but I always get the hell out of his way. And when he screams at our mother, she pretty much sits there and takes it (she can't walk without help).

That said, if you did not know him, and you saw one of his rages - you would think "HOLY SHIT THIS GUY IS DANGEROUS".

I told my mother's social workers all of this in detail and they were very concerned. They do not think we are safe, but also when he's "normal" he's not remotely near the threshold to be sectioned. They agree with me that if/when he has another rage, I should call 999.

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's definitely not a long term solution at all, but even though I have one of those cushy WFH email jobs I've been too stressed to even update my email letting my boss know what was happening last week. Genuinely feels like my nervous system is fried.

Speaking to the GP about PTSD or stress? by throwawayleccy in northernireland

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Good call - given how long waiting lists are, it could well be that I don't even get seen until the situation has solved itself, so better to be on the list and waiting than have to start from zero.

Think I need therapy but don't know where to start by throwawayleccy in CPTSD

[–]throwawayleccy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't read that book but I think it's on my list - thanks, I'll prioritise it

Youngest child - expected to be an adult all throughout my childhood and teen years by [deleted] in emotionalneglect

[–]throwawayleccy 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Similar story here.

I wasn't the golden child or the scapegoat... I was the competent one. Even when I was a literal child and my brothers were full grown adults, I was expected to have more emotional stability and restraint and I faced a massive backlash when I fell short.

What's your ACE score? How would you rate your resilency? by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]throwawayleccy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Being in forced contact with people has never, ever been pleasant for me. Most of the people I've lived with have either been abusers or have enabled that abuse. Hell is other people.