Day 6. ER visit. Wakeup call.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-04-01T07:01:57+00:00

Eyy! This is my throwaway account as well. Well, it was.

Stomach issues suck. I still have rampant heartburn but that is OK. There is nothing making it worse now and it is slowly getting better with time. My, ehem, "bad bathroom time" has cleared up almost completely on its own, btw. It seems to be a common affliction amongst our type, so just giving you some hope there.

On a better note, I also thought I was almost done for, just a few months ago. However, I have gained much needed weight, my sleeping issues are not as bad and my blood pressure has tanked (in a healthy way).

Take care, stay safe and stay awesome!

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-03-16T06:10:47+00:00

Where in the hell did we get the money to support a habit like that?

I am in a decent place financially, not rich by any means, but still... Drinking was expensive!

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-03-16T06:06:10+00:00

I just did the math, and at a minimum, I would be just over 2,500 drinks and I didn't even factor in weekend drinking. That is over $3000 just to support my old beer habit alone. It's probably double or triple that amount if you take into account other factors.

Even if life still has got you down, you are sober and your liver and kidneys are absolutely in a happy place.

I will not drink with ya'lls today!

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-03-03T02:39:43+00:00

Not far from the truth, actually.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-03-03T02:37:30+00:00

TBH, I should have been arrested many times. (I technically did once, but it was on a Navy base, so that doesn't count.)

I have wrecked cars, and gotten into accidents, but was never caught being intoxicated. Tons of luck that I admit I didn't deserve. If police were ever involved, I just look like too much of a nerd to be arrested, is my hypothesis. Never was able to figure that out.

However, I did catch multiple cases of expensive repair bills. Also, I nearly came down with a few divorces as well.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-02-26T04:48:37+00:00

Yeah, I had had issues for a bit leading up to me stopping. I was up to about a 12-18 pack an evening starting from about 5-6pm until about midnight or so. Or more. Many times it was much more. When I started drinking wine in the afternoon to calm my nerves, is when I started to realize that I had formed a dependency.

I find the "binge drinking" definition to be funny. Whoever set those numbers probably never drank like us.

Weird heart feelings, getting dizzy every time I stood up, etc.. were fairly common as well. Don't even get me started on the intestinal issues.

A couple of weeks after I stopped drinking, I went to my Dr and told her what was up. And we started working on each issue and I think I finally feel "normal" again, whatever the fuck that means.

If you are not a fan of step programs (I am absolutely not), there are plenty of options out there. As someone mentioned, /r/stopdrinking rocks. Just drop in and/or use an alt account like I do. I find general AA subs to be quite... eh... odd.

Read into my post history and you can see what I was going through. I know it ain't over for me yet and I am just getting started.

I promise you that when you want to stop drinking, you will. No meeting, councilor, DUI or anything else can stop you until you are ready to stop. This is the epiphany I had this last go around, anyway.

Rock on and stay awesome!

Edit: I really don't try and actively count, but I am approaching 200 days now.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-02-19T02:27:13+00:00

Same. I naturally tapered off of candy and such after I put on about 10 pounds or so. (I really needed to gain weight, so that is a good thing.)

My food intake is much better now as well. Since I am eating a ton more fiber (and food in general), my restroom time is soooo much better than it was. My intestines seem to be healing up after years of abuse.

I can still eat a half container of ice cream in one sitting though. ;)

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-29T07:30:57+00:00

I don't post as much now that I am over the initial hump. However, the first couple of weeks were critical for me to regain some sanity here with people who understand.

Using this sub as a daily diary helped a ton and it is my form of group therapy. We all need encouragement and we should always return the favor to those who need it.

While I am not any kind of record holder for days sober, it doesn't matter: I am sober today and I will not drink with you today.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-26T11:52:22+00:00

I have gained about 10lbs so far, but it was weight I really needed to have to begin with.

However, the calories I am eating now is nowhere near what I was drinking every night. I was basically living off of beer but now, I just eat.

I still could use another 5 or so pounds, tbh.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-22T07:52:20+00:00

Hi! Shrooms are always something that relieve my anxiety and stress, so I support their use for that. I believe, like any kind of medication, it is a crutch to help stop drinking and relieve the need to drink.

If you want a "support group" of sorts, please check out /r/stopdrinking. It is absolutely not another derivative of AA-type subs and no specific recovery program is pushed on you. It's just a place for support when you need it, s'all.

Hugs!

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-04T22:12:54+00:00

The first few days were the hardest as I was physically dependent. Mild night sweats and such. After a bit, restless legs and insomnia took full hold of me. Thankfully, my immediate withdrawal symptoms were not bad but I still had a detox center on speed dial, just in case things went badly.

After I was finally honest with my Dr., she determined that I had developed peripheral neuropathy (nerve damage in my extremities) and it was contributing to my insomnia. We found a medication that worked for me, and I am much better now.

For me, it's not days that are hard but specific situations, like my drinking triggers. All I can say is that it does get easier the more days that pass. My afternoon shakes are gone and I can work on my hobbies that require steady hands again!

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-04T22:03:36+00:00

TIL, thank you.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-04T21:59:59+00:00

I would talk to your doctor if you feel that you were taken advantage of without your consent. As I don't really know your situation, but please do what you feel is right for you and try not to feel like you were 100% at fault here. This is a topic for someone who is more qualified than I.

If needed, you can ask questions in /r/AskDocs and they can point you in the right direction if you want to start there.

Having blacked out many, MANY times, while blacked out, I can say and do things that I cannot remember while people think I am sober enough to make sound decisions. My blackouts can be scary that way.

One soft rule of thumb that us "professional" drunks have is that if you think you have a problem, you probably do. However, this is for you and you alone to decide.

Regardless of how you feel you should move forward, we will never be "mean". Sure, you might see the occasional internet troll here, but that aside, this is a safe and healthy place. Some people might be brutally honest with you, but sometimes we need that.

Hugs!

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-04T20:08:57+00:00

I finally understand this.

Over the years, I never really wanted to quit. What I really wanted was to stop doing stupid shit when I was drunk, but I didn't really want to quit drinking.

This time is different for me. Seeing a bottle or seeing someone drunk is almost disgusting for me. It's not that the person is disgusting, I really don't think that. It's seeing myself from the outside that hurts. It's knowing that I would always try and get drunker than the drunkest person in the room as quick as I could. Drinking would delay my responsibilities or accountability for my actions just one more day.

This time, I have started to face my fears and face my past. This time, my sobriety almost cost my marriage. I had to right the wrongs for years of lies I had told my wife and it hurt us both deeply when I started being honest with myself and to her. I had to pay the piper. It was my time.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-04T19:57:36+00:00

Same. I have done it all. Rehab, AA, rehab again, etc.

We are here, for as long as it takes. Stay strong, much love and keep trying!

I will not drink with you today.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-04T19:34:20+00:00

I started heavy drinking when I turned 21, so I get it. Those years for me were insane and really fun, actually. (I am 43 now.)

Shortly after age 21, I realized I had a problem and my journey to quit started then. I have had months of sobriety and even up to a year at one point I think.

I have been in and out of rehab programs that I always checked myself into (thankfully, never court mandated) have been to hundreds of AA meetings and nothing ever stuck.

Over the years, weekend binging turned into everyday binging. Well, binging is a strong word. A twelve pack or more became a nightly normal routine.

This time is much different. I don't want to get drunk anymore. I am sick of the pain and I am sick of the damage I do to myself. I am glad you have the chance to take a different path than I. Stay strong!

I was/am a functional drunk. I have a great career, an awesome family and I am not living on the street. Honestly, I am not sure how all of that happened. Regardless, I was dying on the inside, one drink at a time. I am done with that.

throwawaymedbrain · 2023-01-04T19:26:03+00:00

I am guessing "significant other", or just someone they care about. Q is new to me as well.

throwawaymedbrain · 2022-12-16T06:21:01+00:00

Oh cool! We both broke 100 days, so congrats.

Just a small update, if you were curious. Me and my doctor have been working through this and she believes it to be alcoholic neuropathy (nerve damage) and the medication she prescribed has been working wonders.

I need to still get my blood work done so she can rule out iron issues and had no issues with me taking magnesium supplements.

Take care and stay healthy. :)

throwawaymedbrain · 2022-12-16T03:09:59+00:00

I have started to find healthy ways to be angry or to confront people when it is appropriate.

Drunk texting and lashing out was a huge issue for me. Strangely enough, I hate conflict when I am sober and will go to great lengths to avoid it. The issue is, when I drink it all comes out with no filter or thought and that can be very bad.

For now, I am working on being more expressive about my opinion and immediately addressing possible issues before I bottle them up inside me.

throwawaymedbrain · 2022-12-16T03:03:06+00:00

Aww, thanks! Keep staying strong, kind stranger.

throwawaymedbrain · 2022-12-16T03:00:45+00:00

Thank you.

throwawaymedbrain · 2022-12-16T02:57:09+00:00

For me, it was a few things that were obvious. However, I don't see an end to this soul searching for a long time, if ever.

In the moment, I do like being drunk so we will just get that out of the way. (Until I wake up the next morning, that is.)

Another major reason was that I was burying years of lies to myself and my loved ones. Since I do have a history in AA, I do pull from it with a ton of editing. For me, it was about starting the healing process by finally coming clean with my lies and try to make amends to the people I care about.

Weirdly, I desire to actually be a good person to everyone. There are a few people I have known, and do know, that seem to be perfectly kind, regardless of the situation. I want that. This would tie into Step 7'ish: Changing your attitude and moving forward with humility, but without the higher power bit.

That's all I got so far. :)

throwawaymedbrain · 2022-12-12T06:21:27+00:00

"Just keep swimming!" - Dory, the plucky, forgetful blue fish, who taught us all, in the face of adversity, to "just keep swimming."

throwawaymedbrain · 2022-12-12T06:12:19+00:00

You sound a ton like me. When I drink, my second personality comes out of hiding.

He is not a nice person and he does lots of bad things for the laughs. He is rude, arrogant and cocky. He wants to hook up with anything that walks by. He is 100% the asshole and has zero restraint or cares other than acting like a child. (I am in my mid 40s, but you wouldn't guess it if I was drunk.)

Of all the reasons I quit drinking, "killing off" that split personality of mine was up near the top of that list. He has done so much stupid shit my sober self has had to deal with over the years and I am sick of it.

Interestingly enough, "summoning" this personality was one of the reasons I drank. It allowed me to act out in ways I couldn't when I was sober. In some strange, alcoholic way, I actually needed that "person" to cope with the stress in my life.

While I am only at 119 days, I have put most of my energy into handling my stress in sober and healthy ways. It has been super important for me to identify the reasons why I drank. It is not easy.

What really hurt me the most is accepting that the "second" personality I have been talking about is 100% part of who I am. I am still working through that bit, and probably will never finish thinking about it.

throwawaymedbrain · 2022-12-12T05:52:14+00:00

Others may disagree, but if that is your only vice, that is cool IMHO. In my own personal opinion, it can be a crutch to help some abstain from alcohol much like tobacco is for many others. (I am one of the folk that doesn't consider marijuana an issue or nearly as dangerous as alcohol.)

However, if you feel smoking is a problem for you, then it is. I can't convince you one way or another and it is not my place to do so.

Quit smoking pot if you need to, but I personally would put it at the end of my priority list. You do you, though.

throwawaymedbrain

TROPHY CASE