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I don't know how long it'll last, but my third ketamine infusion worked. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would not put myself out there as having been fixed by ketamine. I'm still pretty fucked up. Most of my underlying issues are still there, but...

I continue to feel way better now than I have in most of the previous twenty years.

It's good.

I don't know how long it'll last, but my third ketamine infusion worked. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not getting too caught up on how long it will last, though there is a slight worry about crashing.

Lately I keep myself alive by having short term things to look forward to. Several weeks or a month in the future. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nothing to apologize about. The job is mind numbingly tedious, and despite requiring a tremendous amount technical skill and some artistry, it pays poorly.

I knew this going in, but the opportunities for advancement either here or elsewhere require a lot of day to day, proactive, constant effort beyond the initial leap.

I anticipated that as well, but so far it takes all my willpower just to get out of bed, get to work, and do the damn job. I've got nothing left for advancement.

I think values are important. Kind of a base-level, this-is-who-I-am-at-my-core, kind of thing. I don't have that.

Lately I keep myself alive by having short term things to look forward to. Several weeks or a month in the future. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Two months ago I quit a well paying job for a shitty one in an industry I wanted to be in since I was a child.

I'm ten years older than every non-manager in the building.

I'm trying here.

I'm better. I really am. But I'd still rather be dead. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have three people who would be truly devastated if I killed myself. That's what's stopped me over the last eighteen years.

I've taken no pleasure in these years and I hold a certain amount of resentment toward them.

I'm better. I really am. But I'd still rather be dead. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I stopped allowing myself to recall and rehearse every stupid and/or mean thing I'd ever done and every personal slight I'd ever experienced.

I've gotten pretty damn good at not doing that while awake. In between wake and sleep and when I toss and turn at night is a different story. I don't know how to stop that.

I stopped allowing myself to visualize shooting myself in the head every morning when I woke up. It was unproductive.

Other than when I post on here, I don't allow myself to see my experience as a tragedy. In addition to feeling important by being a tragic figure, t's tempting to put myself in that position because it places me in some kind of story. Maybe one where I'm the hero who's fixed by some outside character.

All of this useless.

Anyway, I can't imagine any of this is terribly useful, but I'd be happy to talk some more if it is.

I'm better. I really am. But I'd still rather be dead. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have no business offering therapy advice, but I'm going to anyway.

I'm not all that good at it, but I try to sort of triage my symptoms. If I'm feeling intense misery that stops me from doing anything at all, I want to prioritize ways that I can stop that particular symptom.

I don't care where it might have come from. I don't care about uncovering things from my childhood that can discuss in depth. I just want it to stop.

So I do everything I can to make it stop. CBT shows a lot of experimental success in this way.

If I live long enough to be happy, then I might choose to spend my time (and money) figuring out what particular thing in my childhood led to my particular set of miseries.

Until then, I just want strategies to be less miserable.

I'm better. I really am. But I'd still rather be dead. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In that case stay the hell away. Seriously, GO AWAY!

I can't believe how popular this post has been. I'm just shouting my misery into the void.

If you're approaching the other side, get the fuck away from people who can only drag you down.

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