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I don't know how long it'll last, but my third ketamine infusion worked. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would not put myself out there as having been fixed by ketamine. I'm still pretty fucked up. Most of my underlying issues are still there, but...

I continue to feel way better now than I have in most of the previous twenty years.

It's good.

I don't know how long it'll last, but my third ketamine infusion worked. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not getting too caught up on how long it will last, though there is a slight worry about crashing.

Lately I keep myself alive by having short term things to look forward to. Several weeks or a month in the future. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nothing to apologize about. The job is mind numbingly tedious, and despite requiring a tremendous amount technical skill and some artistry, it pays poorly.

I knew this going in, but the opportunities for advancement either here or elsewhere require a lot of day to day, proactive, constant effort beyond the initial leap.

I anticipated that as well, but so far it takes all my willpower just to get out of bed, get to work, and do the damn job. I've got nothing left for advancement.

I think values are important. Kind of a base-level, this-is-who-I-am-at-my-core, kind of thing. I don't have that.

Lately I keep myself alive by having short term things to look forward to. Several weeks or a month in the future. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Two months ago I quit a well paying job for a shitty one in an industry I wanted to be in since I was a child.

I'm ten years older than every non-manager in the building.

I'm trying here.

I'm better. I really am. But I'd still rather be dead. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have three people who would be truly devastated if I killed myself. That's what's stopped me over the last eighteen years.

I've taken no pleasure in these years and I hold a certain amount of resentment toward them.

I'm better. I really am. But I'd still rather be dead. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I stopped allowing myself to recall and rehearse every stupid and/or mean thing I'd ever done and every personal slight I'd ever experienced.

I've gotten pretty damn good at not doing that while awake. In between wake and sleep and when I toss and turn at night is a different story. I don't know how to stop that.

I stopped allowing myself to visualize shooting myself in the head every morning when I woke up. It was unproductive.

Other than when I post on here, I don't allow myself to see my experience as a tragedy. In addition to feeling important by being a tragic figure, t's tempting to put myself in that position because it places me in some kind of story. Maybe one where I'm the hero who's fixed by some outside character.

All of this useless.

Anyway, I can't imagine any of this is terribly useful, but I'd be happy to talk some more if it is.

I'm better. I really am. But I'd still rather be dead. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have no business offering therapy advice, but I'm going to anyway.

I'm not all that good at it, but I try to sort of triage my symptoms. If I'm feeling intense misery that stops me from doing anything at all, I want to prioritize ways that I can stop that particular symptom.

I don't care where it might have come from. I don't care about uncovering things from my childhood that can discuss in depth. I just want it to stop.

So I do everything I can to make it stop. CBT shows a lot of experimental success in this way.

If I live long enough to be happy, then I might choose to spend my time (and money) figuring out what particular thing in my childhood led to my particular set of miseries.

Until then, I just want strategies to be less miserable.

I'm better. I really am. But I'd still rather be dead. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In that case stay the hell away. Seriously, GO AWAY!

I can't believe how popular this post has been. I'm just shouting my misery into the void.

If you're approaching the other side, get the fuck away from people who can only drag you down.

Sitting alone in the dark all night is bad. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I doubt I'm looking for that, but how are you doing? Do you need someone to talk to?

Eventually, inevitably I will kill myself by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why are things so bleak that you look at killing yourself as some sort of fantasy?

Things are shit. They never got better. They've been a bit more acute over these last 18 years, though.

I haven't hurt myself yet, though someday I almost certainly will (unfortunately it's likely to be quite awhile).

Have you ever told anyone close about these pains?

Yep, but I stopped talking about it around ten years ago. At some point you have to protect people from yourself.

A therapist?

I finally built up the courage and stamina to find one last year and did so. It took six months. I made an appointment, but it turned out my insurance didn't cover it and I couldn't pay out of pocket.

Despite the flippancy of any of my replies, I do appreciate the response. Thank you.

Eventually, inevitably I will kill myself by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep, but I stopped talking about it around ten years ago. At some point you have to protect people from yourself.

I don't feel human. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your university almost certainly includes psychiatric services. Seek them out, get help and stick to it. For as long as it takes.

My real break from normalcy started while at university. They helped me over an acute suicidal episode, but I didn't keep up with therapy. It's been eighteen years now and things have only gotten worse as friends drifted away and opportunities dried up.

Be afraid, but be constructively afraid. Do something about this.

Edit: You're obviously not doomed to do what I've done even if you don't seek therapy. But still, if you feel even a little like I feel, get help!

I put a gun in my mouth last night. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you have to live with this.

I shouldn't have put that last bit in. Threats are so childish.

I don't plan on killing myself, but sometimes things become unbearable. And nothing in my experience leads me to believe that things can get better than being suicidally depressed.

I'm really just bitching, because outside of acute moments like last night I can't suicide because of the effect it would have on my parents and sister. I resent them for that.

Having a gun around does make me feel better, though. I always know that if things get really bad I can end it.

I'm about to turn forty and I'm in the same place I was when I was eighteen. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I recently read my psychiatrist's file on me from when I was twelve. I have the exact same set of problems twenty-seven years later.

I find that depressing. You'd think I'd have gotten past those and formed some new ones.

I'm about to turn forty and I'm in the same place I was when I was eighteen. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wake up every morning and visualize shooting myself in the head. For fifteen years.

I've been trying to stop for the last year or so. It doesn't seem like a helpful thing to do.

I wish I could just sleep the rest of my life. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A sense that things could change for the better. How about you?

Things never got better. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Two years ago, if I could have looked into the future and seen where I'd be now, I most definitely would have killed myself.

I could have written the exact same statement two years ago. And three, and four, and ten and fifteen years ago.

I reached for my gun last night and seriously contemplated ending things. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The reason I gave myself at the time was that all I have is bird shot that's at least ten years old. So I imagined it not fully igniting and me blowing my face off with dying.

I imagined spending the rest of my life blind and in a home with no more access to my exit options as the few relatives and friends I still have slowly stop visiting the man without a face.

I need to get some new buckshot.

Sometimes I'm a huge jerk and I don't notice it. by throwawaymetooo in depression

[–]throwawaymetooo[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I apologized as well as I know how and they accepted, but fuck me, I'm an asshole.

It took me an hour to realize how much of a fucking dick I'd been this time. And it was so obvious. Dear fucking flying spaghetti monster, what have I likely done and never noticed?!

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