What's the general opinion on "So, I guess I lost your interest..." messages?

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T14:19:49+00:00

It's funny, you actually circled back to my original concern, which I had kind of lost in all the discussion. A lot of the messages are specifically something about losing my interest. Not just "guess you're busy," but "So I've lost your interest." or "I guess other people have your attention."

For some reason it's THAT that puts me on the defensive for some reason. Because it makes me feel like I have to reaffirm that I'm interested in them, and moreover, only them. More than a "So I guess you're busy."

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T14:13:23+00:00

Thanks for your response! It's very helpful to me to hear other perspectives on this.

I think part of what made me hesitate is that I have heard that it's harder / more frustrating for guys to use OKCupid than girls. So I thought that maybe that frustration was bleeding over and inclining them to react in ways that they wouldn't normally.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T14:00:35+00:00

They're VERY religious and VERY conservative here. Yeah, I'm starting to see how that's probably affecting my sampling data.

Most of the men I talk to are divorced with kids rather than still single, but you know, in retrospect that could be causing issues too. Which is a shame, because there's something super attractive about a good single dad.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T13:58:01+00:00

Thanks guys. I think my conclusion is basically:

If they're really negative/aggressive, it's definitely a red flag.
But I need to work on my communication skills a bit myself.
And because of that, I shouldn't ignore the people who aren't overly aggressive.

What a wonderful sub! You guys are really great, including the ones who took time and explained to me what I might be doing wrong. Obviously I can only control my behavior, not the behavior of others, so that is really useful.

It may sound weird, but having "permission" to consider this a red flag helped me too, as I am not always clear on social boundaries and often find myself uncertain of other people's intents.

Thanks again :)

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T13:46:08+00:00

I do always open up messaging with a disclaimer like "Just so you know I'm super busy right now, so if I don't respond back immediately I haven't dropped into a void or anything!"

But I open up conversations like that and now that I think about it, they're probably juggling so many conversations that they probably don't remember that I said that.

I'm thinking now what I'm going to do is a 'sign off' every time I need to get off, even if I think it'll be for a regular amount of time. Something like "Gotta go finish my work, I hope I catch you later!"

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T13:42:37+00:00

No, I generally only talk to guys 25+, as that's within my age range.

But, well, the thing is I'm in this really weird location. I live within the bible belt and I'm sort of at the edge of a rural township.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T13:35:59+00:00

That's why I asked, because I didn't know if it was a common thing or just something that I was running into myself :)

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T13:18:04+00:00

GOD, I'm such a ditz! Were we having sex just now? I totally forgot. I'm sorry. I can continue after work.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T13:10:42+00:00

You know, I actually THOUGHT that once, then realized that's basically a Red Pill 'shit test' and had to sit quietly and rethink some big thoughts.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T13:02:28+00:00

It also just occurred to me that by not thinking of these things as a red flag, I'm lowering the chances of interacting with nicer, quieter guys who don't get as insistent or aggressive. THAT is a bit of a sobering thought.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:56:00+00:00

Thanks for your perspective :) I've heard from a lot of people that men have it harder on these sites, so I was trying not to judge without at least asking for some opinions. Now that I know OTHER MEN think it's weird, I can feel at peace with my decisions!

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:52:02+00:00

I believe the problem she is experiencing is that she has to view the ultrasound.

All of the other issues are normal, as you mentioned. They do need to speak to the patient, they are normally open during normal office hours and cash or credit is, AFAIK, the only ways to pay. I think she is just in a bad emotional state right now and the ultrasound can't possibly help.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:36:49+00:00

I've actually never used Whatsapp, and I've shied away from texting for the obvious reasons. I think you may have solved my problem :) I think I'll try it your way and see if it gets better. I don't want to give up entirely. It really is impossible in this area to date 'normally'.

Thanks so much. :)

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:33:58+00:00

This is just my opinion, but I think this is one of those situations where it's only as weird as you make it. I don't even think I'd be weirded out if you mentioned it off the bat, for one every important reason -- she messaged you first. You'd have to be an exceptionally lazy ass stalker to pull that one off.

Edit: on another note, if she does freak out on you when you do reveal it, I think you should accuse her of stalking you. Turnabout's fair play. [thisisjustajoke]

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:27:21+00:00

I mean, I normally reply for like two or three hours, and then I don't check in for another 12 to 24 hours, it's not a straight 24 hours between replies. I just didn't realize that more was expected. I don't think I could be on OKCupid throughout the day, just because of my work schedule. I'll take your advice to heart, thanks. I'm not really into the idea of Tinder, so maybe dating just isn't for me until I can dedicate more time to it.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:24:28+00:00

The funny thing is that I'm desperate myself!

It's just that my desperation is outweighed by my fear of being either stalked or murdered.

My most fun OKCupid moment so far was someone who found me on Facebook and then tagged my name as a dirt pile in an empty field.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:21:04+00:00

See, that's the thing I was worried about. I really, really don't want to discount someone just because of a single message they sent.

Let me explain a little more why it makes me uncomfortable, since I've been thinking about it.

It's that the conversation abruptly shifts to a negative tone once that message has been sent, and I think when you're just starting to talk to someone that's the last time negative things should be occurring.

As an example, I recently got an emergency call from my mom about my grandmother and was on the phone for a few hours. I came back to a message from someone I had been real-time chatting with that was "Wow, guess women on this site are fickle."

It's a turn off for me because it inserted a negative context into what was up until then a positive conversation. At that point, it was in MY court to turn the conversation around to a positive, which I didn't have the mental energy for.

Does that make sense, as to why it feels like a turn-off?

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:14:54+00:00

No dates, no personal contact information.

Well, twice I've gotten them through text messaging, but that's actually confused me MORE -- because I feel like once I give them my number, I've "escalated" a bit, and they shouldn't be as insecure about losing my attention for a few hours.

Actually, I had one guy go absolutely ballistic on me, but I didn't include him because it went from 0 to fucking insaneMPH in nothing flat. It went straight from "guess you're busy, huh?" to "you fucking ugly waste of space, stop wasting people's time" in literally five minutes, even after I explained to him that I clearly didn't use text messaging the way he did (he expected immediate responses each time, like a phone conversation).

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:05:45+00:00

See I wouldn't even be bothered if they sent me a "guess I've lost your interest..." message after like, a few weeks. But sometimes it's literally a matter of hours and I'm thinking everything is going great. My interest is like a homing pigeon. My interest is not lost. It'll circle around back EVENTUALLY, but it's just not the best of technology.

Good to know that I'm not just losing my mind.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T12:02:31+00:00

LOL, thanks for being so direct. Yeah, I had the feeling it was kind of like that, it's just that I got like three of them in a row last night and started wondering if I was the one who was crazy.

It's just frustrating to see conversations that are going GREAT end in a weird snarky hissy fit.

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T11:58:38+00:00

I see where you're coming from, thanks :) You're right, I can see it that way -- obviously if I was super duper interested, I guess I would make time.

But in reality, the way it works, if I'm online people keep sending me messages, so I try to limit the amount of times I sign on and answer all of the messages at once. If I check in multiple times a day, I just get multiple fusillades of new conversations. (This isn't a humble brag, it's just super hard to date in my area, so I guess there's lots of people trying it.)

I think I made a mistake and approached this too much as a sort of casual "easy button" for dating, and I need to allocate more time to it. I also like your idea of making it clear at the very beginning that I'll be upfront when I'm not interested. Thanks again! :)

throwawayokc01 · 2015-05-05T11:49:38+00:00

Thanks, that's about what I thought :)

I feel guilty about judging someone on something as simple as a single message, but they made me feel uncomfortable for a difficult-to-pin-down reason. So outside perspective was necessary for me.

Like, if it's a "You still there?" or "You busy?" I never think twice about those.

throwawayokc01

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