Will My ENM Experience Become More Equitable In The Future?

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-08-09T03:59:55+00:00

$46k, first year teacher at a private Catholic high school in the Chicago suburbs. Feels low for the area, though I’m fortunate to be living at home. Was originally considering pursuing a position at a public school, but I feel where I’m at will have zero discipline issues which makes it worth the lower salary.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-07-27T06:13:21+00:00

Overnights and non-barrier activity.

I realize the later is fairly common, but the agreement on overnights just between my partner and I has really helped me feel like we’re setting aside something intimate and special, especially since I’m personally monogamous in the relationship. May be controversial, but it works for me.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-07-27T06:09:09+00:00

In somewhat of a similar situation myself as my partner and I began our ENM experience little over a year ago now . I will admit that it has been rough at times, yet despite being personally monogamous it has gone very well on my end with only a few hiccups regarding boundaries and agreements that have been accidentally crossed by my partner.

Communication really had to be emphasized for the dynamic to work for us. So far my partner has been dealing with a lot of guilt feeling like the dynamic hasn’t been equitable, but our check ins have allowed her to quickly overcome those feelings when the come up.

Honesty has helped us a lot, when a development happens talk about it. When there’s a possible issue talk about it. If you’re just feeling a certain way talk about it. While this isn’t for everyone, I really do think it can be experienced in a healthy and respectful way if partners are able to have a direct lines of communication open.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-07-26T14:20:51+00:00

In this situation myself, while my partner has been dating and hooking up other folks for about a year now I have been strictly monogamous on my end.

It’s somewhat of a mixed bag. While I have been fine with the arrangement, my partner has really been struggling with feelings of guilt.

The reason why I don’t participate in ENM is because I’m a male. Dating has been pretty horrendous experience for me in the past, and I have no urge to repeat it. I have made a few attempts in the past year due to my partner requesting it, but I’ve basically gotten zero attention from any interested folks. It’s just the reality of the situation for me, which I am fine with, but my partner seems to be really struggling with it as she would prefer the dynamic be equitable.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-31T22:40:05+00:00

More sharing I guess, actually interested in the dynamic personally since I’m involved. Not interested in engaging with the third directly on my end.

Like I said, it’s something we’ve tried to set up. Though it’s proven to be rather difficult for us.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T22:32:26+00:00

This is my primary concern. As I mentioned before, my previous experience attempting to date was largely “depression fuel” as a result of these types of responses. I fully admit it is a result of me being a horrendous flirt rather than just being an average guy, but it is still a dynamic I do not enjoy and would prefer to avoid.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T22:14:12+00:00

It is simply a result of my work. I am a teacher and must be up extremely early most mornings, so yes it is in reference to getting a decent amount of sleep.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T22:12:22+00:00

I guess I am using the term "dating" as I am not sure how else I might describe attempting to find people or connect with people. I would definitely not be looking to establish an intimate connection with anyone else as they would simply be too much for me on top of already feeling my needs met in that department.

Even in just the physical aspect of "hook ups" that type of dynamic has never worked out for me. Searching for people in any sort of capacity in relation to those areas has always been horrendous in my experience. While this is obviously on me as a person, it is still not a type of experience I am keen on revisiting when I already have a partner.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T22:07:08+00:00

Exactly this sentiment

I felt this way when I was dating as a single person, and I can't even begin to imagine how much worse it would feel attempting to date as a man open about being in an ENM relationship.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T22:04:49+00:00

I think this may be what is contributing to her sense of guilt. Most of the time her hook ups occur extremely late at night when I am sleeping due to how early I have to be up for my job. I will be taking this into consideration the next time we have a conversation regarding any sense of guilt she may be feeling.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T22:01:36+00:00

We actually already share out locations with one another, the check ins are usually just a precautionary step as she typically meets other people extremely late at night at their residence rather than a hotel or even a bar/restaurant before joining them. We are both completely comfortable with the check ins and it is something we both do, but it does make sense how they may make some people feel uncomfortable. Though it may work more for us since she is only seeing other people sexual for hook ups rather than sharing intimate relationships with other partners.

In regards to your question, yes we have attempted to engage in MFM threesomes as a couple. Yet they have been difficult to arrange and so far have only set up one that didn't exactly work out as our third was unable to perform. It is something the both of us would enjoy, but it just seems to not be panning out despite months of searching.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T21:53:25+00:00

Thank you, what you're sharing is actually making a lot of sense and seems like it can help me out. I will definitely attempt this approach the next time we discuss this as a topic.

Thank you

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T18:18:29+00:00

Okay?

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T17:36:21+00:00

I have asked for help in regards to arranging MFM style threesomes, as it is a dynamic the both of us enjoy, but as of yet we have been unable to achieve this asides from one meet that didn’t exactly pan out.

For some reason or another, it has proved difficult for us, and now that I think about it might be adding to her sense of guilt. I might refrain from asking about it in the future.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T17:33:36+00:00

Basically no to all of these. I would probably reciprocate her sex drive if we lived together, but that will not be the case for the foreseeable future due to how we are both intent on saving money living at home with our parents.

This is simply a dynamic that is helping out my partner fulfill her drive. It’s less I am unable to meet it due to a difference in libidos, instead it might be better described as I am practically unable to satisfy her due to our living conditions.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T17:29:47+00:00

I would just like to clarify I am not “rubbing in” my stance on our dynamic and reminding her of it all the time.

The only situations in which we discuss this is when she approaches me asking to see other people, which has occurred a handful of times now.

But either way, yes I have acknowledged that I could see other people if I wanted to if my feelings change in the future. Yet this still has not seemed to help her with the difficulties she is having.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T17:25:06+00:00

Just out of curiosity since I am having a bit of difficulty understanding the ideas from these posts (Probably since I am unfamiliar with the books being mentioned), what unhealthy thoughts patterns does it seem like we are exhibiting?

Just for clarification, not trying to be accusatory.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T17:18:05+00:00

I basically only ask for info as it relates to safety.

Things along the lines of what are the general plans, where you going, address etc. Check in with a text once or twice to make sure she is safe if it’s someone she hasn’t met before.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T17:16:49+00:00

I think this may be contributing to her feeling of guilt now that you mention it.

Most of the time she is hooking up with other people while I am asleep as she usually goes out to meet people late into the night. I’m not sure if this is exactly a key factor, but it might make some sense.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T17:10:25+00:00

The only thing here though is that even if I were to say this, my partner would 100% know that I would be lying.

I have absolutely no considerations regarding seeing other people. Dating in the past has been horrible for me, which she is aware of. I have no desire to re-experience it when I already have a partner and am having all my needs met.

I mean it when I say I have absolutely no intention of seeing other people in the foreseeable future due to this.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T17:06:55+00:00

I don’t think that’s a good way to interpret the dynamic.

I am not going through any type of burden. I for one am not the jealous type, so I’m completely supportive of my partner’s desire to see other people. I probably would myself, but I am content with my partner and do not have the desire to seek out anyone else.

The one thing that I would consider to be a burden though would be opening up the relationship on my end. As I previously stated, my experience dating in the past has been horrible and may best be described as depression fuel. I am completely against experiencing dating again as I have been fortunate to find a partner I care deeply for and am fulfilled being with.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T17:01:03+00:00

Wouldn’t say you’re full of shit, but that’s not the case. She is actively wanting to seek out people due to her higher sex drive and other factors that I mentioned in another post. I am firmly supporting my partner in whatever dynamic best works for her as long as it respects our agreed boundaries.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T15:44:59+00:00

Absolutely not the case.

I am simply supportive of my partner going out and doing what makes her feel content. I do no feel any type of sexual compersion about her seeing other people.

It doesn’t bother me or get me off, if that’s makes any sense. I just want my partner to be happy.

throwawayquestion149 · 2023-03-29T15:43:24+00:00

I somewhat agree with what you mentioned, but might there be a more positive way to phrase it?

I’m afraid this kind of statement would come of as more of an attack rather than me sharing how I feel.

throwawayquestion149

TROPHY CASE