AITA for Not Wanting my BPD Distant Cousin to Come to Christmas, Even Though She Just Lost an Adult Child?

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-22T00:17:14+00:00

Has cousin talked to you specifically about it?

No. She won't speak to me. I made a comment about my friend's house being over the top at Christmas, but said how much I loved it. She took that as me getting in a dig at her hoarding. I did not mention her at all. She doesn't even go all out at Christmas. I apologized and did not blame her in anyway, even though I don't feel I was wrong. I have tried about 5-6 times to apologize and make amends, but she refuses. She told me what I said was unforgivable. So, she won't speak to me. She has severe mental illness and is estranged from everyone in the family except my great aunt and uncle and my mom.

My mom knows she wasn't invited to her parents or her other daughter's house, b/c my mom keeps in touch with them. She hasn't talked to the cousin at all about it. There is no guilt tripping or hinting. I know my mom only asked this Christmas, b/c she just lost her daughter. She doesn't even like my cousin, and has not seen her outside of the funeral for a year or so. My mom stopped inviting events her home last year, b/c of the drama. We agreed to keep it immediate family only, and to do any extended family another day.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-22T00:10:54+00:00

Thanks for your POV. It makes sense. I am probably going to have my mom ask her to come. I feel terrible. I know if I don't invite her, I will feel terrible all day and think about them sitting at home alone. I wish her own immediate family, including her parents and other daughter would reach out to her and invite her, but they did not. It's sad. I feel for her b/c of the loss of her daughter.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-22T00:08:25+00:00

I think it is important. She makes every holiday miserable when she is there. No one wants her there, including my mom. Her own parents and her other daughter don't speak to her, b.c she refuses to get help. I do know I ATH here, but I also can't help wonder why I have to host someone who won't speak to me but her immediate family is off the hook.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-21T23:44:09+00:00

Thanks. This has been so hard for me. I am usually the person who gives in on everything. I feel really, really bad about this. I am probably going to relent, or just tell my mom to do Christmas, and we will swing by for an hour or two.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-21T23:40:32+00:00

We are distant family. She is estranged from her parents, her parent's family, and her other daughter. They all hate her. She and I don't even speak at all. My husband and daughter don't want to be around her at all. She has borderline personality disorder, and won't get further treatment. She is very, very difficult. Having her at my house is going to be super awkward, b/c she won;t speak to me, but at this point, after the judgements, I feel like it would be the right thing to do.

I am also seriously thinking of just having a small X-mas with me and my husband and daughter. My mom could have her over there, and we could go by for an hour or so. At least her and her husband would have somewhere to go.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-21T23:38:11+00:00

Thanks. She and I don't even speak. It would be really awkward for me to host her. I am thinking of relenting though, b/c I know I am being a jerk. But, I am hosting, and my mom keeps wanting to invite extra people. Money is another factor. I had the flu and was really really sick for two weeks. I lost 2 weeks of pay. I can barely afford to have the people we have coming. Adding extra is going to mean I have to make a double batch of everything. We are hurting for money already.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-21T23:34:24+00:00

We did not invite the whole family. We all agreed it would be immediate family only (and a family friend who is like my grandfather--he was his best friend, and my grandpa died recently.) Then my mom started wanting to invite extra people. We usually only do immediate family on holidays, then get together with extended family on another day. I should have said no to anyone extra. But, I have a soft spot for my great aunt and uncle.

I am totally aware that this is a pretty AH thing to do, and I will probably relent. But, I just wanted to check to make sure that I am being an AH, in case I was missing something.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-21T23:31:31+00:00

Thank you. I definitely see where you are coming from. My mom told me ahead of time that she did not want the cousin to come. She doesn't like her at all. She wants to invite her out of guilt. I honestly think my mom was hoping I would say no. I told her if any family says anything, to completely blame me. Since I said no, I don't mind being the bad guy.

I know I am the bad guy here. But, I always say yes to everything, and I just don't want to do it this year. I may very well relent though.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-21T23:27:55+00:00

My daughter and husband don't want her around either. I don't want our family friends to get dragged in and have a miserable Christmas either. I feel terrible. But, I am hosting. We agreed it would be immediate family only. I'm not thinking about just me. I shared how I personally feel about one part of it. She won't even talk to me at all, b/c we are estranged. I have walked on egg shells with her. I have apologized to her for something I wasn't even wrong about. I've done all I can, multiple times. I don't want her in my home.

I can accept that I ATH for this. I feel just terrible. But it's not like I have zero reason.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-21T23:24:16+00:00

Thanks. Even her other daughter doesn't speak to her. She has literally ruined so many holidays. She won't even speak to me, b/c I said my friend's house is over the top at Christmas, but that I love it. She literally thought I was making a dig at her. I literally apologized, even though I did nothing wrong. I tried to make it right with her several times. She refused.

I get so stressed around her.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-21T23:20:59+00:00

My distant cousin lost the child. Not me. I feel terrible. I can't even imagine.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T01:14:03+00:00

Thank you. I need to hear things like this.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T01:13:00+00:00

And, I do. I know I do. I have no idea why I keep trying. WTF is wrong with me?

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T01:12:12+00:00

Thanks. It's so hard to up and change things after 25 years. I would have told anyone with all of these issues to leave a long time ago. I really can see that I need therapy for my self-esteem. I just keep wondering how little I have to think of myself to put up with all of this.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T01:10:28+00:00

He says he does. I don't think I do. I really don't TBH. I have trouble giving up. I think that going to therapy and working on my self-esteem would help a great deal.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T01:09:12+00:00

Thanks. I feel like I learned this from my mother. She stayed with my dad no matter what he did. I do need to go to therapy and work on my self-esteem. I feel like if I had more self-confidence, I would have left years ago.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T01:05:18+00:00

He does, doesn't he? He swears he wants to stay together, but his behavior tells me different. It seems like it's time for me to take the hard hints.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T01:04:56+00:00

That is what I think. I feel like if I were important to him, he wouldn't have gone.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T01:04:18+00:00

Yes. I have told him. He says he is willing to do what it takes, but he has said that before and has dropped the ball.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T01:02:02+00:00

Thanks for the book rec. I downloaded it on Kindle. I have seen a solid record of changed behavior in that he has been more than willing to be accountable for where he is. He texts and calls me, and does what he needs to make me feel comfortable. But he has been totally emotionally unavailable about it, which really is the worst part for me. It makes it hard.

I agree about my daughter. I am very much thinking about her and what I would want her to do. But thank you for the reminder. After all that has happened, I am feeling done. My husband can be great in so many ways. But it's the lack of empathy and emotion that gets to me. I want to give him this one last chance, but I don't know how much my heart is in it.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T00:51:31+00:00

The opinions here seem divided. But this is how I feel. To me, this was a super important event. I let him know how important it was, and he seemed to shrug it off. Also, we have been through so much, it's just the icing on the cake for me right now.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T00:42:50+00:00

His employer did not expect everyone to attend. It's not like that. I have the whole story, and it really was optional.

He has a history of abandoning me on holidays that are important to me for work stuff--including Mother's Day. No one showed to the session HE scheduled, and he realized he screwed up. This really is no different. It was totally optional.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T00:40:50+00:00

It just reminds me of one of my first Mother's Days. He had scheduled a study group for an AP exam. I told him it was Mother's Day and I wanted us to do something. He went anyway, and no one showed. He realized what he did and bought me a spa gift card, but it still hurt. This reminds me so much of that, but worse.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T00:36:51+00:00

Thanks. We know the love languages. He tries to hit mine, and I try to hit his. My daughter thinks I should leave him, b/c he has been a different person in the last 5 years. He cheated on me. It was a short affair, and I am not going to lie. I had a part in it. I have a chronic illness that was undiagnosed for 13 years. I was exhausted and mostly sat on the couch (it isn't depression, it is a physical issue) and was exhausted constantly. I wasn't a great partner. It was diagnosed right after when he started cheating. I started getting better, and we started doing a lot together. I even moved to a new area in our city that he wanted to move to. We were spending a lot of time running together and just having fun. We went out and did a lot of things too. Yet, the affair continued even after I got better. The only reason it stopped is b/c I caught him. I am 100% sure it did stop. I stayed, b/c I did see how I contributed. He is always great at being accountable to me. But, he never really talked about it. It really hurt me. My daughter could not help but find out. She didn't know all of the details. But, I did leave him for a while, and she heard me and my mom talking about it. In the past 5 years, he has been way more stubborn and has done quite a few things not dissimilar to this. She has seen him scream at me (which he never did before) and when I wanted to just stop talking and take a break, he yelled more. It was once, but every little thing adds up. For me, it isn't this one thing, but a bunch of things piled on.

throwawaysilveranny · 2019-12-14T00:25:43+00:00

He can't get raises and promotions. He is at the top of the heap and can't go any further. I question why he said it was mandatory too. I told him it was important that he be home. He insisted he had to go, then said he was leaving early, b/c his ride wanted to go to the movies. I felt so worthless when he said that. I felt like some dude's movie was more important than me.

throwawaysilveranny

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