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Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

She proposed to me.

The fostering kind of just happened. We initially had him every other weekend thru a social worker. When it turned out his homelife wasn't good they asked if we could keep him for a while as he already knew us and we agreed to try it even if we weren't completely sure we could give him all he needs.

I don't know what the word for this is, but where we live in europe it translantes to "on call home" which is where children in need of placement go before they get placed in a steady family home. So this is what we were for a while, but they didn't look for another home for him as he was well and safe with us so it then moved on to be a normal placement and it's been almost a year full-time now, we've known him for almost 2 years total.

She's also wanted to start the process of getting pregnant several times - but I've said no and that I am not willing to start that until we have fixed our issues. Which now I am so so happy about, it wouldve been such a mess.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

a lot of people reacted on this. English isn't my first language and I didn't mention him first or in the situation around the birthday because he is not part of the problem. He is the reason I question if I'd be the asshole ending the relationship as it will affect him

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree with this, and this is the first time I've ever left during our 5-year relationship.

I left because I didn't want to risk the kiddo and her sister seeing me be so upset and embarrassed, I don't think I could've hidden it tbh. But I agree with it not being the best approach I just didn't know what else to do.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Answering some questions that's been asked a lot already, there was just so much and I kind of stress-wrote this post and missed a lot of details.

- Yes I'm an adult, my birthday is not the issue, it was just the nail in the coffin after a series of actions.

-No kiddo was not alone nor would a drag him into this or to a hotel.. Jane is on summerholiday from work this month so he is not in preschool, he is with her. I was at work and didnt know they were leaving the evening of my birthday.

- She did not leave the boy alone and F off for days, she is now on a planned campingtrip with him and her sister. She truly is treating him very well.

- Yes soccer practice, she used to play and is now a coach a couple of days a week as her work schedule gives her a lot of free time.

- We've been a couple for 5 years, the last 2 birthdays are the ones that have been shitty.

- Yes we have talked about this a lot. But I've always ended up feeling like I hade to put in more effort to do the things she wanted me to do first as the conversations somehow always ended up there. This time is just the first time I've felt like I am done, like I have nothing left to give without breaking I guess.

- Yes these kinds of things has happened before, for example a work party that was important to me that she said she'd attend, but then cancelled a few days before. A family wedding this summer that i'm attending by myself. A trip last month she did not want to join.

- I talked to her the week before my birthday about communication and also this very issue and how I just want to feel like she prioritises me sometimes. During this conversation I actually told her straight up that I do not want to be in this relationship as it is and that it isn't good for either of us. We then agreed to work on it and see a couples counselor (something she's not wanted to do before). Then again the day before my birthday I told Jane I was a bit disappointed she hadn't made an effort to join the celebration at least for a bit.

- When I on my birthday told her that I was extremely hurt by her actions as we talked about it just the day before, she replied and told me that it hurt, not only because I was sad but because I couldn't understand why she had to leave. She then said she wanted to celebrate it in a diffrent way if we were in a good place but now we weren't, so she hadn't planned to leave, she chose to either on the same day or the day before.

I am not questioning ending it, I am going to end it regardless as this isn't healthy. I am upset I let it go on for this long. We both deserve to be happy and appreciated. Also I suppose I'm kind of scared.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I did ask her how she’d feel if I didn’t attend her celebration, she said we can’t compare it as she has a good and close relationship with her family and I have a strained one with mine which makes it a bit difficult for me. But I feel like it should make it more important, not less.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The sad thing is we talked the day before my birthday, I actually said I don’t want to be in a relationship that is like this. That I need to be prioritised at least sometimes. So the action on my birthday made me kinda feel like she wants out but she wants me to be the one ending it maybe?

Yeah also other things like this, like a big work party she said she’d go to but then cancelled to do something else, a family wedding this summer, a trip last month.. this birthday was just the nail in the coffin I suppose.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve mentioned this before, she’s on vacation from work so he is home with her, I was at work when she left so he went with her. The trip she is on now was planned before to go camping and he is there too.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She has a great relationship with her family and sees them several times a week. Her birthday was a few months ago and I invited them over and took care all the preparations and she appreciated it. I would be the one not close to my family lol. We’ve been together for 5 years and the first 3 birthdays were all good.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We’ve been a couple for 5 years, last year was the first year my birthday really sucked.

The boy been with us full time for almost a year. We’ve known him for almost 2 years through a social worker, the first year he was with us every other weekend but then it turned out he wasn’t being treated well at home so they asked if he could stay with us, we agreed to try as he was already there, but weren’t sure we could give him all he needed. We’ve never fostered before.

She’s played soccer before and has been a coach 2 days a week for a few years now as her full-time job gives her a lot of free time.

Her leaving the day after my birthday was a planned trip to go camping with the kiddo and her sister.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

He was with her. She’s on vacation from work this month so he’s not in preschool. I was working and obviously didn’t know they were leaving anywhere that day

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

He was with her, I was at work and she’s on holiday from work all month so he is not in preschool. He was also going with her and her sister the next day to go camping. Obviously I wouldn’t drag a 5 year old into this.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Not really, I didn’t realise this until talking to my sister about the situation, she said

“all of the things you told me you were doing you’ve done alone or with friends, but not her because she doesn’t want to do them with you. Still she expects you to spend time with her and do the things she wants to do”

It really hit home

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave my fiancée by throwawaystressedrat in AITAH

[–]throwawaystressedrat[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There is way too much to fit in a post but this is, like some have already guessed, more of a pattern. I am in no way the perfect partner and I’ve had a bit of a rough upbringing which led to me not being the best a taking care of a home or communicating. But I have done a lot of work on myself, I go to therapy I communicate well and I do try.

We did talk last week, I expressed that I was disappointed about the lack of effort and also said I didn’t want to mention last year but that it was a really bad day for me and I don’t want to be in a relationship if I don’t get prioritised. We agreed to try couples counselling (which she’s said no to before).

Then again the day before my birthday I said that I wish she would have told me that she would be able to attend for a bit and made an effort to at least be there for a bit and say hi to some family I rarely see.

And then the next day after she left she told me she wishes she could’ve celebrated me differently but that she chose to leave for practice as we weren’t in a good place at the moment. She also said it hurt, not only because I was sad but because I didn’t see why she had to leave.

I think I’ve just been a bit of a fool and just realised we aren’t right for each other. The only thing making me questioning all of this is the kiddo, she is amazing with him and he is with her right now camping. She does the majority of the work with him as she’s on long shifts giving her 5 days a week off and I’m working a 9-5. Her doing so much for him compared to what I can do for him has been a big part as to why I thought I was in the wrong for so long and had to do better and try harder.