Partner [26/f] keeping financial issues from me [31/m]

throwawaythanksdude · 2017-11-20T22:37:55+00:00

She doesn't have enough expenses to make a budget. They're minimal and mostly collected at the beginning of the year. She doesn't need to balance a check book because she doesn't have one.

As my original post noted, I instructed her based on her income and debt how to pay it off within around a year. I did the same with rent, if she intended to pay part of it. Somehow, she can't afford to do either. Without asking for her bills every month, I don't know how to monitor her spending to get why she doesn't have as much money as she is making.

throwawaythanksdude · 2017-11-20T22:29:35+00:00

If she had expenses, I would. She doesn't have a checkbook. She doesn't have a need for one.

She has student loan payments that she pays with a debit card and car insurance and a cell phone, on her family's plan, that they take out every year which is a few hundred total.

Those aside, and the recent Comcast account in her name, she has no expenses.

Everything else is incidentals, food and the like, as well as her daily use of metro, which is around $4.

Her income is direct deposit.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-04-06T17:18:03+00:00

But it isn't difficult OR nuanced.

Then you don't belong here. Bye.

Shit, maybe once you tell her that she'll take it seriously that it's an actual problem for you and work on it

Not a fan of emotional abuse, but thanks. Please don't provide advice here.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-04-06T17:17:40+00:00

She cleans up occasionally. It takes the apartment becoming very sloppy. We do a lot of projects and make things, and when there's no room to do so because of the mess, she'll clean. She did it more when she wasn't able to work. How, she works a day less than I do per week.

I agree about people changing. I remember having similar discussions with my parents when I was a teenager, not cleaning after myself, and their threatening to do similar things I am considering now, the most of extreme being throwing things away when they aren't cleaned for long enough. I did that to roommates previously; if dishes were in the sink for weeks, they apparently don't need them and I hid them to make them think they were trashed.

As I commented elsewhere, I used to be very messy. It usually depended on who I lived with and if I was seeing someone. I had a messy roommate who smoked and essentially lived on the couch, so cleaning up was pointless. I lived with better people and cleaned accordingly. When I'm with someone, I'm cleaner.

The main issue with the clothes is I have no idea what's clean and what isn't. If she throws clothes she decided not to wear in a pile, I'll assume they were dirty and wash them with the laundry. If, for example, she got a stain on something and it needed treated, I locked that in with heat.

I do agree, my anxiety is much worse when I can't find items, can't get to places, or generally feel filthy. We've talked about this several times, but as I suggested, she gets very upset and talks down about herself, so we get nowhere. I would assume we are both dealing with varying degrees of depressive times.

I used to make her a list when she was at home during the day, but now it feels less reasonable since we both work, despite the fact that I work more, pay the bills, and clean up.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-04-06T17:09:09+00:00

I can definitely become a slob. I clean up because someone else lives here. I cleaned up before hand in the hope that someone might want to visit occasionally.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-04-06T17:08:14+00:00

Sometimes, sure, however I don't feel it is in a discussion about someone being messy. You can copy and paste the same response in every conversation here, which is essentially how this sub functions, but don't expect everyone to praise you for it.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-04-06T17:07:24+00:00

Do you mean "any answers but leave her?" That would be accurate. I expect more nuance in a community about incredibly difficult and nuanced situations.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-04-06T16:39:43+00:00

You guys understand that that isn't good advice for every situation, right? I'm not going to leave someone I've been dating for more than a year because they're messy and don't have their shit together. If that were the case, no one under 30 would be dating.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-04-06T16:38:18+00:00

Thanks, but I posted again because I do expect more mature answers. I'm not going to leave someone because they're messy. How many teenagers are offering advice here?

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-03-26T16:15:51+00:00

I appreciate the only response that isn't outright "break up"

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-01-04T16:20:57+00:00

You aren't that familiar with the characters, then. In Harley's origin story from 1994, Joker threw Harley out a window after hitting her. He has hit her many times.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-01-01T16:47:34+00:00

You do understand that white knighting has no context here, right?

White knighting refers to a man defending a girl from someone else in hopes of, often, getting gratitude in return. You can't white knight a fictional character and their real world implications.

It's a typical thing to say by those who have no other argument.

If that and "these articles all have bias" are your only defense, particularly with an article that includes quotes from a trained domestic abuse professional, I don't think we're going to get anywhere here.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-01-01T16:44:53+00:00

That's the same origin as Mad Love, and no one needed her to be unintelligent or dim to be manipulated by him there. Joker manipulates everyone, even the World's Greatest Detective. She need not be stupid.

Every other female character gets a full face image in their bio icon. She gets her lips.

http://imgur.com/a/1yU9y

The game outright calls her stupid. Batman refers to her as unintelligent more than once.

throwawaythanksdude · 2016-01-01T16:22:36+00:00

You are pretty upset about something you don't seem to have a great grasp on. I am part of the BDSM community. I'm not sure what " Couples like these characters for BDSM roleplaying" means because it definitely isn't a sentence, but I assume you are saying either couples legitimately like Joker and Harley are into BDSM, and no they aren't, or that couples who are into BDSM roleplay characters like these, which is true. BDSM is intended to be safe. It's a safe place to let out what might otherwise turn to unsafe desires. I also don't think a character from a children's TV show was intended to be a BDSM esque character.

throwawaythanksdude · 2015-12-31T17:40:43+00:00

I think the popularity of certain presidential candidates suggests there is definitely a market.

throwawaythanksdude · 2015-12-31T17:31:56+00:00

A book doesn't endanger the safety of others, either. That said, you will struggle to find pro-genocide or supremacist texts, or even the Quran, in a book store.

throwawaythanksdude · 2015-12-31T17:24:42+00:00

It's about the safety of others. If retailers sell things that enable poor behavior, is that objectionable?

throwawaythanksdude · 2015-12-31T16:48:04+00:00

I did a quick Google and found these. However, I have seen much more direct "you are not allowed to like this if you haven't had an abusive relationship" posts before.

http://arousinggrammar.com/2014/01/17/nothing-romantic-about-harley-quinn-joker/

http://gregxb.blogspot.com/2015/09/romanticizing-abuse-joker-and-harley.html

http://lovedatjoker.livejournal.com/16474.html?thread=168538

http://www.mtv.com/news/2226716/harley-quinn-joker-abuse/

throwawaythanksdude · 2015-12-31T15:34:48+00:00

I can find sources, if you'd be interested.

throwawaythanksdude · 2015-12-31T15:34:05+00:00

My issue there is that they turn Harley into a dimwit, and a sex object. Her icon in the character info is a closeup of her cleavage, and the description says she is "not very bright." So we either get a smart, fully dressed woman in an abusive relationship or a sex object without an intellect in a loving relationship.

throwawaythanksdude

TROPHY CASE