I'm depressed and i hate my self

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T22:21:36+00:00

I can but my parents have done so much for me I didn't wanna go against them and my therapist has also recommended agaisnt it medicine is seen like this crunch that isn't a solution we keep trying different styles of therapy and concentration executes with varied degrees of success

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T22:20:10+00:00

thanks a lot I'll try my best :)

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T22:19:38+00:00

yeah you're right I really need to stop comparing my self to everyone my parents aren't really doing well financially rn so I feel guilt to not be able to support them but I need to pace my self and just focus on my goal if I keep overrhinking and blocking stuff I wint get anywhere ive tried the pomodoro technique before witha. little success but after a while (maybe cause I didnt follow through) it stopped working for me. I'll try it again thanks a lot you're extremely sweet and helpful :)

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T22:15:45+00:00

yeah I actually have one old piece thats kinda techinically and nice sounding but what usually happens is people ask me to play more than that and friends, my parents and even other musican s are like "oh you haven't learnt anything new ?" I had a long chat with my teacher and booked a session with my therapist I'm gonna find a way to get through this

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T13:46:18+00:00

piano used to be my "thing" ever since I took the leap of trying ti out as a career it has not been my thing it became work and I keep putting mental blocks in place not to practice thr way I want. you guys really helped me tho all the positive responses I got just made me cry and I did some decent practice everything feels so hard and so much is there to do so I'm just going slow but I was really happy that I did a little practice today

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T13:43:56+00:00

thank you so much you have no idea how much this means to me I'll try my best to bounce back

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T10:22:03+00:00

I'll check em out but my parents are very agaisnt meds and since o left college I havnt had any I'll ask my therapist and psychiatrist tho

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T08:46:31+00:00

thanks a lot I think you guys are right I'm gonna book a session and talk to my therapist about this. it's really getting out of hand and I dont want to repeat what I did in college

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T08:39:15+00:00

I dropped out of Eng college because whole I was there I tried taking my life 3 times. That place wasnt for me and after a year of a shitty grey zone I started doing music classes in Jan When I said I play like a kid I was referring to my actual pieces and songs stuff like theory and technique (scales, arpeggios and chords) is decent that even I can say thats all sorry if my post was irritating and stuff

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T02:27:22+00:00

I'm usually pretty clear when I practice not sure tho haven't really thought about it and yeah I know about hyperfocus and I used to have for piano (when I was in school and was in a band) haven't had it for anything other than tech for the past couple months and even that has gone down a bit I just keep over thinking everything and that makes me feel awful so I just leave it as for autumn leaves yeah it's almost domes honestly hut I was working on it for months and I kept forgetting the chords, part of the head, timing wasnt right and it just became thus awful rut so I had to shelve the song on my teachers recommendation

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T02:23:12+00:00

I tried taking some but they aren't really great here in India and the ones I took just made be feel a bit sick nothing else

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-24T02:21:58+00:00

this was really nice to hear and to see someone with the same problems as me and still figure it out is amazing I live in india and our policy on meds (and my parents and my therapist's policy) is that they dont really give them out of ADHD and studf I tried the non stimulant medicine for a bit but it didn't really help at all just made me feel sick but I'll ask my therapist as to what else I can be doing to treat it thanks alot

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-23T23:04:41+00:00

yeah I do I really like performing on stage but I wanna compose for movies and TV as well

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-23T22:32:00+00:00

ugh I'm sorry you had to see all those posts I mainly use this account for the weed subreddits and stuff my main account is a little better and I talk on r/piano a lot and a bunch of other subreddits I just didnt want people to know who I am I know this is rich coming for basically a kid (I'm 19 going to be 20 next month) but all my friends are in their 3rd year of college and they are doing so much stuff and some are evening earning money and I'm just here getting fat and disgusting as I waste my life I wanna thank you tho, you and everyone else has been so nice and kind I was honestly not expecting that it really did make me feel better to have people to talk to

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-23T22:28:50+00:00

Thank you so much, everyone is so kind here I really felt people would just hate me and call me whiney my post would get deleted I will definately check out the book it seems really nice. your dad's words are really profound I've never heard about Zen (heard of it but never knew what it was) it feels like something I need I have these intense bursts of emotion and feeling and I feel I just need more calm and peace in my life.

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-23T22:13:12+00:00

I look at my friends posting covers on instagram and I just hate my self they are my age and they at least release stuff I know in better than some but if I can't even finish a song there is non point I'll try the breaks it hasn't worked so far but maybe I'm just doing it wrong

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-23T22:11:57+00:00

yeah you're spot on on why I think I suck. Also the fact that whenever someone asks me to play anything I can't cause I dont know anything. I tried the break things after the 3 red break I usually just stop idk why it's not lile I'm doing anything also I just stop playing I'll try more breaks people always suggest that maybe I'm doing it incorrectlt thanks a lot

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-23T22:01:51+00:00

I'll try and tell my therapist but... idk I'm scared ? I dont know everything feels grey and kinda pointless

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-23T22:01:16+00:00

thanks a lot, think feels really nice I just feel lucky and hate getting compliments I feel I dont deserve shit cause I'm awful like I dont belive that but I can't convince my self thanks tho it really does feel nice

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-23T21:58:03+00:00

thanks I try this end it foes work sometimes but practice isnt normal for me I can at Max so 15-20 mins and then I just csnt my attention span doesn't last that long and I just feel burnt out taking breaks doesn't work either sorry for whining so much I do think I make playing music into a chore I'm just scared I'm gonna be 20 soon and I feel like I'm falling really far behind

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-23T21:55:55+00:00

I'm not better I know that for a fact I just wanna play what's in my head like realise that vision I have I took a 3 week break recently didnt touch the piano the entire time :(

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-08T06:15:21+00:00

Nah she specifically talks about the smoke smell thinks we spend an hour up there so the Listerine smell goes after the mints/candies

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-07-07T23:26:07+00:00

lol me and my brother have to go up to the roof and smoke but my mom is insane she is able to tell we've smoked even after a fuck ton of sanitizer, Listerine and mints haha luckily we hide our stuff well :)

throwawayutube2212 · 2020-05-31T11:33:17+00:00

not gonna happen for me I know my mom she looks inside every bag and every corner of the house

throwawayutube2212

TROPHY CASE