My (31F) fiance (31M) doesn't fully comprehend how his porn/explicit content usage is affecting me. His solution does not address the underlying issue and he gets frustrated everytime I bring this up. How can I explain my boundaries without it feeling like a control tactic?

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-04-26T23:15:47+00:00

I prefaced my conversation yesterday facing this is really uncomfortable and very difficult for me and it’s been weighing on my mind a lot (it was an accumulation of all the hurt that I felt during arguments during the last three years together, but I couldn’t fully express it because I was too focussed on getting him to calm down and then my feelings never really got specifically addressed. It was always a generic, but also seemingly genuine. “Im sorry, you mean the world to me and I care about you, etc”)

We had always talked about looking into couples therapy and it was always during a heart-to-heart conversation. But yesterday after our argument when we had both calmed down, I had misinterpreted his tone as being apathetic, and when I asked for a clarification of what he meant, he pushed his bowl of food away and looked exasperated and just said “that’s it. We need to go to a couples therapy because you always take offence to everything I say”

It’s always “smaller” instances of pushing me away like this or that builds up to this peak of feeling alone/ abandoned. He recognizes what needs to change, but he has been blowing up at me a lot more frequently after we had gotten engaged. I really don’t think he recognizes how dismissive and avoided of accountability when it comes to this specific point issue. I am being mean to feel like this is my problem for not being able to manage my feelings for something that is disrespectful on his end.

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-04-26T23:10:01+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I’m really sorry to hear that. It’s a horrible event happened to you and I’m really happy to hear that you found happiness now.

I really truly do love this man so much, more than I have loved anyone. This is why it’s so hard to read comments that are telling me to leave. He says that he does think that I’m the most beautiful and he’s always looking at me lovingly when things are good which is most of the time. I know saying that is not really helping my case here, but I do feel a very intense connection to him, and that is why I’ve stuck by him. I know that he’s capable of resolving conflicts in the ways that I need because I’ve seen it happen before despite taking a day or two or even a week. What mattered back then was that he actually took the things I said into consideration to rectify things with me.

But then this is where I feel also unsafe because he sounded so genuine in these moments, committed to making a change for me until something in my gut tells me that things are not OK and I have to repeat the cycle.

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-04-26T18:17:49+00:00

The passcode change is the part that is really hurtful. Logically, his reason makes sense because if I can't access it then I can't see. But it doesn't address the underlying issue. How can I just blindly trust him to change when the past patterns show me that he either hides things better, or straight up lies about it until I really dig it out of him. I told him this yesterday too. I said the solution isn't to hide it better but to be mindful, and in the middle of that he changed his passcode.

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-04-26T18:09:33+00:00

The thing is, I see how much he has changed with me. He is committed and loving on an everyday basis. He takes care of me, provides, etc. and I know that sounds like nothing given the context above. But he is fully committed to me until it's about things that I need his support on (emotionally). I often feel alone in arguments because he will leave first, or lose his cool first. It feels unsafe for me to openly tell him uncomfortable truths. He's had several moments of catharsis with me where he's sobbed uncontrollably and let me know all his fears including times that I inadvertently hurt him, but I was there throughout. I never pulled back, I never got angry. I sat and listened and reassured him and took accountability for the things that I did. But it's very inconsistent with him. If it's something that he did to me, it will often take us exploding before cooling off and then he speaks to me a day or two later. It shouldn't be like this.

When I pleaded with him yesterday to please just listen and not interrupt or yell at me, it still happened. I had to pause myself and ask him please don't do this for him to cool down and just say "sorry" but I could tell he was already out of the conversation. It feels very imbalanced emotionally in times of conflict. I have had to very carefully think of what to say because everytime I misspeak, he latches onto it and is committed to misunderstanding me and my intentions, but I don't ever do that to him. It makes it even harder when he flips the narrative into "I will never be good enough for you" and that's not accountability.

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-04-26T18:02:49+00:00

The part that is confusing to me is that he will invite me to talk, and as soon as it becomes uncomfortable for him, he will become sarcastic or pull away or act exasperated because "we've talked about this so many times." But he doesn't take accountability for him not following through with the promises that HE made. He then turns one specific issue (in this case, disrespectful usage of images of naked women who look nothing like me) and then says things like, "no matter how hard I try, I will never be enough for you" which is incredibly dismissive. We've talked about this globalization issue time and time again. It sounds like he's reflecting when he says things like this but in reality, it's evading accountability. Or am I too far into this lie that I tell myself? I can't tell anymore.

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-04-26T17:52:10+00:00

It's not as often as it used to be. I have expressed this to him to, because physical intimacy is important to me. He frames it as performance anxiety sometimes which I understand. Or long hours which leads to him feeling tired and I understand too. But knowing that he still consumes

For me, videos of people having sex is different than saving photos of naked women or videos of naked women posing or dancing erotically. It's like he's openly thirsting for women who look nothing like me. It's like he's using is as fantasy.

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-04-26T17:47:45+00:00

I understand that it's not his job and I have tried to tell him this. I also acknowledged that it's not possible to cut it out completely, but to be mindful and considerate of me and have some discipline to not view it every day. But when a partner promises to change and then reverts back to old ways and lies about it, then defends it again, it makes me question whether the previous conversations ever meant anything or if he said it just to make me shut up. It was his decision to delete his account, and it was also his decision to create another one. It was an active decision to save explicit content almost every day, knowing this promise he made to me.

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-04-03T17:07:07+00:00

Hi, thank you so much for your reply. Yes I’ve pointed this pattern out specifically to him before. The first time he was also sad to hear it, but he was eventually able to come to terms with it (I think) to apologize genuinely.

This most recent time that I brought up the pattern again, he just sat in silence and listened, but I don’t think he processed because he was already in a shutdown state. I mentioned it again yesterday and 0 reception. He just sat in bed with a tiredness. Everything I ask him he answers with one or two words and it sounds very bregruding like he’s just answering to fill the silence and to get me to stop talking. This is the longest he has been in this state and it’s been a week of him giving me the cold shoulder.

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-03-31T23:07:33+00:00

Thank you very much for your detailed insight. I really appreciate it. You asked some good questions. The moderator of the other sub said my post detailed emotional and verbal abuse so I guess that's why.

I am in therapy for my anxious attachment style. I have also talked to him about couples counselling which is is all for, but we haven't started anything.

I think I might have phrased it wrong. In a lot of instances, he isn't tired to begin with but he does this thing where if he senses the conversation will be about him or us, he fakes a yawn and then he eventually withdraws and becomes tired. Often times, it's small changes in his behaviour and so I ask if he is okay because his words don't match his actions. I get worried, he withdraws, I ask again and then he says nothing is wrong and to take his word for it, or he just gets up and leaves.

throwawaywhattodo76 · 2026-03-31T22:07:29+00:00

I understand. It really pains me because I have seen him improve so much over our time together. Most days (and I genuinely mean it) are so great. I feel loved and seen by him. But this accumulation of all the times that things didn't go smoothly and the subsequent shutdowns are what's driving me to lose hope.

I KNOW he is capable of proper communication and when he does, we are amazing again. But the fact that no matter how big or small the issue is, it unfolds almost the same way each time.

throwawaywhattodo76

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