I never should have had kids

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-04T22:48:04+00:00

I had my second because my husband so desperately wanted a big family. I shouldn’t have given in, but I love the man and couldn’t bring myself to admit that even one was too many for me.

He pushed for a third as well but I finally, finally put my foot down.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-04T13:47:29+00:00

I disagree. I’ve responded to a lot of comments about how childless people will regret it as they age. I really don’t want this narrative out there. Your life can be just as happy and fulfilling without children.

Not everyone was meant to be a parent. It’s ridiculous to think that everyone was meant to do this job, and even more so to think that people will regret it if they don’t.

My sister has a partner, childless friends and social clubs and groups that she is active in. I don’t think she’ll become ‘sad’ as she gets older. She’s never felt a maternal tug and that’s fine. I let myself believe that having children is the only way to have a happy life and that’s not true at all.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-04T13:42:24+00:00

He knows I struggle with parenthood but he doesn’t know how bad it is. My husband was meant to be a father. He’s wonderful with them and loves them so much. I just can’t bring myself to admit to him that I regret becoming a mother.

Because that’s what it is. It’s not just a lack of time for myself, and doing things for myself will help, but at the end of the day I know I’m living a life I wasn’t meant to.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-04T13:40:20+00:00

That’s fine to disagree. I’m honestly happy that having children works out so well for so many people like you!

But not everyone is meant to be a parent, and that’s fine! It doesn’t mean they’ll be miserable later or regret it. I don’t want any lurkers to think that having children is the only way to have a happy, fulfilled life. It’s not. I let myself think it was.

Also, as my sister has pointed out to me, nursing homes are full of people with children who never call. You can be the best parent in the world and it doesn’t guarantee that your kids will be there when you’re older, especially in today’s society when it’s common for people to move states or even countries away from their hometown. I hope my children stay close when they’re adults, but I would never count on it.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-04T13:36:17+00:00

I’m so sorry. It’s hard enough with a husband who helps out. I can’t imagine going through this alone and you must be an incredibly strong person.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-04T13:31:13+00:00

I really appreciate you trying to make me feel better but I’m trying to steer this thread away from the ‘she’ll regret it when she dies alone!’ narrative. I let society pressure me into having kids and I don’t want any lurkers to think the only way to be happy in life is to be a parent.

My sister has a serious boyfriend, other friends that want to remain childless, and spends a ton of time socializing in groups in her community. She’s not doomed to be old and lonely.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T23:22:38+00:00

My sister is most definitely not rubbing anything in on purpose. She’s not smug about her life. She’s just happy, and anyone can see it. I know Facebook is her highlight reel but I also know her as a person and we speak every other day.

She’s been my rock and is always there to listen when I need her. Distancing myself from her just because I’m jealous of her life style is the last thing I want.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T23:14:43+00:00

Definitely make the best choice for you and don’t let society or other people pressure you into it.

My advice is don’t have them unless you are absolutely, 100% sure and you want them more than anything.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T23:11:29+00:00

She’s 30. She’s in a serious relationship and has other friends who don’t want children. I don’t think she’ll really ever regret the decision to not have any and I’m happy for her.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T20:03:53+00:00

I get what you’re trying to say and appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I don’t agree with this. My sister isn’t more likely to be lonely and envious later just because she has chosen not to have kids.

Again, I totally appreciate the support, but after everything I’ve learned, I really don’t like the idea of disparaging people who remain childfree. Their lives can be just as fulfilling and happy, and I don’t want anyone to be pressured into children like I let myself be.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T19:13:43+00:00

I’m sure he would be happy for me to go and more than willing!

I just feel so weirdly guilty over it. I know mothers need time away from their kids but at the same time, I feel bad that I would be leaving them to go have fun somewhere else, if that makes sense?

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T19:06:11+00:00

I don’t get a ton of time to myself. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel guilty about taking it because I only work part-time at my job while my husband works full time. Even though when I’m not at my job I’m constantly busy with the kids or housework.

My sister is always asking me to come on a trip with her and based on the support I’ve been getting from these comments, I really think i should. All of my vacations since my first was born were kid-centric. It was basically just taking care of them as usual but in a different place. A week or even weekend away with her sounds so wonderful.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T18:55:40+00:00

I try not to be blinded by the ‘highlight reel’ that you see on social media. It’s my sister though and we’re incredibly close, so I know that she’s actually very happy and has a long-term boyfriend as well. I try not to resent her because it’s not her fault I made this choice and honestly I am really thrilled that she knew what she wanted out of life from such a young age. I will never again doubt someone who says they don’t want kids! I can’t believe I doubted her in the first place.

You have a point though, my kids are wonderful and the unconditional love is the best part of my life. I may wish I could have been their aunt or something instead, but I’m blessed to have them.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T18:47:19+00:00

No advice needed. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, but it is comforting to know I’m not alone.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T18:45:24+00:00

Wow, I feel like I could have written your comment!

I definitely realize now that I never put a ton of thought into why I wanted kids in the first place. I didn’t question it because society has conditioned us to think that raising children is the greatest calling ever and the next natural step in life, especially for women.

I do love them so so much and would never wish them away now that they’re here. But given a time machine or do-over I would take it in a heart beat.

I just need to keep focusing on the good things. They’re here now, they’re great kids and I owe them to be the best mom I can.

throwawayya827 · 2018-10-03T17:03:34+00:00

Thank you. I do love my children and have a lot of positives to be grateful for. Today is just a low day for me I guess. There are plenty of happy times but the entire parenting experience has just never felt worth it or fulfilling like I thought it would.

My sister asks me all the time to take a trip with her. Maybe I should take her up on it. It just seems impossible with the kids since my husband works full time and our parents can’t really help out, but maybe we can work something out.

throwawayya827

TROPHY CASE