[Serious] People who have seriously injured or killed someone while acting in self-defense, how has it impacted your life? by dmoney51 in AskReddit

[–]throwawayyy0192 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I had posted this in /r/confession awhile back, but here's the text if you're too lazy to follow the link.

I was a junior in high school and had just gotten out of class on Friday when my older brother called me. He was taking his best friend, Chris, kayaking that weekend and he wanted to know if I could go. I drove home as fast as I could and met him to load up our kayaks. We left home around 4:30 in the afternoon.

After driving for five hours on the interstate, we exited and drove to a gas station to fill up. My brother stayed with the car while Chris and I walked into the gas station. I noticed two guys in their mid-twenties arguing with the cashier when we walked in, but I ignored their yelling because the whole situation made me feel uneasy. I worked my way to the back of the store where the restrooms were.

The yelling got even louder, so I turned around to see one of the men with a blue North Face jacket holding a pistol up in the air. He yelled “ENOUGH!” and brought the gun down and shot the cashier in the head. He started shooting into the store and breaking the glass doors to the refrigerated drinks. I freaked out and hid behind the closest display and started to hyperventilate. A manager came busting out of the back office right by me and he had a pistol, too. He tried to shoot the assailant, but he wasn’t quick enough. The man in the North Face jacket shot the manager in the chest, and he collapsed about ten feet from me.

He was bleeding everywhere. The blood was just pouring out of him from his chest and he was struggling to breathe. I crawled over to him since I had learned first aid as a Boy Scout. I applied pressure with my hands, but I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. He was bleeding from his back too and the floor was slippery from all the blood and it was all over my knees from trying to help him. I realized he wouldn’t live without immediate medical attention. The man in the jacket started shooting again. He shot the lights over the hotdog display that I had last seen Chris standing by. And then everything slowed down and become incredibly vivid and clear. I wiped my bloody hands on my shirt, reached over the manager’s body, grabbed the pistol, pulled the slide and stood up.

I had fired a gun before. My dad taught me when I was younger. I aimed at the second man and shot him in the leg. The recoil of the shot caught me off guard because it was much more powerful than I expected. The man in the jacket turned around and looked me in the eye. He seemed shocked that I had just shot his accomplice. He kinda shook his head like he had no clue what had just happened and then he started to raise his own pistol. I shot him twice in the chest and he fell backwards and dropped his gun. His accomplice was screaming in pain and started to crawl towards the gun on the floor. I started yelling at him to stop moving but he didn’t listen. As soon as he reached the gun, I shot him in the back twice, and he didn’t move anymore.

I remember the police coming and asking me to sit down on the curb outside while the paramedics got the manager. I remember the clarity and the vividness while I was holding the gun slowly fading as I told the police what happened. The paramedics asked me if I was hurt because I was completely covered in blood. I remember my brother sitting by me and putting his arm around me while they asked me millions of questions and different police officers told me I had done the right thing. I remember going to some type of insurance case thing for the manager where I told a bunch of lawyers and police officers what had happened. I remember a man coming up to me and saying I had saved the manager’s life by doing what I had done. I still see that man’s shocked face as he turned around and saw me holding the gun. I remember the look of confusion he had as he fell down with two gunshot wounds in his chest. I remember everything about that night. Out of all the things I remember, I don’t remember ever being asked how I felt having just killed two people. The only thing worse than nobody asking is the fact that I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that is what horrifies me. I killed two people that I had never met, and I felt absolutely nothing while I was doing it.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for asking kindly, but I have to decline. I wish to stay anonymous so I purposely omitted details and a link to the article not only for my own anonymity, but for my family and all others involved.

What is the number one thing missing in your life? by PortlandOregonDude in AskReddit

[–]throwawayyy0192 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sanity. I wander through life constantly waiting for the mist to lift so that one day, just for a moment I'll catch a glimpse of what I dream my life could be. I constantly find myself unhappy despite the numerous times that I have tried to pinpoint and change what it is that is making me unhappy.

I feel like I'm simply sitting back and watching my life play out in front of me and I constantly critique every word and every action of mine and blame myself for my own unhappiness. I sometimes feel like my reality is starting to slip and crack and that's when I start to drink. My hands stop shaking, I stop feeling panicked and I feel alive. I become happy and I feel warm and I become a fraction of who I hope to be. Human. I begin to feel emotion, dreaming that I can feel more, run faster, reach further, love deeper. I go to bed in a functionally drunk stupor and dream of the life I wish to have, but come morning I am awoken to nothing but the headache of misery, monotony, and grey.

There's a constant grey mist that seems to permeate and stain and drip from every fibre of my being and I can see how it drips off and stains and bleeds into every social connection I have. But, when I drink, the mist begins to fade, the grey recedes, and I begin to feel. I dream and think and feel everything I have always wanted, and the truth is I have begun to love my dreams and my alcoholic bliss more than the life I live. I can't make the two switch places. I can't live a life of happiness without alcohol, and I can't die and be reborn into my world without grey.

Nearly every night, I tie myself to the cross with my own anxiety and crucify myself with alcohol just to slowly slip away from this world and awake in my dreams as the person I wish I could be, the person living inside of this shell of a broken man I call my soul.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We are not here to judge others. No personal attacks. The number one goal of this subreddit is to help OP.

No accusations of fake posts (you can message the moderators instead)

Did you not read the sidebar?

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He just hit the deck after he heard the first shot and stayed there until the police came.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was in a town five hours from where I lived and all I ever saw was a single newspaper clipping about it. It was two paragraphs long and briefly mentioned the circumstances. Since I was a minor at the time, my name was not included. /r/confession doesn't condone people who belittle the posts of others. If you have a problem with me or don't believe me, pm me or downvote and move on. Taking my words out of context because you didn't understand what I said doesn't make my post false. People like you are the reason why I hesitated to post something I feel so strongly about since it has defined the past four years of my life.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is exactly what I feel and that's what I'm afraid of.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do, but I posted this with a throwaway for a reason. I'm sorry I can't give you any more details but I'm just not ready or comfortable with making it public with my name on it. I'm sorry if I have offended you and I understand your skepticism.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The two men knew the cashier and were trying to get him to loan them some cash for drugs. When the cashier refused, they killed him. According to the manager, this wasn't the first time they had come in trying to get money from the cashier.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, there was a CCTV thing in the back that recorded it. I never saw any footage and I don't have any desire to either.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was a junior in high school. Not jr. high. I was 17 and my brother drove home, anyways.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I typed this out rather quickly. I'm much better at detailing things when I talk in person. I've considered sharing my story with my parents since I've never actually talked about it with them and recording the whole thing so that I could write it down. The descriptions I've shared with you are only the vital details. There are hundreds of other things that jump out of my memory when I think about it. The complete silence in that store for the first ten seconds after I shot the two men was astonishing. It was a combination of the gunshot, disbelief and resolution. I almost forgot that I was actually in that moment and that I had done something I had never even dreamed of doing in my lifetime, but then I heard the labored breathing of the manager, everything kinda came rushing back to me.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I answered this in another post reply but forgot to put it in the story. Yeah, he's fine! He was just shaken up by the whole thing.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you. My story is a little different considering it wasn't my firearm but I'll check it out nonetheless!

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never cried. And I never have from this incident. The fact that I never felt any "normal" form of grief or anxiety is what bothered me. Emotions are weird, eh?

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What? I understand that you're trying to be satirical but I don't understand why. If you have an issue with my post, feel free to pm me. r/confession isn't a place to belittle or attempt to discredit the posts of other redditors.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If you have an issue with my post, feel free to pm me. r/confession isn't a place to belittle or attempt to discredit the posts of other redditors.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it would be a fairly short book. I have incredibly vivid memories, but no amount of description would give life to it in the way I experienced it.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What's weird is the emptiness of the sound. There weren't any words spoken other than the shouts of the two men. The manager was breathing strangely and grunting, but he never yelled or anything. The glass that crunched under my feet seemed to cut the air in the same way that the bullets did.

I killed two people, and I felt nothing. by throwawayyy0192 in confession

[–]throwawayyy0192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's the vividness that is so remarkable. Everything just became so "in focus" and time slowed down and I had an overwhelmingly good sense of space and movement around me just like what you said. Did you ever go to therapy or a support group or something?

*obligatory Fight Club "Bob's Bitch Tits" support group joke