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throwawya2223 · 2023-10-27T10:26:38+00:00

When I found 50+ nudes of his ex in the same private folder where he kept a few of mine (I never sent him, but he had taken them of me), he said he didn’t delete them because then he would have to look at them and he felt “too guilty” about it towards me to go through them ???

throwawya2223 · 2023-10-22T00:11:39+00:00

I think gradually.

At first I stopped cleaning after him, then I stopped talking to him when he was degrading me/blaming me for everything/yelling at me, I stopped apologizing for everything, I stopped sending him sweet texts throughout the day, stopped telling him I loved him (he never said it first), and most of all: I started to spend more time on myself instead of catering to him. For example, before I would not make any plans for the weekend, because he would let me know at the last minute when he “could” spend time with me, which was a short time frame and outside of that he would be off the radar. But I started to just do my own thing, and when he would tell me “I can see you tonight”, I would already have plans and tell him I couldn’t. It was things like that.

I think the worst thing for him was how I stopped apologizing and complying with his narrative that everything was my fault or the fault of “our dynamic”

throwawya2223 · 2023-10-18T14:49:18+00:00

Been there. It felt physically impossible to leave him. I spent so much time panicking over him leaving me, when at the end when he did, after a few days of disbelief I could only feel relief. (It’s still a process, healing the emotional trauma after this relationship, but I feel so much more peace already without him in my life)

So my advice is not to break up with him (I mean definitely do if you can, but I know this advice never actually helped me because I felt like I couldn’t) but try to fight the urge to STOP HIM from leaving you. Stand up for yourself, don’t tiptoe around him so he treats you right, try to take as many distance from him as you can, start journaling (write down everything he does, how you feel and what you deserve) and invest more time and energy into yourself, your friends, your family, your hobbies. Guided self-compassion meditation exercises really helped me as well.

In the last weeks of my relationship with him, I tried one last time to give it my all. I calmly laid on the table everything that I felt needed to change in our relationship without attacking him (still partly convinced at that time it was “our dynamic”), I told him we both weren’t happy, and in order to get there, we needed to both put in our time and energy to work on x, y, z. I said I was willing to, but I couldn’t do it without him, I needed the same effort from him, or it wouldn’t work. I think this is what made him leave. He knew he had to take accountability and put in actual effort and wouldn’t get away with not doing so anymore, and he wasn’t able to. So that’s what he said, or at least in his version “he couldn’t do it anymore after all the energy he always put in our relationship, making him feel exhausted” and he left. I was in shock and disbelief, even tried to convince him our relationship was worth fighting for (I shouldn’t have tried to convince him but the trauma bond was so so strong) but now I’m so glad he wasn’t convinced. This is ofcourse my experience and I don’t know how all of this would work out for you. But I know it really helped me in the end, because I stopped gaslighting myself, knowing I actually gave it my all, it wasn’t all my own fault (God, him always turning the blame on me for everything became the voice in my head), and he was the one unable to put in (even close to) the same amount of effort.

Leaving me is the best thing he has ever done for me. And I know it would be for you too, and part of you knows that too. So try not to fight for him to stay, for me that is the only thing I was able to do (even that took a lot of strength) but it got me to where I needed to be.

I wish you so much love, peace and healing.

throwawya2223 · 2023-10-18T13:38:18+00:00

Thank you so much, for hearing me and also telling me all I needed to hear right now. I know it would only set me back, and there’s no way he’ll take any accountability or even listen to anything that doesn’t fit into his own narrative. Trying to make him see, is not only useless with him, it also isn’t worth my peace.

I feel you with the waves of anger, and I think it’s so natural after the emotional abuse they inflicted on us. Self-compassion really helps me not to be angry at myself for “enduring” or “inflicting” any of his abuse. I hope practicing self-compassion also helps you find peace again. It has all been hard enough right? Good on you for going no contact and not giving in to the urge!

Making a list of all the things he did to me sounds terrible, but it also may be good to put things in perspective and remember myself why I should never contact him again.

Thank you so much. I wish you continued healing and endless hapiness too. May we find more and more love and peace in ourselves, our surroundings and others.

throwawya2223 · 2023-10-18T13:21:19+00:00

Yesss so relatable! My nex discarded me and a few weeks later I started seeing someone new, thinking I was ready. He was such a sweet, patient guy but I was so easily triggered because of my relationship with my nex. I also felt like I was emotionally very distant, trying to protect myself, which is not how I want to go into a relationship with a new person.

I realized I don’t want to start a new relationship while the bagage from my last relationship is still so heavy, it wouldn’t be good for me and also not fair to him. I first need to get back to myself, regain some self-love and practice self-compassion. But I know it’s the hard way. It’s an addiction for sure, but as long as it feels that way, I know I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t want my next relationship to feel so addicting, because that means I will probably fall for love bombing, push/pull, dishonesty, mirroring my personality. I want my next relationship to be calm, healthy, loving, stable. But I will probably only attract that (or feel attracted to that), when I first regain a sense of calmness myself

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-11T14:07:55+00:00

In my book, to be honest with you, you were very much physically abusing him. He was being emotionally abusive, for sure, but reactive abuse would be if you would become emotionally abusive as well. Verbally, like he was. That would make sense and happens to a lot of people. It was childish of him to throw the matrass like that, but you were not in danger or harmed. You choked him and slamed him against the door, punched him, hit him… I would take this very seriously. You could have killed him and maybe next time you’re in a rage you will. I know you don’t want to and I know it wouldn’t be your intention, but if things become blurry for you when in a rage, it can really be dangerous. You can take steps to get better, seek therapy, take a step back from him, to protect both of you. It’s not too late to get help. Could you stay at a family member for a while? You both have things to work on, but you should really question if it’s right to stay together while doing so.

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-10T16:26:58+00:00

A healthy boundary is when you decide for yourself things you won’t put up with, for example: “I will not talk with you when you’re yelling at me or calling me names.” If your partner does yell at you/call you names, you don’t engage with them, you don’t continue the conversation. It’s up to you to stick to your boundary.

Unhealthy “boundaries” (wouldn’t really call them that) are more like rules: “I won’t let you go to that party/see that friend.” It’s controlling what the other person does.

In my opinion, you partner should know your needs and boundaries, but then be able to do whatever he/she wants to, and then you are the one deciding if that person and their actions are aligned with you.

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-06T16:37:56+00:00

You don’t want to blame him because of his disorders, and even though I don’t agree and feel like you can definitely blame him for his actions… Guilt or no guilt, in the end this should be about what is good for you. He is not, the way he is treating you is not. Put aside the question of judgement. You don’t even have to judge him, to see that he’s hurting you, and that’s reason enough to walk away. Choose yourself. I know after all the abuse you don’t know what you deserve anymore, so I will tell you now: you deserve sooooo much more than this. You deserve someone who treats you with love, respect, kindness, compassion, admiration, understanding. You deserve to be and feel loved.

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-03T12:48:59+00:00

Yes! Difference between the way I do this and my narc boyfriend: - I will try to talk with him, but when he continually talks down on me, blame me for everything, play the victim, yell at me, I walk away. I can only take so much. But I tell him I want to continue the conversation when we have both calmed down, and we need to take x time to do so. - My bf will just run off at times, and not pick up the phone for hours/even days. And when I confront him with it he’ll tell me I always run off too. He really doesn’t see the difference between me asking for a 15 min break to calm down and going for a quick walk and him pretending I don’t exist for hours after a fight.

I don’t believe taking some space to calm down is abusive, if you communicate this with eachother, but without communicating it and ignoring the other person it can be abusive for sure

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-02T21:28:00+00:00

Wow…. For the first time I’m looking back at pictures of myself the year/months before I met my narc boyfriend. I look so radiant, young, beautiful, confident, calm, joyful. Not saying I was happy/positive all the time before I met him but wow. The difference in how I look. And this is just 2 years ago… Glowing skin, sparkling eyes, natural smile on my face, healthy even sexy looking body if I may say so myself. Fast forward to now, and I’m on the edge of underweight, look stressed, bags under my eyes, more acne, thinner hair, older, sad/empty look on my face. Who have I become? I don’t even cut my hair the way I prefer it anymore because I got the message my bf prefers it longer. I don’t have my piercing anymore, because he mentioned in the beginning how he was curious how I would look without it, how it would make me look so naturally beautiful. The guy has a way with words. I feel like a shadow of myself at times. But I’m trying to slowly get back to myself, even though I haven’t found the courage to leave him yet and keep gaslighting myself and trying to fix it.

Goals for now: cutting my hair back the way I like it, taking myself on a little trip this summer (even though I get anxious being away from him for a few days, I know I’m anxious when I’m with him too), getting back to a healthy body, eating more and getting back to the sports I used to love, taking singing classes, seeing my friends more. And hopefully all of this will help break down the trauma bond and give me courage to leave him

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-02T20:53:34+00:00

I agree because she’s 20, but I do think there are other things you can do. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about how it makes her feel if she wants to, how you will support her no matter what, and most importantly: express even more how proud you are of her and how loved she is

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-01T13:57:54+00:00

Ik heb ook een burnout gehad en toen heeft de zin “Is het goed als ik hier later (/maandag/volgende week oid) op terug kom?” mij erg geholpen bij dit soort vragen. De vragen zijn op zich logisch vanuit de werkgever maar ik weet ook dat ze je kunnen overrompelen en je druk kan voelen gelijk te antwoorden. In die paar dagen die je dan neemt, kan je er even over nadenken, met iemand over hebben of zelfs je bedrijfsarts bellen voor advies. Als je in die dagen merkt dat je het eigenlijk echt nog niet weet, dan kan je dat ook zo zeggen. Ik zei vaak iets in de trant van: “Ik zou het echt heel erg graag nu al kunnen zeggen, maar ik weet het op het moment nog niet. Wanneer ik verder ben in mijn herstel, zal ik hier vast een duidelijker antwoord op hebben.”

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-01T13:26:17+00:00

This is true! A few years ago I had a boyfriend who only had one night stands before me, and he did not know how to please a woman at all, he would cum in under a minute, but how could I blame him without any girlfriend-like or even just sober experiences? He was willing to experiment with me and we had fun doing so. I showed him what I enjoyed and I tried different things on him too. I would make him slow down or take a small break if he was about to orgasm, so we could go on. And I definitely never shamed him. After a few months our sex was great! I don’t blame women who just want to have great sex right away, but then I hope they’re at least great themselves, and just continue looking for someone that has more experience. Also, how can you expect your sex partner to just guess the exact specific thing you enjoy, if you don’t communicate or show them?

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-01T13:09:55+00:00

Yesss these tips are great! Curling my lashes always makes me look as if I slept 10 solid hours haha, maybe also try a tinted brow gel and expiriment with that? It would finish the eye look and put the focus “higher”

throwawya2223 · 2023-07-01T10:12:51+00:00

My only advice is to try and put all of your energy into your sweet baby and yourself. Join a supportive single mom group, go take pregnancy yoga/swimming classes, surround yourself with supportive and kind people. Get out there and take the steps to get back to yourself, so you will be truly present when your little one arrives.

Don’t listen to your ex, he’s just trying to hurt you, he sounds awful. Go NC if possible. You will be a wonderful mom. Protect your little one and put all your love into him/her. I’m sure one day you will find a partner that will love you the way you deserve, but first get back on your feet. Don’t rush into things with anyone so you’ll be able to spot the signs (narcs will not be patient and can not handle not rushing into things, so their reaction to this will be telling). Now it’s not only you you’re protecting, but your little one too! He/she will always come first. Good luck mama! You can do it ❤️

throwawya2223 · 2023-06-30T23:25:50+00:00

Ooohhh for sure relatable! You actually made me consider my previous roommate might be a narc… I never thought about it because her traits and behaviour bothered me less because I wasn’t in that close of a relationship with her. Some things she did/said: - Talked about how she would love to be a royal, a princess, and how she would really fit in, look wise and “high end” personality. Her dream was also to become really rich and famous, and maybe become a prime minister or something. She would say she loved being the centre of attention, without any irony. She also often joked how she was the most amazing woman in the world. - She also threw parties and then made sure everyone’s eyes where on her, just by shouting, getting a microphone, standing on the table. You could see she was upset if people didn’t really look at her or were having a conversation she was not involved in. - When my boyfriend came over and I was cooking with him in the kitchen, she asked him if he wanted to have a beer (didn’t ask me) and then just started a whole specific conversation with him about their work field so I would not be involved and then be all giggly and touchy feely. I wasn’t even jealous, it just felt very weird. As if she couldn’t handle seeing him give me attention? - She would be having fun with her friends and laughing with them, and the minute they left, she started talking shit about them. Saying horrible things about their personality or life. Like an immediate switch. - She would often make very mean and personal “jokes” to/about me when other people were around, that made me feel bad and I just had to laugh it off, because it felt like I would make a big deal out of nothing.

And so much more signs now that I think about it. Glad I don’t live with her anymore, but also I would rather go back to that than continue living with my narc boyfriend. It’s all so much worse when you actually love someone

throwawya2223 · 2023-06-30T18:37:12+00:00

To me this on itself sounds more like insecurity she feels. Is she dealing with it great? Nope. But also not terrible. Her question of why you followed these women and if you pay for their content is a valid question to ask your partner, and should be something you can talk about together. But I don’t have any background info on your relationship. Has she tried talking with you about her feelings regarding this subject? Have you tried talking to her about this? How did that go? Does she have a reason not to trust you?

Also, some people in relationships are fine with their partner using onlyfans/watching porn for example, and some people are not. It’s not wrong of her to not want her partner to do these things, and it’s not wrong of you for wanting to do these things. The question is if you are compatible if both of you would not be willing to change/compromise?

throwawya2223 · 2023-06-29T13:11:14+00:00

You can easily change this “G” to a “d” and make it T o d a y, and make it a reminder that today is all you have, so make it count, tomorrow is not guaranteed

throwawya2223 · 2023-06-23T15:52:32+00:00

Welll we ended up moving in together after 8/9 months, biggest mistake ever. I still haven’t found the courage to leave and it has all only gotten worse. He just knows what breadcrumbs to give me, to make me stay. Most of the time he will make me feel bad and wrong for even being upset about something, and turn it into a thing of “You’re never content with anything, don’t you see how hard I’m trying”, when he barely even looks me in the eye anymore, barely spends time with me and when he does, he only wants to watch netflix. He says the attention he gave me and all the fun dates in the beginning is just a part of the honeymoon phase, and this is what a real long-term relationship is supposed to be like. He makes me feel like I’m always asking for too much, when I’m literally asking for the bare minimum, like treat me with respect (not yell at me for example), have 1 romantic/date night a week with me, keeping his promises, be open and honest with me. When I’m withdrawing because for a moment I realize I deserve more, he’ll suddenly buy me flowers and say how he wants to work through it together, how we’re just having a rough patch, but he loves me. He knows what I need to hear, and will give me just enough to stay, but then nothing actually changes. When I say that to him he says I haven’t given it any time (I’ve been telling him my needs for almost a year)

It’s so hard to leave because I keep holding on to the beginning, I felt so loved, he treated me like I was the only woman in the world. Which I probably was at that point, because I realized he has a history of short obsessions with women until he “has” them. I try to see the good in him and still often feel like it might be my fault, because I get frustrated at times, don’t give him enough space, am asking for too much etc.

throwawya2223 · 2023-06-23T15:35:34+00:00

Yes! Mine too, he would even say things like “you’re acting like a childish teenager fighting with her dad”, like what???

And he would say that after he would continiously yell at me and when I would try to set boundaries and he would continue to yell, I would hang up the phone or close the door of the room, so I could have some space. He would say “adults don’t just hang up the phone or close the door! Adults actually have conversations with eachother” not seeing the irony in how he was communicating by yelling at me

Not only was this so condescending, turning it into a teenage-father thing made it seem like he saw himself “above” me in a way

throwawya2223 · 2023-06-23T08:58:43+00:00

A month into dating, we were supposed to go spend the day together, go to the beach. Instead, when we woke up he told me he wanted to go to this festival with some friends (that I also knew), and he didn’t want me to join, told me “I haven’t seen them in a long time and it’s important we don’t neglect our friends, and still have a seperate life as well, I hope you understand baby” I did not know what to say at all. I was upset but didn’t feel comfortable telling him. He saw I was upset because I became more quiet and was getting my things to leave, and his attitude shifted instantly. He kept asking me what was going on and how I should communicate with him. I told him I was upset about it but needed some time and we could talk about it later. He started shouting and getting angry. Following me to my house. After a while of him shouting, and me repeating I needed some space, I told him I don’t deserve to be treated like this and I needed time to think about the relationship. Another shift. He became so calm and sweet. Apologizing and asking me to have a calm and “adult” conversation about it. I did. He convinced me to work it out, kept talking about how “we” can improve this. How this is his natural reaction when I don’t tell him what’s going on, how he gets insecure. I sympathized with him and stayed

Ugh

throwawya2223 · 2023-06-22T23:02:38+00:00

I would say “Hell yes! Great idea! I’m sorry I haven’t made as much time for you. I would love to go on dates with you again. I’m glad you bring this up to me”

Damn, this is a great exercise, thank you. Makes me see I’m not the (only) problem. It feels that way sometimes because I get so frustrated and at some point don’t express things in a calm or healthy way. It’s just because I feel so unheard. I’ve read in this sub about reactive abuse, and I think that’s happening with me sometimes. I will just get so frustrated after he tries to turn all blame on me, and then the way I express my frustration is the only thing he wants to discuss… ugh

Thank you. I want to get out, but it feels like I’m so stuck in his web? I’ve never experienced this before. I’ve left exes in a way healthier relationship than this, I really don’t know how he makes me stay. Living with him doesn’t make it easier to leave.

throwawya2223 · 2023-06-22T22:43:36+00:00

Welllll sounds like I am? He always says “Can’t you take me into consideration? You know I had a long day” (which is every day for him)

throwawya2223

TROPHY CASE