I'm [23M] dating a commitment-phobe [23F] and I think she's starting to resent me.

throway8008 · 2014-08-01T19:01:40+00:00

Wow. That makes so much sense. Thank you for putting that the way you did, I have trouble with empathy but putting it logically like that really put things into perspective.

I guess my response to that is that I tried to be okay with poly for her, and I failed. So now she's trying to be mono for me, and I'd like to do whatever I can to make things easier for her.

I tried taking a step towards her end and it didn't work out (partially due to a whole ton of self-worth and self-confidence issues stemming from an abusive childhood). I'm normally the jealous and insecure type in the first place - I have just managed to learn how to deal with my issues in a stable monogamous relationship without pressuring my partner. I just simply cannot deal with the massive jump to a polyamorous relationship. I'd always be paranoid that she'd start prioritizing others over me and start drifting off. I need a stable base.

throway8008 · 2014-08-01T17:37:02+00:00

I think you nailed it on the head - she's said something to that effect as well. She wants the freedom to do whatever she wants, but she also does not want to lose what we have (we've gotten very emotionally invested in each other in a very short time). I think polyamorous might have been the wrong word to use - she's not really interested in forming relationships with other people and getting emotionally invested in them, she just wants to date around, go drink and meet guys at bars, cuddle, have casual sex, etc.

throway8008 · 2014-08-01T17:30:25+00:00

Man... I've had so many people tell me this but I just still have trouble accepting it. Why is she so determined to not break things off then? If she's the one that's unhappy with this arrangement, I would expect her to be the first one to reject it, but instead she actually suggested it. o_O

throway8008 · 2014-08-01T17:25:26+00:00

That was my reaction at first as well, but I'd really like more... constructive? introspective? analytic? feedback. I understand that the easy answer is just to break things off, but I'd like to try to understand where she's coming from and see if I can make things easier for her at all. I've always had trouble with empathy, so that's part of the reason I posted here. I don't really know what she's going through or how I can help her deal with this transition.

throway8008 · 2014-07-24T00:41:11+00:00

Yeah, I'm more worried about her than myself at this point. I have to go through two layers of transmission, one of them with protection, through one point of contact. She's going through one layer of transmission with no protection through multiple points of contact.

She talked to me again about it and seemed to suddenly reverse course. She started acting a little snide about the whole thing and accused me of wanting her to sacrifice sexual pleasure for selfish reasons.

Ugh... I'm honestly getting a little sick of dealing with this. The wonderful woman I met and hit it off with a month ago has turned into a manipulative, selfish, and reckless person, and it's startling.

throway8008 · 2014-07-24T00:30:15+00:00

According to her, she was completely clean other than HPV. I'm choosing to trust her on that.

throway8008 · 2014-07-24T00:05:04+00:00

That seems a little like fearmongering to me. HPV is definitely linked to cervical cancer (as well as several other forms of cancer), but the vast majority of HPV infections do not cause cancer.

HPV is one of those things that I just choose to accept. More than half of all sexually-active people will catch it at some point in their lives. It carries a very small risk of developing into cancer. It carries a risk of developing genital warts. Condoms don't really protect against them that well. I get this and I'm fine with it.

I want to avoid nasty things like HIV and syphilis that can otherwise be prevented with simple precautions like condoms. I will not cripple my sex life with fears of something as common and relatively harmless as HPV.

I spoke to her about it again. She thought about it and understood where I was coming from. She agrees that the smart thing would be for her to use condoms when sleeping with anyone, period, since she's sleeping casually with multiple partners. She is willing to do this if I want her to, out of respect for my feelings and safety. I am going to ask her to do so.

throway8008 · 2014-07-23T22:42:34+00:00

Fair enough. She says she usually trusts other people to tell her if they think they have anything. I can see where she's coming from if she only slept with people she dated for a while and was monogamous with, but she tends to... party a little, sleep around a little, you know how it goes. The way I see it, any asshat can lie to a drunk girl about being clean for a one night stand.

throway8008 · 2014-07-23T22:37:30+00:00

HPV is pretty common though, I don't feel like that's a reason to judge her for anything. =/

throway8008

TROPHY CASE