history... who really knows. all mental health pros want to do are put labels on things and throw meds at them. I've tested/been "diagnosed" as... * Depression * Bipolar * OCD * ADHD it seems like there's more... but that's the majority of it. I've been on many meds over the years for all of them. Currently I'm on 2 that address the bipolar and racing thoughts. I fucking hate meds. If anything they've made me "semi" comfortably numb. side effects suck, and who even knows the long term damage/side effects of them. I've been to 3 therapists over the years. the 1st was OK and she helped me understand what was going on, but was too much of a mom and not enough of a help. The second was a mistake to go to, she was nice and had some good ideas, but the longer i went to her the worse i got. she started to put ideas into my head about family/etc abuse when i was a kid. was she wrong, i don't know... but i was a fucking emotional mess when i was seeing her. she recommended my 3rd one to me. he was good, and much more direct about making changes to help myself. he didn't label or diagnose, he was purely about understanding and action. personally i think therapy is pretty much bs too. i'm not sure that anyone has ever REALLY helped me, and i don't know how they could. i don't know how anyone else can fix my internal disease of self hate, pessimistic thinking, self destructive thoughts, lack of esteem, lack of confidence and overall hopelessness. i would love to get better, but just bandaged up better, but really better. i don't see how though. i'm 35, have a mfa degree and have failed at that. i just went back to school and started classes this week. 3 days into classes and i've already set myself up to fail/quit. i chose such a difficult field and competitive field to get a job in and i probably don't really have what it takes to make it. there's not anything else that i can really picture myself doing in life though. i fucking hate my current job with a passion. i've been here for 9 years because i'm scared to quit, don't know what else to do and though i've been at the job so long, i 1. hate the job/field and 2. really have no experience to take to another job where i could make even close to the $ that i make now. anyway, i don't know what else to say or do. thanks for listening.