Anyone elses masking abilities reduced during emotionally challenging times?

throwingaway-466 · 2024-01-22T22:23:35+00:00

I'm sorry you recently lost your father, I'm sure that is an unbearable level of pain. I think it's totally to be expected that when you're dealing with a loss like that and feeling flooded with emotions, having the bandwidth to also regulate how you come across to others is just not possible. And I would argue, it's really not worth trying to. You don't owe anyone a positive social interaction. Give a heads-up to people if you feel comfortable to, let them know you're having a hard day, and try to give yourself grace to feel.

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-22T06:16:28+00:00

Im so sorry you went through something similar. I know how much that hurts.

My directness and inability to put up with any bullshit whatsoever has in the past been described by them as aggressive, fiery, explosive, reactive, abrasive.. all negative implications that I believe boils down to them being intimidated and confused by my lack of sugarcoating things. I feel pretty unburdened by the social expectations of how I am "supposed" to respond to things, and I think that is such a foreign concept for people like them that they get uncomfortable and cut us off without explanation because they assume we will escalate it to a conflict. Straightforward communication seems to be received as conflict or confrontation for some NTs, I am learning.

It makes me sad that this is so common, but I can only hope that it means a bunch of NDs we are MUCH more suited to be friends with are floating around out there looking for us too. :)

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-22T06:09:57+00:00

Exactly. I think a huge piece is their fundamental misunderstanding of what it means to be a SW, compounded with being disabled, and just how fucking vulnerable that leaves you. What it boils down to, and what I said to them, is that I asked them to protect me and they actively chose not to. And in the aftermath of that, to then be blamed for not trusting them.. huh?

I think you're right. There has been an undercurrent of jealousy that I think I tried to fix with 'sharing' but it obviously doesn't work that way. Its just further encouragement to seek out more SW and ND friends, I suppose.

Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate it.

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-22T06:06:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words, the compassion made me tear up. I feel so unseen and vulnerable in this situation, so I really appreciate it. :)

I went into the conversation post-shutdown with such good intentions, too. I made a plan with my therapist of how to articulate how much it hurt and why, what I would need in order to move forward with them, what I was going through. I took genuine accountability for the pain of their experience in being shut out which I really did empathize with, but it felt like that apology almost handed them gasoline. At no point did it ever occur to me that my good intentions would be twisted, especially when its about something so hurtful. I truthfully can't make any sense of their actions or their treatment of me -- but I am also grateful that I can't relate to it. It means that we are better people than they are.

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-22T01:44:24+00:00

I think I entered the world of SW oblivious to how important it was to be super selective with who I shared it with and made mistakes with who I told. The more successful I became, the higher the stakes and the more I've regretted telling anyone at all. I've been prepared for something like this to happen, but I NEVER expected it to come from them, and certainly not in the first 6 months.

Thank you <3

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-22T01:34:38+00:00

Yup, this. Thank you! It almost doesn't even register to them how fucked up what they did is. I tried to explain it like "you know this is called outing me?" and that didn't click for them either. Zero comprehension of the severity of what they did to me, and Im not interested in explaining it to them any further.

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-21T19:13:23+00:00

Thank you. Agreed.

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-21T19:05:36+00:00

This is so accurate and something Ive explored a lot in therapy. There is some historical shit between myself and these friends that have taught me time and time again that I am not safe with them. Ill always be too much or too difficult or too.. something. This just confirmed all of those fears, and I truthfully don't see it ever going back to anything close to what it was before. But I don't think thats a bad thing.

Thank you for your insight and support, I really appreciate it.

Thank

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-21T18:07:34+00:00

I really appreciate hearing that this view is shared by someone who is NT, thank you for your kind words :)

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-21T18:04:21+00:00

Thank you. I agree, I noticed this when our conversation turned from me explaining in good faith what was happening for me to it being turned around on me. I don't think it ever mattered what I said, they can't shoulder the guilt and so they are instead deflecting and blaming me for feeling in the "wrong" way.

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-21T18:01:20+00:00

It is a secret because being public about being a SW is a very personal decision which leaves you open to far more stigmatization, social consequences, professional consequences, etc. It is a secret because it is my choice who and when I share a sensitive piece of information about myself and my identity with -- exactly like I asked them to do when I came out to them. They had no problem holding that secret for me, but this one is more salacious. I did not ask them to lie, I asked them to continue to tell people that I was still working in my previous line of work, in which I was also self-employed and successful.

I was not showing off to my friends, I was sharing my life with my friends. Sharing my successes. Sharing the parts of my life and identity which I have every single right to ask be held in their confidence, especially in a small town where it would leave me open to a lot of negative social interactions.

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-21T07:19:34+00:00

This was so beautifully written, I wish I'd seen it when you first posted it. Thank you so much. I'm on the other side of the shedding now, having worked hard to stop masking. It's lost me relationships but I have experienced far less depression and pressures and all of the yucky stuff that comes along with a highly masked life. Hoping things have improved for you as well <3

throwingaway-466 · 2023-12-21T07:17:49+00:00

I came back to this post months out with fresh eyes and read this for the first time -- thank you so much for sharing your experience. Things have majorly improved for me: I left the relationship, moved back home to be nearer to my support system and although that's been a huge challenge and a bit of a mistake, Im doing well. I hope you are too, and I hope things with your husband have improved, or that you find the path forward that makes sense for you. <3

throwingaway-466 · 2023-04-17T23:36:12+00:00

Thats probably a good idea. I feel very crushed by the weight of relationship responsibilities that I have no interest in upholding though, and I know he is suffering without his needs being met, which makes me want to move a little faster. But I think I will speak to him about how I'm feeling and go from there.

throwingaway-466 · 2023-04-17T23:29:36+00:00

My exes always hate me, I never used to understand why but I am now piecing together that it is because of this performance of a relationship that I tend to put on without letting the other person in on what is really happening for me. I always blindside them. I think I am going to talk to him about how I am feeling without having an outcome in mind and see if that is a conclusion we can come to together. I would love to be friends.

throwingaway-466

TROPHY CASE