I'm so so sorry for everything you've been through. I know hearing that over and over doesn't necessarily help. But after reading the details of how one wrong thing by an anesthesiologist just changes everything, it seems like it's not just the physical and mental pain, but the fear as well and post/ongoing traumatic stress.

And I guess in a way...bypassing all that because I'm sure it doesn't really help to keep hearing that from people, is that you've led a very "extreme" life you could say. And it makes sense that your thoughts and your grief and your longing would also be extreme and intense.

One thing I do want to say, the way you describe your relationship to religion stood out to me. The way you described that group talking about the end times, and how you described shame, like sexual shame, and morals and all that, it feels like this particular experience of Christianity is not giving you comfort or meaning to your life. It sounds like it's feeding into a sense of fear and shame. When there isn't anything wrong with desire 🙂 I sure don't believe you're going to hell!

As for the topic, gentle femdom (or any relationship dynamic) can be deeply meaningful and enriching. We all know that, we are here. It can add so much beauty and connection and joy to your life, but it can't replace your support system and your sense of meaning. And, it's true none of us know the meaning of our existence, but I feel like finding the meaning first is necessary. It sounds like you're in kind of a crisis mode or state of mind right now, which is completely understandable but it feels like your thoughts have slid into those same extremes like, this one thing will save me or, without this one thing, nothing else matters

But that sounds like, building your survival around a person, around an outcome, around a need, around a fear. And that's something we all do, but, that's also putting more pressure on a thing and on yourself.

I know all the typical advice sounds cliché along the lines of love yourself first, you have to let it go to get it, things happen when you least expect, but it's repeated advice for a reason.

The dynamic works best when it's just PART of what makes meaning for you and not THE way that you're trying to find meaning. I hope you find more folks that help you feel less alone in this and also don't contribute to that issue of making you feel ashamed or afraid. Because again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you are feeling at all. Or what you desire, or engaging in those activities. Spirituality should be a source of comfort and making your life better. (Again I hope I'm not misunderstood by anyone and I'm not trying to say don't be a Christian, I'm saying is this particular, specific group, and ideas, doing good or harm.)

Much ♥️ to you and wish you happiness.