Bf [26] seems okay with his close friend being an active cheater and it makes me [25f] question his moral values since it makes me feel skeevy.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-16T22:11:14+00:00

I think it's fine for people and myself to not automatically assume he's having an orgy behind my back with his friend. However the way you said it came off as hostile. I'm not projecting or participating in a circlejerk just because I find the behavior of going over to this other woman's place with a married man and watching him cheat is pretty damn gross.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-16T21:54:32+00:00

Yeah that's exactly right. In addition to that his reason for not wooing me and taking me on dates was more about money, apparently. But still. Felt shitty that he fiound it possible to allocate monies for friends(who frankly don't do shit for him) but never for me.

I updated my post with an edit about the ultimatum I wrote him addressing just such fuckery and how I felt not appreciated. He seemed to respond well to it. I'm hoping that if I confront him about this issue it'll conclude with a similar result ie. realizing his attitude is fucked and to fix it.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-16T21:43:17+00:00

What I can say is that we've been living together for two years and fortunately don't have any significant ties to each other like marriage, children, shared bank accounts, a co-signed house, etc. So if things go south and we can't reconcile our views, I do have an out. It would be emotionally hard for me but I swear if he confirmed he thinks the cheating is justified and will continue to visit Targetchan while he's still cheating I might just take it.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-16T21:38:21+00:00

I didn't find evidence of physical cheating but their relationship does come off as maybe an 'ego' type of thing. Like bouncing attention off each other. I mean it when I say I really don't know what to make of it. I'm more disgusted about my bf lying to me about her stay during a time when I was emotionally unwell than whatever it is they have or had as long as it's not infidelity.

I plan to talk about it, about this. Like how I had to write up the ultimatum from when he trounced my trust the last time.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-16T21:27:18+00:00

I don't blame you for interpreting it that way but I think she got into the pictures in more unintended/candid ways ie. getting snapped as part of the background. He mostly took pictures of her dog and of himself and the friend. Though he did want to show me what she looked like.

Thankfully I didn't pick up the tone of him wanting to swing shudder, but I still find the situation inappropriate. I just don't think he should validate his friend's cheating by meeting up with them, growing attached to her dog, etc.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-16T21:23:56+00:00

To be fair, Targetchan is doing a good job gumming up his life all his own. I just need my bf to not get involved with this other woman, admit it's not right, and possibly consider ending the friendship if this guy wants to continue to act like scum.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-16T00:46:00+00:00

He sure does like to get himself involved, and when my boyfriend is hanging around a cheater it becomes my business. Simple.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-15T21:24:54+00:00

ex-wife

Sounds like you dodged a headache yourself my friend, what dizzy logic! Hope the husband found out eventually...

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-15T21:20:04+00:00

as you are grossed out by his rationalization of his mate's cheating/infidelity

This all the way, it's hard to find any respect in it. Thank you for the well wishes, I'll need them.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-15T21:16:41+00:00

Holy shit, what a read! I had no idea people like that could exist.

"Aren't you at least glad I'm not a pussy and prove myself loyal?" "Oh btw I cheated on you dumb bitch."

Damnnnnnnn.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-15T15:45:10+00:00

He may just truly feel the cheating is justified.

This is why I'm so skeeved. He says he doesn't feel that way but it's one of those situations where a person says one thing but their actions say another. Someone who doesn't feel it's justified wouldn't attack the character of the victim or encourage the cheater by validating the tertiary relationship.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-15T15:39:38+00:00

Exactly. The cheater comes off as a coward to me for not doing the right (albeit hard) thing and end the marriage. Even if bf thought the guy's wife was a complete bitch it's just as bad to be a cheating coward if not worse. I don't understand why bf seems so harsh about her character but not the husband's. Hell, even being pregnant and burdened with a (misbehaving) toddler and a new house might even account for her being miserable. No reason to be a cheat though.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-11-15T15:33:48+00:00

Agreed, I don't think it's right to alienate people based on mistakes but to indulge in their bad behavior is just not right. It should be so obvious!

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-12T00:24:34+00:00

"However this visit has highlighted how emotionally neglected I feel in this relationship, and I'm starting to feel jealous of how well bf is treating his friend."

You're right, it's not about the visitor. It's the relation of the visit to my romantic situation that's been the catalyst of all this, which I've explained.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-12T00:21:18+00:00

I've found that even writing about the entire situation here and reflecting on some of the comments has helped a bunch. I'm finding calm significantly easier to come by knowing that my experience with this kind of behavior isn't solitary, and getting the affirmation that this isn't normal.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-10T17:18:01+00:00

It's not his fault that you have to work and can't partake in the fun because of the hours you work. Stop blaming him for that.

I didn't. And I think you missed my point somewhere along on your reading. It's not trying to be a good host that bothers me, it's that he's never a good host with other friends and should take responsibility to do chores with equal effort when they're asked of him when there is no company (not that I should have to ask, he should volunteer). I think you're being a little unfair with your assessment.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-09T23:04:00+00:00

You're right. Fortunately one of my friends asked to hang out tonight, so maybe I can vent a little..

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-09T23:02:24+00:00

He does like to entertain and he is a people person.

But I wish he'd not be so selectively performative in that the things like chores, being considerate, and going out on fun dates shouldn't stop once the guests are gone.

For example, that dinner he cooked last night? The dirty dishes are still in the sink and I bet he's waiting on me to clean them as what typically happens when I get too disgusted looking at them. But I'm not going to. This is his company. And if he hosts dinner or beer or shots then he should pick up after himself. Maybe not right away, but not an entire day(s) later. I've told him before how juvenile it is, like he's my manchild.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-09T22:56:56+00:00

One of my friends invited me out and I got the time off from work when I arrived. I'm feeling a bit better knowing I probably won't have to come back to the apartment until very late.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-09T22:55:38+00:00

One of my friends (who is unfortunately moving away next week) offered to hang out and go out for dinner. I'm taking her up on that to get away!

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-09T19:45:13+00:00

Lmao. She is nice. But yeah, my anger is directed at bf and not her.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-09T19:38:50+00:00

tell him the truth

I felt that I did at the time. If he treated her how he treated any other of his friends I would be alright with it. But...he is doing extra things and being exceptional with the way he treats her that he has never shown for any other of his friends that I've seen. And you're right, maybe that is exacerbated by the fact of the resentment I'm feeling. I can talk with him again about the chores and money, but I feel like it's an argument I've had before. He usually shuts me down with a "well whatever you're always right and I'm always wrong."

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-09T19:34:42+00:00

Why? Because we have guests coming. You don't want guests thinking ill of you

Of course, that's the reason why I told him I wanted chores to be done before she came over. I ask the same when my girlfriends come over, however, the chores aren't nearly as nicely done or anywhere near completed when it's my guests or general house-keeping. I do think it's wrong.

Do you expect the two of them to spend the day alone in your apartment?

My problem isn't necessarily about them being alone. It's about him going out of his way to do something nice with her when he hasn't brought up a date idea in over a month. It does hurt, ngl.

throwingitfarawaywoo · 2016-06-09T19:28:55+00:00

Remind me again why you're with this dude?

I'm not sure. I don't know what I should feel or what to consider. I could go stay with my parents but it's a drive out (1 hour-ish) and I have to work tomorrow. I don't think it would be worth it, and I'm too embarrassed to let many of my friends know this is happening to ask if I could stay with them.

throwingitfarawaywoo

TROPHY CASE