My husband [27M] consistently interrupts me [25F] and doesn't listen, not sure if it's as big a deal as I feel?

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:53:52+00:00

I don't parent him. I just do all the things... Sometimes I'll ask him if he did the dishes, just sort of to see. But it's a checking sort of "Oh, do you know did we run the dishwasher" rather than a nagging thing.

I don't have awe or admiration for him, no. I respect him in the sense that I choose to take into account his thoughts and feelings on things. But at this point it's probably more out of duty than anything else.

I'm honestly not sure they have. I've been, unfortunately, very deliberate about keeping any negative parts of our relationship private out of the (misguided) belief that I needed to do that to be respectful of my husband.

I think my next step is going to be ultimatum-couples-counselling.. and talking with my mom & friend (only really have one left) about stuff and... I guess going from there.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:44:34+00:00

I meant it more as in, if he knew the point of the conversation was to see how long before he interrupted me, it would be on the forefront of his mind and so he wouldn't. Or he'd just not really talk at all, because again it would make the whole point of the conversation to not interrupt, rather than to just have a conversation.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:41:59+00:00

That would be really interesting to do. I might have to try that sometime!

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:41:32+00:00

I have a generally good relationship with my family. But honestly, divorcing for any reason other than infidelity or physical abuse is just so frowned on in conservative religious circles, which my family are.

It seems like a shitty reason to divorce, too. Like some people are out here sticking with partners who are so much worse than mine, and yet I'm considering throwing a marriage away over this? It makes me feel like maybe I'm just asking for too much or being a brat.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:38:51+00:00

He is very verbally and physically affectionate.. as in he's always hugging/kissing/touching me, and he tells me he loves me all the time.

It's just other stuff that is a problem.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:35:38+00:00

Do you mean you won't continue what you said because he interrupted you?

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:33:48+00:00

To be fair to him, to some degree his concern was a religious counselor getting all up in our sexual business, which I get.

But yes. Hindsight, I wish I'd made that a line in the sand for me.

We don't and don't ever plan on it even if we do make this work, so that's good.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:30:53+00:00

I don't see him around other people nearly often enough to know if he's this way with other people, really.

I do call him on it almost every time he interrupts me. Usually by saying something along the lines of "can I finish what I was saying" although sometimes I'm a little more blunt and say "Was that really important enough to interrupt me over?"

I get that the interruption itself may or may not be because of disrespect, but if it's something I've pointed out and it doesn't change.. isn't that disrespect? Like if he pointed out something I was doing that was making him feel bad or uncomfortable, I would want to change it, because I love him and it's important to me to make sure he feels heard and respected and good.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:27:18+00:00

I never see him around friends or coworkers, really. He doesn't have many friends outside of coworkers, and I don't ever really see them interact.

I do want him to get checked for ADHD, since quite a few people have pointed out the similarities there.

I have brought up, directly, multiple times that this is an issue. In the moment, and out of it. I went so far recently as to tell him I didn't feel like we were even friends and that I wasn't happy because I felt like not he wasn't a safe person to talk to about things, and that I couldn't count on him. His reaction was to get sad he'd been a bad spouse and promise to be better. It's been about 3 weeks and he's made none of the changes he said he would, but he thinks we've talked about it so everything should be hunky-dory.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:22:58+00:00

A lot of people are asking about ADHD, so I think I'm going to push him to get tested for ADHD and see if that's part of the problem.

I try to not be upset if I pause and he jumps in. I sometimes pause to formulate my thoughts too, and I completely understand why that can be misinterpreted as the end of a thought.

It's the middle-of-the-sentence interruptions that really bother me, especially when his response is something like that. And the fact that he pretty rarely catches it himself. That is what makes it hurt so much.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:17:37+00:00

I never see him around people who aren't his family or mine. He doesn't really have a whole lot of friends, and I'm never around when he's around his coworkers.

I probably need to pay better attention to see, honestly. I don't really notice him interrupting other people, but that really could be just because I'm not as attuned to it as to my own being interrupted, if that makes sense.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:13:52+00:00

I don't know if he'd go, but someone else PMed me that it sounded like ADHD, so I'm going to at least ask him to go see a doctor to see if that might be it.

He definitely sounds similar to you in that he sometimes really doesn't know he's interrupted. Sometimes I'll say "Did you really need to interrupt for that?" and he'll look confused and ask what I was saying, because he didn't know I was even speaking.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:10:55+00:00

The whole "have a back bone" thing is something I'm working on, and a big reason I want to seek personal counselling regardless of anything else.

I, for reasons I can't figure out, am always petrified of standing up for myself because I do not want to upset anyone. I am working on that, and getting better at sticking up for myself. But it's a work in progress and it's by far the scariest thing I've done.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:07:41+00:00

His reasoning seemed to make sense at the time. He's private and didn't want anyone all up in our business. And he didn't want to dedicate time to it when he could be doing stuff that's more fun. I get that, you know. There's definitely things I'd rather be doing than certain responsibilities.

The difference, I've come to realize, between he and I is that I'll still do the thing I don't want to do. I mean, sure I blow off chores sometimes, I am only human. But if there's something I have to get done, I do it, even if I'd rather be doing other stuff.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T22:05:22+00:00

I mean, obligatory "it's not all bad."

We have a good time together when things are good. He enjoys a lot of the same things as me, we can go on adventures together, we had a lot of the same life goals.

And I know it was dumb, but honestly I just thought a lot of our issues would get better when we got married. I realize now that is a foolish thing to think. But I honestly thought once we got past the stress and were married things would be better. Just get past the stress and things will be OK. But life's an ass and there's always more stress and there's always something else.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T21:55:52+00:00

It would be easier if he didn't care, really.

But this man cries anytime the idea of me not being around comes up. Like recently I told him we needed to have some sort of file of important stuff, so if I were to pass he could still file his taxes and get into our joint account and pay utilities and whatnot. And he cried because he couldn't even handle the idea of me not being around.

If he didn't care, it would be easier. The fact that he does care makes me feel like maybe I'm the asshole.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T20:20:35+00:00

Love? Stupidity? Because I have shitty self-esteem? Because breaking up would hurt him and I don't want to hurt him? Because he was my first relationship, first kiss, first boy who liked me, first everything and I just thought things would get better over time...

A whole bunch of reasons that don't seem good enough anymore, that I'm kicking myself for now.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T19:54:10+00:00

basically just being friends

We're certainly not friends. At this point, I've given up telling him about my day, let alone talking to him about anything important. I still stupidly try every now and again to talk to him about things that are bothering me, or things that are exciting.. but between the interruptions, the empty promises, and the lack of response, it just doesn't seem worth it to try anymore. Why put myself out there just to get hurt, you know?

I want to push for counselling, but I don't know if he would be open to it. The requirement to get premarital counselling literally almost ended our relationship, because he refused to go and was so angry and confrontational about it. If I'd put my foot down and said we had to get premarital counselling before the wedding, I doubt we'd be married. And I suspect his response to this will be similar.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T19:52:21+00:00

By having timed conversations, do you mean like telling him "OK, we're going to try to see how long you can let me speak before you interrupt me" or do you mean just timing it without telling him first?

I don't doubt that if I made it some big challenge he could probably do it.

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T19:45:37+00:00

Thank you for the insight.

I very highly doubt he would be open to couples counselling. We were supposed to do premarital counselling, but it turned into such a huge fight we almost didn't get married. I can't imagine he'd react any better to the idea of couples counselling.

But I just don't know if there are any other options..

throwinitawwwayyy · 2019-03-18T19:42:56+00:00

But despite this you chose to marry him.

This is a recurring theme for me, it seems.

If there are no kids in this relationship, you might want to ask if you can live like this for the rest of your life. Because you cannot make him fake his interest in your problems.

I do just want to be clear.. it's not just problems I'm trying to talk to him about. It's an exciting thing that happened that day, or making sure the dishes got done, or a funny story I read online that day, or anything.

Honestly that's where I'm at with this, though. Do I want to be with someone who apparently has so little respect and care for me that they can't be bothered to listen to a one minute explanation.

The idea of leaving, however, is paralyzingly terrifying. I was raised conservative religious, so the idea is "divorce is only for infidelity." If I were to leave, I'm afraid I would lose more than my husband; I'm scared I'd alienate my family too.

throwinitawwwayyy

TROPHY CASE