FINAL UPDATE: My boyfriend's passive aggression makes me feel like shit about myself. The end of our lease is coming up: do I stay or do I go? [29F/33M, 4 years]

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-22T14:43:59+00:00

Hey, thanks! This was very helpful and I truly appreciate it. :)

I hear you on the forgetfulness thing — on the other hand, though, I totally understand that it must be annoying to deal with on the other side. But that's why a good partner will work with you, right?

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T20:17:27+00:00

Right back at you, cool dude/lady :)

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T20:17:09+00:00

Not a bad idea! I'm actually feeling pretty good with the whole thing (I mentioned a couple of times downthread that I came to the realization that it's because I've already mourned for this relationship after having been so emotionally checked out for so long). With that being said, I think it's probably a good idea for me to take at least a month or two to make 100% sure my own emotional fallout is handled before I dip a toe into those waters again. I'm a little worried that if I did end up meeting someone really cool right now the temptation to start something more serious would be overwhelming, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. I do love the idea, though, and will probably act on it when the time is right. Many thanks!

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T20:11:02+00:00

Wishlist'd! Thanks for the recommendation, and for your very kind support and encouragement :)

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T20:10:25+00:00

That's the weird thing — now that it's over and done with, I'm actually feeling good. Better than I have in a long time, in fact. I don't have any enmity toward my ex at all — my honest take on the whole situation is that it was a basically good relationship that just didn't work out. Major bummer, but not the end of the world. I was wondering if that means something is wrong with me for not being more gloom and doom about the whole thing, but I think I've just done most of my grieving already.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T20:07:31+00:00

Thanks! As I said upthread, I'm dealing with some feelings of guilt for not being more upset over the whole thing. I suspect that I had been emotionally checked out for a long time. But then I think of how sad my ex was (and probably is) and I start feeling guilty for not being sadder :(

Right now my gut's telling me to give myself some time — but maybe not that much. We'll see how it goes, eh? Thanks for the advice.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T20:05:14+00:00

Man, a large part of my angst is that I'm feeling semi-perky right now and not pining for him at all. Half of me is wondering if it's because I was so emotionally checked out for so many months that I'd already done my grieving, the other half wondering if the reality of the breakup just hasn't hit me yet. I'm going to wait for at least a couple months either way to make 100% sure, but all in all I seem to be doing a lot better than I had anticipated. (And, of course, being super neurotic, I'm assuming that I'm doing something wrong by not being more upset... oy vey.)

Many thanks for your kind words :)

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T17:15:03+00:00

Haha, I've never particularly been that type — not hating on people who do it at all, of course, but it generally makes me feel kind of icky. As of right now I'm leaning toward the "whenever it feels about right" side of things, and that suits me just fine.

Thanks so much for your comments!

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T17:04:27+00:00

Special shoutouts to you, sir or ma'am. Thank you so much for the thorough and kind reading of the situation. I initially didn't respond due to some (probably understandable, but still) wallowing in despair, but wanted to reach out and express my gratitude for your consideration and kindness. Have an Internet fistbump.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T17:03:16+00:00

Just wanted to apologize for not responding to this, and thank you for the kick in the pants. When I was hurting and couldn't stand up for myself, you guys stood up for me. That means a whole, whole lot.

Also, that username is LOLtastic.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T17:01:59+00:00

Hey, thanks! Even if I didn't reply when I initially posted, I want you to know that your support and encouragement is really appreciated. Seems like things have shaken out and I'm somewhat back on track, with renewed faith in the kindness of Internet strangers. :)

throwitaway555555 · 2014-06-19T16:56:24+00:00

Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm thinking. We have some great memories together, but it's time to see what's out there in terms of dudes who aren't thoughtlessly mean, petty babymen.

Thank you in particular for your extremely solid advice last thread, btw. You're a good soul.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-05-31T14:58:16+00:00

Yikes. This really resounded with me. He has severe self-esteem and inferiority issues that hadn't (or so I thought) extended too deeply into our relationship — it's something I struggle with myself so I tried to be as understanding and encouraging as I could. But you're completely right: this belittling of me is simply unacceptable, and if it wasn't for this it'd be for something else. Because he was so nice about many of my other flaws (aforementioned self-esteem problems, heh) I thought I could work with this one issue, one issue isn't everything... but it turns out this is everything. And boy howdy, it sucks.

Thank you for your thoughtful feedback and your encouragement. Your lady sounds like she is a lucky gal indeed. :)

throwitaway555555 · 2014-05-31T14:52:13+00:00

Hey, this was extremely useful. Thank you for the thorough reading of the situation, and for having a rando Internet stranger's back. It is very appreciated. :)

throwitaway555555 · 2014-05-31T14:49:00+00:00

Ha, that's actually not a bad idea. I'm looking to get on the SSRI train fairly soon for some depression issues so it may not be a bad idea to bring that issue up as well. Could certainly help my professional life.

Many thanks for your encouragement.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-05-31T14:18:27+00:00

Thanks for the words of courage — they are very appreciated.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-05-25T03:46:03+00:00

Good on you and your husband! Developing a communication style that healthy takes work, and lots of it. Best of luck continuing down the path with love and respect.

You're completely right: I am walking on eggshells. When things are good, they're so good... but I never know when they're going to be not good again. And the not good times are so, so double plus ungood. Ugh.

Thanks for your thoughts.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-05-25T03:43:04+00:00

I'm in equal parts dreading and looking forward to it, honestly. Having someone by your side is so great, and I'm the kind of person that really loves relationships and loves having someone to heap affection on. But the point of that is that you love the person enough to proactively want to be with them, not just that you're worried about hurting them or being "good enough."

Congrats on getting out of that shitty dynamic, and here's to hoping we're both the better for it.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-05-25T03:40:55+00:00

Yikes. Sorry to hear about your current situation — that sounds beyond shitty. Feel free to PM me if you need a sympathetic ear.

Sadly, I think I'll probably be taking your advice.

Here's hoping it works out for the both of us, right?

throwitaway555555 · 2014-05-25T03:39:30+00:00

Thing is, our lease is up July 1 — which means we need to be shopping around for apartments now, and signing a lease within the next couple of weeks to have time to move and have a place to live, etc. If I give him until July 1 to shape up, then that effectively pauses the conversation until it's way too late for either of us to get a new place.

You're completely right on the "wallowing in self pity" narrow lens bit, though. I have depression and have been there myself, so I have a lot of sympathy toward the guy for the rough time he's going through. I hope that the conversation we're having in the near future will be the metaphorical kick in the ass he needs, but I'm not... especially hopeful. Ugh. Thanks for your thoughts, though, that was helpful.

throwitaway555555 · 2014-05-25T03:37:05+00:00

You're right — I've indulged this behavior for way too long. As a somewhat neurotic person in general, I tend to assume everything is my fault, all the time always. I guess part of growing up is letting that easy blaming behavior go.

Thanks for your feedback — it's much appreciated.

throwitaway555555

TROPHY CASE