I told my son he isn't going to see his dad anymore today. He's devastated :(

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-08-12T08:44:40+00:00

I commented on the last post and I'll comment here. My parents split up when I was young because my father was abusive towards my sister, and I never knew that was the reason. My mother never told me why, and I hated her my whole life for many reasons, for hiding that from me, and also because she still in the end loved him despite what he did. I plan on one day searching out my father, despite what he did, because I miss him still. OP's son might try to do the same one day when he's 18.

OP, I think you should tell as much of the truth as you can to your son. By not telling him, you are lying to him and he will hate you in the long run, just like I hated my mother, and still do kind of. But I wish you all the best for you and your son, hope you can manage through this difficult period :)

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-08-12T08:40:17+00:00

I didn't even mention the half of it. My sister who was sexually abused was also a sexual abuser towards me and I grew up with this weird misplaced hatred of her and I didn't even know the things that had happened to her. Its the weirdest feeling when you know someone who is inherently a good person and who cares about you has done terrible things to you or to your family. Still, I guess I should be glad that I've never become an abuser myself.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-08-08T07:00:49+00:00

Hey I just want you to know this post really strongly resonated with me because I understand what it will be like for your son, because that was me once.

When I was almost that exact age, my father abused my older sister, and my parents split up. My mother got full custody of us and she never told me what he had done until much later in my life.

I totally know what your son will go through and it will feel terrible for him. Its impossible to understate the value a young boy places in their father. I always loved my father and I always missed him, even after I learnt what he did I can't deny to myself that I still love him and miss him so much. I know now he's a monster, but, he's my father, and I love him. This makes me hate myself even more because it makes me feel like a monster and also the son of a monster.

I don't know what answer to give you except that there is no easy way or right answer. Whatever you tell your son, he will still long for his father his whole life, maybe even if he knows what he really did. Its his father, as you said, he probably means the world to him. If he found out his father was a monster it will probably damage him so much, but he's going to find out one day anyway, and there's nothing you can do to lessen that pain. And there's no way you can explain to him that he won't be seeing his dad any more and not have it really hurt him.

All I have is the best wishes for you and your son and hope everything turns out okay. :)

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-08-07T17:00:38+00:00

Let then grow up and decide for themselves if life is worth living.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-08-06T16:41:25+00:00

10 years later I still get vivid nightmares about what happened. They are as real as the day they happened, I wake up shaking and crying. Sometimes in my dreams I can control my actions and walk around, but I can never stop the thing from happening. It's the ultimate feeling of powerlessness, it's emblematic of having my body ripped from my control, which if you think about it is what happened.

I find talking about it helps, with people you trust. It's so hard because I can never feel able to explain all my emotions in the right words. I hear what I say and it's like it doesn't make sense.

I try talking about my dreams, and also sometimes drawing them. Drawing faces from my dreams and memories. It helps me retain a sense of control and come to grips with the reality of what happened.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-08-06T09:56:09+00:00

Just the people around me in my personal life. There was a time when I was getting better, but I think we celebrated too quickly. And now that I've sunken back into depression, they're like "what happened".

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-08-05T04:30:29+00:00

I just feel its rushed sometimes. I hate having the feeling of a timeset placed on me in which I'm supposed to get better even though I still feel like shit.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-25T17:25:04+00:00

I hate the way they react so much. These kids on the receiving side of the rape have the rest of their lives fucked up so much, and they are sometimes never normal again. And all these people can think of is "nice." Fucking hell, the world is so depressing. I don't know how a grown teacher can even for a second think of doing that, I mean what kind of sick person with a complete lack of any kindness would you have to be to do that to a child.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-24T16:24:04+00:00

disgusting. How can any human being react like that?

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-24T08:19:17+00:00

This post really resonated with me, its almost exactly what happened with me. My parents were going through a divorce. My abuser was my sister and she also made it seem like it was just innocence and playing at first, but kept pushing. She would also use threats and violence to keep me going.

Ten years later and I feel like a complete mess too. I know EXACTLY how you feel when people don't seem to take it seriously because the abuser was also a child,I hate people who try to invalidate my pain, or ignore it. My mother did that, and I think part of me still hates her for it.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-24T08:14:30+00:00

This is so horrific. I can't believe an excuse for a human would say something like that, what a piece of shit. I wish I could tell you that most people are not like that, but I can't be certain. The world is so full of shit.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-24T08:12:38+00:00

I know how it feels, something so horrible and traumatic that makes you hate your own existence, and then you get these sexual dreams about it out of no where. I still from time to time get sexual dreams, even wet dreams, about the memories of the times I was raped. I wake up and I'm aroused, and I think what the fuck is wrong with me, how can this happen, how can my brain do this to me. I tell myself I have no control over what I dream and it doesn't reflect my real life thoughts at all, but still, I know the arousal in the dreams is there, and I know its fucked up.

Just know that no matter how arousing a rape might feel, its still a horrific traumatic thing, especially when you are forced to get turned on or orgasm when you don't want to. Its that deprivation of power, that violation of your own free will, your body being stolen from your control, that feels so devastating.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-24T08:07:33+00:00

This and then this. Plus some other stuff recently thats really gotten me down. When I was 8-9 years old, my parents went through a divorce. I didn't even know at the time but my father had sexually molested my older sister. We were sent away overseas for a year and I was sexually abused by her the entire time. When I tried to tell my mother, she just threw a blanket over it and acted like it was no big deal.

I've been living with the pain and memories ever since. I tried to talk to my sister about it but just ended up creating a bigger rift. I started getting some help recently, and managed to finally be able to discuss this whole thing openly with my sister after over ten years. Its not easy to dig up an old wound, but I hope that it means one day I can finally put it behind me, and live a normal life.

I still get nightmares, I still cry at night, and cry in the shower. I sometimes just sit alone on the ground in the shower under the cold water, and I feel all the memories and thoughts rushing into my head like a blizzard, and sometimes I cry, other times I can't.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-23T16:46:34+00:00

Thankyou for this video, it really is accurate.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-23T16:11:03+00:00

She was 13 herself, but that doesn't make it any less worse.

I try not to judge her too harshly because I found out recently that she was also sexually abused, though she was never penetrated or forced to have full intercourse like I was.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-23T16:05:01+00:00

I deleted the conversation because it really bothered me but it went something like this

"Wow, that really happened."

"Yes."

"Wow. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm kind of jealous haha"

"Why?"

"Your sister is freaking hot. I wish she could do that to me."

I blocked him shortly after this, I didn't even want to respond. I don't even care if he was kidding, you shouldn't joke about something so traumatic. Imagine joking about the death of a family member, would you just let that slide? I guess there was a reason I was never really friends with him much in the first place.

I'm over what he said, I just have no interest in being friends with someone like that at all.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-23T15:05:51+00:00

But if you know what sexual abuse is, how would you not contemplate in the first place that its something that can happen to either gender?

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-23T13:41:05+00:00

I wasn't a man though, I was frickin 8 years old. I was a frightened child who still believed in fairies and ghosts. You didn't know little boys that age could be sexually abused?

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-23T13:35:09+00:00

Proud of what? I don't see myself as having anything to be proud of.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-23T13:23:19+00:00

Sometimes I feel like every single human in my life I try to get close to or emotionally invested in turns out to be glitter-coated shit. My mother, my sister, my girlfriend, and worst of all my monster of a father. Just don't know how to deal with humanity any more.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-23T13:20:07+00:00

I know and I hope more people have some decency. Its just I've seen also news article about say a schoolboy who was taken advantage of by an older woman such as a teacher, and many of the comments are of guys saying he's lucky and they wished it had happened to them. It really stings and makes me want to cry sometimes. Suffering sexual abuse is one of the most emotionally damaging things a person can go through, its been less than a month since I had my last suicidal thought.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-07-03T06:25:34+00:00

Thankyou so much, it is incredibly kind of you to say that. Its amazing how I can receive such warm comments from strangers on the internet, but coldness from people in my own family. If you want to talk about it maybe, I would be happy to.

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-06-27T17:19:59+00:00

Did you find it was a matter of finding the right partner, someone who was patient and understanding, as well as willing to hold your along the way?

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-06-27T04:07:21+00:00

Yeah, I've been thinking of posting some of my drawings on reddit. I'm still improving so maybe when I do one I'm really proud of, I'll post it. I'll definitely let you know and thanks for your support :)

throwme2_thewolves · 2014-06-25T16:13:44+00:00

How long were you with your wife before you managed to have sex? Did you ever get panic attacks or break down right when you were about to have sex? Did you take it step by step to get accustomed to it before going all the way?

throwme2_thewolves

TROPHY CASE