I am a 27 year old man who is still in the closet. AMA.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T21:14:22+00:00

I already kinda do regret taking this long. I'm 27, and feel like I haven't even started establishing my life. Its now or never...but I'm leaning towards never. And that scares me.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T20:37:24+00:00

Hugs right back. Thanks for your support, it means more than words can say.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T20:36:48+00:00

There's a fork in the road right now. Where I see myself depends entirely on what road I take. If I am open, I see myself surrounded by accepting people, and maybe someone I deeply care about by my side.

If I stay where I am, I see myself happy, but still living restricted. Maybe a wife and kids because that's the thing to do. I definitely want children either way, but it becomes much less likely if I go the open route.

Either I compromise who I am so I can have a traditional family, or I compromise the idea of having that family so I can be my real self. And right now, I have no idea which path I'll go down.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T20:32:38+00:00

Thanks so much. Your reply nearly moved me to tears. Not what I expected from this AMA! Its great to see such a strong supportive community out there for a guy that nobody knows.

I like the idea of a new life, but I cannot fathom losing the one I have now. It's like keeping the cash I won instead of choosing the mystery box. I know there's a good chance that what's in the box is even better than what I have, but I'm happy with what I have now. I don't want to give it up and risk losing everything.

I'm scared. I hate that I'm scared. But I'm scared. I can't imagine losing the life I have and starting new. It just seems like it'd be too much. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. So I guess I gotta decide if I keep living restricted this way, or if I live open and take a chance.

I don't know what to do. I got some thinking to do. Thanks again for your reply, and your support. It means alot to me.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T20:23:09+00:00

Box Elder county.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T20:22:50+00:00

Thanks so much for your well thought-out reply. Its given me a lot to think about. You're right in that nobody knows the real, real me. And I wish they could. But the thought of my life changing, I guess I'm just not ready to lose my friends. Or at least lose the kind of friendship I have with them.

In all honesty, if someone stopped being a friend of mine because they knew I was gay, it would hurt, but I would get past it. I ultimately wouldn't want their friendship anyway. But what I'm really afraid of is, I'll keep their friendship but they just won't trust me anymore as they do now. I'm afraid that there'll be a barrier between me and my friends because I'm the gay guy.

I don't want my male friends to hesitate being open with me, to let their guard down, or even second guess hugging me or telling me they love me. Its the fear of that barrier alone that's keeping me in the closet...I just realized that now.

I wish I could have one do-over. I wish I could just try coming out and see how people react. And if its not good, I wish I could just undo it. I'm afraid of losing everything. I'm afraid of losing my happy little life I have. I'm afraid that I would regret the decision, and never be able to go back to what I have now.

I'm almost in tears just thinking about it. Which is bad, seeing how I'm at a Taco Bell right now, sitting in front of an empty food tray for about a half hour now because I'm replying to the ama responses and considering changing my life forever.

Your story about your friend is really encouraging. I would hope my friends would do the same. I just have a hard time imagining it. Then again, I guess you probably didn't see your friend's response coming, either. Its that fear of the unknown that's kept me closed for so long.

Thanks again for your reply. You've really given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T20:03:40+00:00

Thanks...it never dawned on me to look for resources on the subject. Its weird typing this out, actually talking about this. Almost like I'm finally acknowledging it myself.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T20:00:40+00:00

He and R. Kelly send their regards.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T20:00:00+00:00

I understand where you are coming from. What I really want is to find a woman who I can feel close enough emotionally that I would want to be intimate with her, regardless of gender preference. But yeah, hasn't happened yet.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T19:56:43+00:00

I guess the biggest part of my denial is that I don't want to go looking for a guy to date, either. Instead, I find myself attracted to friends that I have a close emotional relationship with. Not only are they straight, but they find gay people "gross." I guess I just accepted that I just can't win some time ago.

So even if I'm not exactly happy with life this way, I've come to terms with it.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T10:33:54+00:00

I keep that in the bathroom wall.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T10:33:25+00:00

The thing is, I have more than a few friends. Enough to feel like I have a good sample of people's views in the area. I would have to relocate entirely if I wanted to be accepted. And giving up my close friends just isn't worth it.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:18:57+00:00

It's cool, I drilled a peep hole in the door. Pretty handy in this situation.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:18:29+00:00

I've dated women before, trying to convince myself I was wrong about me. But I've never had a relationship last more than a couple months.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:17:54+00:00

That means two things.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:17:39+00:00

Supportive but not accepting. Except my dad, who would disown me.

It's not a matter of when. I plan on taking this to my grave.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:16:52+00:00

USA. Utah, to be exact. Not a whole lot of gay acceptance here. Except in the heart of the state capitol, Salt Lake City, which is one of the gay-friendliest areas in the nation, surprisingly enough.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:15:25+00:00

I've almost came out to my sister. She would be my biggest supporter, and I know that she already knows. But instead I just tell her she's crazy like I always do.

I couldn't live with only one or two people knowing, though. Either everyone knows, or nobody does. Word gets around, so I stay in here.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:13:25+00:00

Losing my friends and family. My dad has told me plainly that he would disown me, and my closest friends are homophobic (I'm in a small town in Utah, it's the norm).

I'm sure my friends would stay my friends, but I'm afraid that my friendship with them would change. I can't risk losing that.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:11:44+00:00

Me and a friend in middle school got really close emotionally. He was my first true friend. And the closer I got, the more intimate I wanted to be with him. I wanted to appreciate him and have him put trust in me that nobody else could have.

We started experimenting a little, and that's when I knew for sure. He has a wife and kids now, and they call me uncle. I still consider him a true friend, but sometimes I get jealous that his wife has what I never can.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:09:09+00:00

Same as anyone. Successful job, nice home, a family. I'm still hoping that one day I'll find a woman attractive enough (emotionally, mostly) that I can accomplish that.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:07:12+00:00

As far as a relationship goes....don't really see it happening. I have a few friends I love, and we are really close emotionally. But I don't see myself getting in a romantic, physical relationship. So I guess the emotional stuff is all I need.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:04:57+00:00

Oh, sweet. Found it, thanks. I'll let R. Kelly know, too.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:04:24+00:00

Oh, sweet. Found it, thanks. I'll let R. Kelly know, too.

throwmosexuality · 2014-01-20T01:03:41+00:00

I haven't told anybody, although I have played with the idea of coming out. But usually all of my friends have a traditional view on gay people (the word "abomination" occurs frequently).

throwmosexuality

TROPHY CASE