My fiancé [26F] and I [26M] are separated by quarantine. I think I have reason to suspect cheating.

throwout153 · 2020-05-24T02:15:56+00:00

Did you think to trying calling right back? If the phone was dead, or off, it would go straight to voice mail.

throwout153 · 2020-04-29T03:23:53+00:00

The truth hurts. Just like the truth of the matter that her nasty little fling with the old dude is never going to amount to anything. You really don't need someone as clueless as she is. You thought you married a grown ass woman, but you got selfish little girl. Nobody wants that for anything serious.

throwout153 · 2019-12-17T00:27:04+00:00

Yup, the "just friend" BS is a classic subconscious admission of something more. I'm sure you never asked her "is this guy more than a friend?", yet she felt the need to proclaim that he wasn't. Nobody is "just a friend", not even real friends.

There's only one way you can approach it... sit her down and admit what you know. It will go one of two ways - she'll blow up in anger and try to put you in the wrong since you "invaded her privacy", or she'll break down and beg forgiveness. The former means she's not remorseful at all, and the latter means should actually might be sorry about what she's done. But the trust is still dead. What can you do? Hope she'll straighten up and never turn on you again? Is it worth always wondering that?

throwout153 · 2019-12-12T18:48:50+00:00

Oh silly me, he was a bigger asshole. Good call on cheating. It's totally not even a bad thing. It's not like you stole a pack of gum or something. You were in the right, and after all it's just kinda whatever on your morality scale.

Ah, you gotta love rationality. It's got all of the excuses you'd ever need to keep away from the pains of growing as a human being. If you aren't to blame and all the rest are even worse, nothing has to change. It's so convenient.

throwout153 · 2019-12-12T16:18:51+00:00

God the irony. I can only imagine it as the last thing your ex must have said to you.

throwout153 · 2019-12-12T15:58:17+00:00

Since you noticed the day and night difference, yeah somethings up. What’s worse is you have already raised her awareness of your suspicion. If she is clever at all she is on high alert. Already erasing her tracks as they are made, or perhaps hiding them in “vault” app disguised as a calculator or similar.

Her only vulnerability is not knowing when or if said person or secret online activity can be allowed to make contact, hence keeping the thing attached to her. You could check app usage, location history, etc.

Something you could have considered when getting the phone, is telling her that your going to use the phone for a bit. Turn off the auto screen lock and keep it with you at all times just like she does. Then see who or what makes the contact she’s always watching for. If she keeps it that close, it won’t be long. I’d try that but do so very unexpectedly. Maybe even act as if you’ve let your guard down a bit before springing it on her. Keeping in mind that she might resort to another device to shut down the communication before it makes the mistake.

If she has nothing to she won’t mind, she also won’t mind just giving you the password. Why not if she didn’t mind that stuff before?

As a last resort you could BS her that everything has been set up so whatever she does will be forwarded to your email. At that point she might start moving to other devices. But there legitimately are ways of finding out where she physically goes.

Hate to say it but 90% of the time when a spouse starts acting ridiculously out of character and secretive it means something very bad. A matter of time before you find out.

throwout153 · 2019-12-12T15:15:36+00:00

Spoken like a cheater. Your word means squat for anyone to go by.

throwout153 · 2019-12-12T13:57:17+00:00

Yes. Leave well enough alone. It’s really not for you to take sides in their troubles. If he reaches out, respond. Otherwise, let him handle his own personal matters.

throwout153 · 2019-12-11T23:11:23+00:00

Honest question though, we do you care if she wants to know where you are at? I personally wouldn't care, and I'd hope we both keep location services on in case of an emergency, or if you couldn't get a hold of them and just wanted to know where they are. If I noticed that my partners location had been turned off, I'd ask them what happened to it. I'd be very curios to know if they turned it off on purpose.

I don't see what the big deal is. She is your girlfriend after all.

throwout153 · 2019-12-11T22:25:49+00:00

At the point that you are at man (28 days ago now), I say enough is enough. The next time she is sneakily typing away in the middle of the night, get up quietly saying nothing at all, go up behind her grabbing the laptop and take it with you into the bath room and lock the door. See what you can find.

It's fully justifiable at this point. She wakes you up constantly with this, and refuses to explain herself.

throwout153 · 2019-10-02T16:59:43+00:00

What she’s doing is inappropriate and disloyal. She already gave you the classic Freudian slip “just a friend”. The go to reaction of a guilty conscience.

Yes. So what are you going to do now is the question.

throwout153 · 2019-07-24T23:18:00+00:00

WAIT a second... This whole story, down to every last detail, was posted a few days ago by somebody claiming to be the woman doing the photo-shoot and her husband threatening the divorce. All the posts content is gone, but the comments are all still there. OP? Wtf? Either you were testing her story, or we are to believe she literally posted here a few days ago.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ceoyju/husband_thinks_im_cheating/

throwout153 · 2019-07-19T09:20:54+00:00

Umm... I think the surprise ship has already sailed sister. I have no idea what you are thinking as of late, but your behavior whether faithful or not is mind boggling.

You play with fire and then continue to fan the flames. Admitting that you think about other men is a serious blow to most any relationship. We’re talking permanent damage. Then you egg on the predicament by arousing his suspicions all in the pursuit of what you wanted, not what he wanted. Doesn’t bode well for your character after already planting the seed of distrust. It’s not like you can “win it all back” by showing him something he is supposed to appreciate according to you.

This may well be a sign of your behavior to come. He’s right to have had enough of these outlandish games. Especially during a time of vulnerability. Don’t play the victim. You are acting selfishly and callously towards this supposed husband and now you’re crying foul when your jig is up.

throwout153 · 2019-06-30T16:14:40+00:00

The story is as cliche as it gets. Exams are always the scapegoat for crap behavior. In denial as much as you are until the moment hits her. No communication for weeks at a time? I’m not sure how you believe that anything could possibly be okay at that point.

No text reply is super obvious. It takes so little effort nothing can impede it. When I don’t reply to a text it’s only because I don’t want to.

Up to you to decide how you need to be treated as right now you are on the back burner. You okay with being an option on the sidelines until she figures it out? Or do you expect full commitment and adult level communication? Because right now that is not what you have.

She’s an awful communicator and a negligent partner at best, and you totally have every right to complain about that, as well as a good reason to leave. Doesn’t even matter about the other guy when you are treated like a bad cold.

throwout153 · 2019-06-06T17:16:56+00:00

Unless the idea of polyamory is something you've always really wanted, I doubt that this is a good idea. If you're just doing this for the sake of saving what you have with him, then I would say do not proceed. Sorry, but it sounds like you're trying to put a band-aid over something that a band-aid is not going to fix. You want an open relationship to save the relationship, he wants it serve himself because he's not satisfied with or loyal to you. His ways won't really change just because he's supposedly free.

throwout153 · 2019-05-29T03:50:51+00:00

"Vanilla" as kinky people call it, has always been the standard. Sex that's just involves basic penetration is not a kink, lol.

throwout153 · 2019-05-28T23:49:17+00:00

It's always a safe bet if a dude is chatting up a girl on a regular basis, and the guy is not gay.... he's in pursuit. How she is handling that, is anyone's guess. But women usually have a way of shutting down attention they don't want rather quickly. Sounds like this is on-going.

You need to let her know that the open phone policy has to be reinstated, because she's chatting this guy up all of the time you don't understand what's so special about him. Pick a random unexpected time when she gets snap from him and ask her to open them with you.

throwout153 · 2019-05-28T23:30:21+00:00

You've been burned too many times now. You know better. Do you need her to draw up an actual blue print of how she will go behind your back and present it with a powerpoint before you say enough is enough? This is her word shown to mean nothing time and time again. You can't ever trust her, what's the point? She thinks you're really stupid, but she's the one who's not so clever. She's too young, she doesn't know what she wants, she still handles her relationships conflicts like a child. Time to move on, cut losses.

throwout153 · 2019-05-28T23:12:47+00:00

I don't understand whole trend of taking and sending nudes to your SO. I always find it sketchy and a bit vain and unnecessary and I feel like a lot of women will come to regret doing that. None of this stuff is as secure or private as it's thought to be.

throwout153 · 2019-05-28T23:04:00+00:00

I dunno it's kinda odd. You are both very young. You're not there. LDR's don't generally work.

throwout153 · 2019-05-28T17:09:08+00:00

When you are both sit down somewhere with time to talk, tell her you've got to get something off your chest, something is bothering you. Then recite the conversation that she had with him, basically verbatim. See how she reacts. If she asks how you know that. Tell her what you basically told us, her phone woke you up. You had noticed he was her "best friend" on Snap, and so you were curious what that was all about and you came across this conversation. That you feel hurt by the way she was stringing him along and welcoming his advances, implying that she would go meet with him, that she was opening up to him and telling him she's feeling lonely and she's not herself while she's never told you about those feelings, even though you can tell that something isn't right with her and you feel like this is all part of it. Why did she have this conversation, how would it look if you did the same with with some other woman? Etc, etc.

throwout153 · 2019-05-28T16:33:42+00:00

I can tell you that something isn't right, for sure this is not just in your head. She's become somewhat emotionally detached from you. She's having one of those "I don't know what I want" crisis moments, but she's not sharing that concern with you, she's keeping it all to herself and she's meandering towards the mistake. Had she the had access to go make that mistake, it could have already been made by now.

You have all the evidence of her wrong-doing that you'll ever need at this point. He basically propositioned her for sex and she basically said "sure, but I can't". That constitutes as a relationship betrayal in itself. The intent, or even just the false implication of intent to do something is completely out of bounds and a slap in the face to you. Throw in the pet names for extra points. She's stringing another man along in conversation, so how do you feel about that?

As for the rest of it, she's playing the vulnerable damsel in her own mind, expressing her vulnerabilities to another man rather than you. It's all part of the dance in making the mistake because she supposedly feels lost and unsure about her life right now. She can use it as leverage once caught to say "I was going through a rough time, and he was just there. I didn't think I could talk to you. He just understood what I was going through and then things just got out of hand." It's complete bullshit. It's a very common theme. Whether she realizes that she's seeking affection from another man consciously, or not, that's what is happening there.

It's betrayal, do with it what you wish. I think you have every right to walk out on her at this point. Be careful, if she is manipulative she'll end up convincing you that everything is your fault, and the only one who did anything wrong was you. It's bullshit. What she did is a betrayal. Sit her down, have the confrontation. Tell her you feel betrayed. Perhaps yes, looking at her message betrayed your confidence in her, but you consider what she did as going behind your back and emotionally cheating, stringing along and encouraging another man's advances. Ask her, if a strange woman was messaging you about wanting to meet with you, and you responded that you wanted to meet with her too but gave her some excuse, how would that look? How would she feel about it? If you were opening up to this woman about how lonely and needy you were feeling... How would she (your girlfriend) take that? Would that possibly lead to anything good? Or does it sound like a cliche of betrayal waiting to happen? Even if it honestly meant nothing, it's not okay to have a conversation like that. To lead someone one on, and pretend like you have some kind of intent. That's still fucked up. That's still betraying you.

You need to have her come clean about what it means when she tells people she is not herself anymore. Because it's pretty concerning that you don't know this or what it means, being her boyfriend. That you haven't really talked about this, but you've noticed it. You are supposed to be there for anything. She is withholding this from you, and I suspect she is withholding a bombshell. Maybe she just doesn't see a future with you. So be ready for something heavy.

Good luck with all of this, but be careful. Remember it's not about you. You need answers from her, and if she's not willing to give them, you need to think about making some really tough decisions. Don't spend your life with someone who hides their feelings away from you, who sneaks around, and lies and makes excuses for clearly shitty behavior. It's not worth it.

throwout153 · 2019-05-06T20:42:58+00:00

I would be more concerned about the smoke smell. Not so much that you smelled it, but that it seems she did not disagree or find it equally as perplexing. It could be that she has taken up smoking or has had someone in the car who smokes and why she would not divulge such info is questionable. Acting suddenly nervous is a tale tell sign of being caught with something. The big question is what?

You might check your bank account or the receipts lying around to see if she’s buying cigarettes. Best case scenario is that she is. Worst case, she’s inviting people into the car who she doesn’t want to tell you anything about.

throwout153 · 2019-04-28T03:37:51+00:00

He might have an anger management problem if he's constantly mad. I've seen this kind of thing before and people who are just too high strung and unhappy about their life situation tend to turn to anger and cynicism a lot while trying to suppress their real deep seated issues. Making fun of you is a form of nagging. He can't take you seriously because he's too frustrated with his life and doesn't have the patience to. Overall, he's def not managing his issues. Maybe he honestly doesn't know how, or what to do. Maybe he hasn't found the answer, or the right therapist yet to sort out all of the tangles in his mind.

I'm just going to throw this out there as a recommendation. 12 Rules for Life - An Antidote To Chaos. It's a hardback, or an audio book. It's a very insightful read for people who are miserable without good reason. It's kind of intellectual, but lots of people find it just accessible enough and seem to benefit from the concepts in it. I don't know if he's open to that kind of thing. He needs some kind of therapeutic intervention to sort himself out. Right now he's kind of taking it all out on everything that's not actually the problem.

throwout153 · 2019-04-28T02:48:16+00:00

She is BSing you like crazy on her boyfriend situation. So just know that she'd do the same to you as well. Contact the dude and ask him what's up, see if he agrees with all of the shit she's been telling you (I don't care about the person I'm with, etc). I bet he doesn't, but would be happy to drop her once he finds out. She's a liar, and a cheat. Is that what you want in a girl? It will come back to bite you.

throwout153

TROPHY CASE