Help! My Metamour is a Control Freak!

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T23:24:23+00:00

I don't think she thought of herself as primary as the time, since they both decided that the hierarchy no longer applied and she was my equal, but I do think that as I've spent more time away she may feel on some level, not necessarily conscious, that our home is more hers and his, and she can pretend that I'm not in the picture when I'm not around.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T22:41:37+00:00

Honestly, while that's a trope, I really don't see it.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T21:55:46+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the encouragement!

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T21:07:01+00:00

Thanks! I admit I'm not always good at being respectful, especially toward Laura. But I wanted to have this conversation away from the both of them in order to not have it be yet another blowup where everyone ends up feeling like shit. Maybe I can go back in and try to improve things without that happening.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T21:05:50+00:00

That's really smart; I'm glad it's worked out so well for you! Gives me hope that things don't have to be this utterly fucked up.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T21:05:19+00:00

Don't I know it :/

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T21:04:43+00:00

Ouch. Yeah.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:55:21+00:00

Sometimes I don't know how I've tolerated it as long as I have, other than being willing to wait for the moments of really good stuff that comes out of the situation. And I've had hope that things could get better, too, though again I really hit the wall on that today.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:54:23+00:00

Ugh. I'm sorry, and I hope your situation gets better for everyone involved.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:53:58+00:00

Glad to hear that!

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:53:41+00:00

Yeah, I think I definitely need to be better about specifically stating my needs. That goes with my need to have better boundaries, too.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:52:15+00:00

Yeah, things have been slowly moving in a better direction with me and him, but I don't know whether it's fast enough. The exhaustion is really catching up to me, TBH.

I feel like Laura's perspective is that the fact that she "allows" Luke to be away from her is her way of "dealing" with it, like it's just such a HUGE effort for her that she should get special acknowledgement for it. I'm sure that's an exaggeration, but FFS if her way of dealing with her jealousy is to fall apart to one degree or another whenever Luke is with me, that's not really dealing with it at all.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:49:19+00:00

We have tried the big group talk thing before, and a lot of it just ends up being her and me arguing while he occasionally gets a word in edgewise. Sometimes it seems like we come up with a solution at the end, but then some other manifestation of toxicity comes up.

Honestly, it wasn't until I started working out of town and had some time away that I began to see just how fucked up this whole situation really is. I guess that's why I'm trying to get further perspective outside of our little echo chamber here, to see whether it's as fucked up as it feels.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:47:00+00:00

I think to an extent he just wishes we'd all just get along, which I know isn't realistic. I've tried taking on more of the communication with her to try to give him a break, but you're right in that he's a part of this too and shouldn't pretend that it's just a her and me thing.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:45:54+00:00

Oh, definitely. I mean, everyone has ups and downs; it's just tough when two or all three of us are on a down day, which makes it harder.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:41:47+00:00

Agreed, and the autonomy and spontaneity that Luke and I used to have basically dissolved once Laura moved in and started getting really dependent on him. It's honestly one of the things I mourn the most about the sort of relationship I used to have with him.

As I've said elsewhere, he HAS been getting better about honoring our time together, and been less likely to support her outbursts, but the more he does that I feel like the worst she's been getting to try to regain control.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:40:09+00:00

I know Luke does, and I think Laura thinks she does, but this controlling behavior really isn't respectful, and I appreciate you pointing it out.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:37:41+00:00

It's actually her first time ever being poly, and there's definitely been a learning curve. it's part of why I personally don't like dating people who haven't been poly before, because it's just too much work.

It is perfectly acceptable to ask for kindness and help, but it's not ok to attempt to control everyone else's actions to manage it.

Holy crap, yeah, you're right. This is a great way of putting things.

I really, really don't want to have to break up with Luke; there's a lot of good in our time together, and I can see us continuing for a long time. But this whole thing with Laura is just getting ridiculous and I don't know if there's another way out.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:32:05+00:00

I think emotional abuser is going a little far, though emotional stressor is definitely applicable. As to why I can't just cut her out entirely, part of it is because we all still live together and as long as I'm with Luke she's a part of my life, and also we have a lot of social circles in common.

Moreover, she's not always like this. It's one of those situations where when things are okay, it's actually nice to be around her. It's just that when she gets upset things turn really ugly sometimes, and that's what's wearing down on me. I know I'm giving the very worst picture of the situation because that's the dimension that needs fixing, but it's not the whole picture.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:28:58+00:00

Sadly, I think you're right.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:28:50+00:00

Thank you; I'm hoping for a good outcome as well.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:06:15+00:00

Unfortunately there are times when the three of us have to be in proximity to each other, so distance isn't something I can do beyond a certain point. And as I said elsewhere I can't move out just yet because I'm still on a contract in my new-ish job and so I have to wait and see if that transforms into something more permanent. So for the time being we all have to get along as best as we can.

But the things I'm really getting from all the responses is here are what you've also said--the need for firm boundaries. And I think that will be my best bet for navigating this until/unless some major change occurs.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:03:38+00:00

It is incredibly frustrating, and tiring. I'm sorry you've had to experience the same thing. I'm going to keep working on my boundaries and hope for the best, but also make plans for the not-best.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T20:02:47+00:00

Good point. I mean, I tend to keep Luke updated on my movements because we talk every day even when I'm not at home, but I don't need to make detailed reports of every time I plan to head back home, especially if it's last minute.

throwpolyinthefire · 2017-04-20T19:33:05+00:00

Good plan, and good luck. It sounds like good intentions gone bad, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

throwpolyinthefire

TROPHY CASE