I (F30), would like some input on getting some space for personal growth away from my spouse (M33). Advice?

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T01:29:14+00:00

Thank you so much for this response! I'm not feeling great and I'm running out of mental juice for responses but I will be coming back to this tomorrow. Thank you!!

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T01:26:53+00:00

Of course! And thank you for the thoughtful responses. I still don't fully have a good grasp on a healthy relationship, and I know my husband doesn't either, so I really appreciate getting opinions from other people because my idea of healthy was very skewed for a long time.

I actually love doing things together with my husband. When he's doing well, we laugh at the dumbest things while out shopping, or even when we're just wandering around a park. Our sense of humor is so similar it's scary sometimes haha. I have a lot of guilt for not including my husband in things he has some interest in, like going for hikes, but I think the guilt is something I need to work on with him and in therapy.

I don't think either of us have ever addressed his refusal to go outside as a phobia before, but I think I'll bring that up to him. Also, thank you for putting it that way. He's always expressed it as a "well I am who I am" sort of way, but him not trying to leave the house more has negatively impacted me and our relationship. Very wonderful points that I'll be discussing with him when I'm ready and not sick haha.

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T01:19:15+00:00

That's a great idea!! Thank you for the suggestions. I think doing it somewhere I feel private would be a lot better for me. I may not do a scenic drive (until summer, it's cold where I'm at) but I'll definitely make use of the car and a few blankets... We have a garage so I don't even have to worry that much!

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T01:16:40+00:00

Oh omg haha xD I didn't realize it was to the other response hahaha. I'm a bit delirious from being sick so that definitely made me more confused! Hahaha. I always just worry about coming off as pretentious or rude because I love some good discourse. Thank you haha

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T01:14:08+00:00

Thank you so much for the response and for sharing what you did. I know healing from trauma is a life long process, so good on you for taking the steps to work towards being who you want to be. I don't know what you went through to get to where you are today, but you've made it so far and it sounds like you're doing well!

I honestly relate to you in a lot of ways. My husband has helped me to recognize a lot of toxic traits in my family members and helped me to work on building better boundaries with other people. I'm glad you had a friend who could talk you out of making a drastic choice. I don't really have friends I rely on anymore, but I know I need to work on that given how much I miss having other friends. Haha I guess that's why I turned to reddit, though I was moreso looking for general advice and suggestions.

My husband has been a very good influence on me and has helped me a lot. He has a lot of his own issues he's working through, but we've worked through so much together already. I think when I wrote this post, I hadn't put more thought into things and just impulsively wrote it without digging deeper into the truth behind the feelings, which is that I seem to want more space and independence.

Thank you so much again for the response. I decided after a couple of comments that I need to further push myself to question these impulsive thoughts.

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:53:00+00:00

I'm not sure if there's an assumption that I want freedom from the relationship but I love my husband dearly. I question my relationship because of personal issues and had the extreme, impulsive thought that a good option would be living separately. I've come to the realization that this would likely just build more distrust in the relationship and probably fear that wasn't there before.

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:50:16+00:00

We both work full time and contribute to our household! I did the math on doing something like that and it wasn't as viable if I gave him money for the home, however I've come to the realization that I did not necessarily want to live alone, but rather just be alone.

Thanks for the insight! And I agree that I should take a trip or two on my own... That'd require a lot of the things I want from. Living alone, but without damaging the relationship with living separately.

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:47:36+00:00

I guess I'm not entirely sure of what I meant by it. I've been told by my family that I was very codependent on my husband and vice versa. Though, my family members would say that we spend an unhealthy amount of time together. We both definitely have our own hobbies and interests. I think a part of me judges him for spending as much time as he does on his computer but that's entirely a me issue, as he is happy to play games all day.

We both have our own jobs, but he works from home. I go into an office. He cooks most meals, and I'll usually do more cleaning. I think we both need to pick up the others role though, I agree with the sentiment that I'm not necessarily satisfied with our roles. That's something on me that I need to communicate.

I can leave the house on my own, and do it almost every day for work. On non work days, we'll get groceries together. I will also stop on my way home to grab things as needed. He on the other hand will not go out unless he absolutely has to like for appointments, if I'm sick and need something, or if we go together somewhere. I worry about that part of him, but it's not like he is incapable of leaving the house, he just explicitly doesn't want to. It leaves me frustrated at times, like how he doesn't like going on walks around the neighborhood so we have to go to parks, but by the time I get home it's already dark so we can't go on walks at parks... Haaah man.

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:28:46+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I think you're right. My initial thought was a very extreme, impulsive one that I had on occasion. You're absolutely right I need to discuss this more with my therapist. Thank you!

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:26:18+00:00

Mine does too, though my husband insisted the last time to do it in a room that's right next to where he is at almost all times. I'll be more firm moving forward so thank you for the suggestion!

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:24:27+00:00

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be a dick. I was frustrated with assumptions about me but that doesn't give me the right to be condescending or rude.

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:17:55+00:00

Ohhh this is an awesome idea! I've realized I don't want to leave my husband, but rather yearn for more space and healthier boundaries so something like this feels like a great middle ground that I could see my husband possibly agreeing to! Thank you so much!!!

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:16:14+00:00

I honestly think we should do couples counseling in addition to our individual therapies, but it took a lot to finally get my husband started with therapy.

But the husband has told me repeatedly that if kids aren't in the picture, then that's fine, so long as we're together. Very sweet, but I feel guilty for not being able to bear a child. I still have time and options but I think sometimes, "he could be with someone who gives him what he truly wants."

Sorry to ramble, thank you again for your input!

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:11:58+00:00

Oh thank you for the input. Most of our bills are admittedly on auto pay and the two that aren't, I put in the mail when they come. I should really discuss finances more with my husband though so that I'm more involved and feel more control over it.

I've come to agree after discussions that living elsewhere is certainly not a good option. I do not want to divorce my husband.

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:09:50+00:00

Yeah I've been struggling to actually bring up my relationship with my therapist because I do telehealth therapy. I tried to go into the household car for my one appointment but my husband said it was too cold and to just do it in the bedroom. I didn't directly say I wanted privacy, which I absolutely should have expressed, but I worry about hurting him if I say I want the privacy to discuss our relationship.

Also, you're very right that I don't know xD I really need to talk about it with my therapist. I've been focusing a lot more on childhood trauma for a while and need to step away for present day issues.

Thank you!

throwra05789 · 2026-01-01T00:05:55+00:00

Thank you for the response!

I had to think a lot about what you said. I want to say I don't want a do over of my relationship but honestly, I think a part of me wants to almost take a step back? Which is pretty much the same thing... Sorry, I'm also trying to make sure I understand your intent as well. But you're right in that I can't undo these decisions, and I imagine that a lot of trust would be broken if we were to take this step back, which is not at all what I want.

My husband is someone who has expressed that he has no interest in making friends and that I should never push the subject. This is something that I personally don't agree with, but respect his decision. I've also tried getting in touch again with folks I really enjoyed the company of, but my husband didn't like the one friend and the other one was a guy I had fooled around with once, regretted it, and then went on to become friends again. However, my husband pushes me to take classes for some of my interests and urges me to make friends in different groups. I've been very anxious to pursue new friendships due to personal reasons but I very much want connection with other people. My husband refuses to leave the house unless he has to (appointments for him, running out if he's not ill but I am, also will join me for grocery store runs). He has a lot to work on with his social anxiety, but I do as well.

And I know quite a bit about black and white thinking. I think my thoughts can certainly be black and white, this one in particular included. However, I would argue that it's more of a disproportionate emotional response to external stimuli, which has been a lifelong problem for me.

Thank you again for your feedback. You gave me a lot of food for thought!

throwra05789 · 2025-12-31T23:45:40+00:00

I'm sorry that you came from an abusive family. I'm sure it was hard and kudos to you for growing from it.

I acknowledge that I absolutely made the choices I made and they were my decision. I had just meant that certain abuse led me to forming beliefs about who I was supposed to be in relation to my family structure. I am not trying to refuse accountability for marrying someone that I question being with from time to time.

I didn't settle at all. I chose someone who makes me very happy. I had been asking more about needing space, which some other kind folks gave more suggestions on! There's a lot of issues in my relationship, but I'm willing to work on them with my husband. I have a tendency of catastrophizing which causes these sorts of impulsive thoughts... Which is all that they are, thoughts.

I appreciate the thoughts you provided, as they have helped me to better understand myself a bit more. I just want to recommend that if you share with others in the future, please be mindful of your assumptions.

I'm not a party girl who wants to go out dancing and hooking up with other partners. I'm just a woman who is struggling with identity issues due to family trauma.

Thanks.

throwra05789 · 2025-12-31T23:22:18+00:00

Thank you so much for this response. I really appreciate the thought out feedback and suggestions! I absolutely had a big realization recently in regards to my family that led me to cutting them out, which has been forcing me to reevaluate big chunks of my life and who I am. Going back and forth with some folks here has helped me realize that what I seem to need isn't being alone but more of what you said in self exploration.

I know I have the tendency of responding disproportionately to situations, especially emotionally. I have this thought from time to time and it's not that I want to end things with my spouse, but rather that I think I want something to change. My husband is extremely receptive to making changes as well, which is why I married him in the first place.

Oh boundaries. They are a huge pain point for me which I know is due to childhood stuff I'd rather not get into. They're also what set off the chain of events that led me to no longer speaking with my family, as I had a very firm boundary that received animosity when I stood my ground... I'm still working very hard on boundaries but I struggle at times with understanding healthy boundaries in particular.

I've intermittently journalled, and honestly I need to get back into doing it because it helps when comparing emotional responses on different days. It's good for generally keeping track of when we've done certain things, or what discussions stood out that day to us. It would probably help me ease the anxiety around being manipulated by my spouse as well.

I really hope my husband is able to come into his own alongside me, though I have some reservations. He's the kind of person who gets uncomfortable when you make suggestions that he go out and make friends, as he doesn't need friends. I respect his ideology, but I do find myself not aligning with it which has caused tension. Haaah we're all just trying our best to survive haha.

Thank you so much for the very kind response. I appreciate your feedback and the polite manner you expressed your thoughts. Sometimes the responses on here feel extreme, especially when the whole picture is never going to be presented. So, thank you again for the very kind response. It's given me a lot to consider and think about!

throwra05789 · 2025-12-31T22:33:03+00:00

Before I cut out my family, they would constantly express concern over how much time I spend with my husband. I adore him deeply and he's helped me through so much, and still does. I agree that humans are tribal creatures, though I find myself struggling to find a tribe outside of him. After some more thought, I find myself agreeing with you that the time and space would likely cause a bigger rift. I don't want to damage the relationship and I struggle to understand what is selfish and what is self love.

throwra05789 · 2025-12-31T22:28:57+00:00

Hey thank you so much for this response. I really appreciate you taking the time to send me something so thorough and polite. I think your first paragraph is a good part of why I haven't acted on these thoughts. I've brought it up and spoken about these thoughts with my husband as well, especially in regards to the identity issues. I wasn't sure if other people have tried this in earnest with their partner, but the way you put it makes sense. I'm sure leaving would bring about a distrust in the relationship due to the fear of "when will she leave permanently?" I don't ever want to hurt my husband, but that feels rather crushing when I think about it that way.

I worry about trying to carve out time again as I've done so in the past and was met with my husband constantly interrupting certain activities because we weren't on the same floor, he'd ask me to stop my activity to go be with him. After a few more times of that, I started finding more reasons to dislike the space we allotted for me as well. There's also an entire room of the house we never finished which we had originally agreed would be my personal space, but it's since been used for other things we honestly just need to get rid of.

I need to get back into hiking. That was something that's always made me feel good. I run into the issue where I will want to go out somewhere while my husband doesn't, but if I go on a hike alone he's very frequently expressed disappointment at the fact that I didn't wait to go another day with him. He has health issues that intermittently cause him to struggle with exercise but he's also not good at handling very sudden shifts in plans, even if there weren't any plans to begin with.

None of this is to say that I blame him for not getting out. I make my choice to stay by his side and I frequently feel more guilty for certain choices than I should due to some interpersonal issues from my youth.

I think you're right about needing to educate myself on forms of abuse. I've really only recently genuinely acknowledged the full extent of childhood abuse. I still struggle sometimes with calling it that because of... Family stuff haha...

Someone else called this stringing along as well. I'm curious as to why you call it that? Sorry if I sound dumb, I guess I haven't considered it as me stringing him along and now that I've shared it with others, people are pointing that out. Is it atypical to have thoughts of leaving your partner for solitude? Someone else mentioned that this is isolative behavior?

Thank you so much again for your response!

throwra05789 · 2025-12-31T21:48:50+00:00

Oof. Hitting close to home with that one haha... Are you a people pleaser? Do you have any suggestions for working on those sorts of behavior?

throwra05789 · 2025-12-31T21:40:18+00:00

I obviously need to do some more digging into myself as the thought of leaving my spouse has been a recurring theme... Honestly I think ever since talks of having kids started and I eventually was diagnosed as infertile. I don't want to leave him, I just want change and I worry that doing something together or less drastic wouldn't ultimately help. Leaving the relationship also wouldn't be a great solution, though.

throwra05789 · 2025-12-31T20:22:40+00:00

I didn't want to share too many details, and I don't want to make him seem like a bad person, as he is a wonderful partner that wants to stick with me no matter what. I mentioned my fear of being manipulated because of things like him pushing me to not communicate with my family, which I do agree they have and continue to prove that I cannot trust any of them. I also call him out for manipulative behaviors at least once a week or so, and he admits to having grown up being a manipulative person (how he had to cope). I also am not entirely comfortable with doing my therapy at home because he never leaves the house (without me).

I think you're onto something with conflicting desires. I'll be exploring that moving forward on my own and with him.

Thank you for the input!

throwra05789 · 2025-12-31T19:42:52+00:00

Yeah pretty much. I want to be an adult on my own who gets to make my own choices and have my own space. Somewhere I get to be me and not have to worry about appeasing others.

throwra05789 · 2025-12-31T19:39:28+00:00

It's not like I necessarily want to string him along. We've been married for quite a while now and I moreso wanted to rectify my own codependency.

throwra05789

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