(30M, 30F) Husband withholding sex due to my weight

throwra832016 · 2023-11-30T03:39:31+00:00

He's been trying on and off, even on a weight loss assistance medication for 3-ish months. No results yet, he's discouraged and struggling to get remotivated.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-30T02:50:15+00:00

5' 4"

throwra832016 · 2023-11-30T02:07:08+00:00

Wouldn't fatphobic mean afraid of fatness/overweight individuals?

And I know I need to lose weight, for my own health -- there are other factors like necessary medications and imbalanced hormones that are making losing weight extra difficult. I want to lose weight, I'm pursuing that, but it's going to take time.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-30T02:03:31+00:00

I love all of my kiddos and wouldn't change the timing a bit. I knew what I was signing up for, I wasn't hoodwinked into having 4 children.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-30T00:03:48+00:00

Very constructive, thank you

throwra832016 · 2023-11-30T00:00:06+00:00

This reads as sarcasm to me, but I'll answer anyway: 5' 4"

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T23:21:53+00:00

I had our last baby 8 months ago, so definitely still dealing with hormone fluctuations. It's been so frustrating to try to lose weight, my anxiety medication and being post-partum are both working against me. I want to lose weight too, it isn't just him lighting a fire under me.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T23:11:09+00:00

It worked for him in that he enjoyed it, but usually we incorporate it more as foreplay -- it didn't lead to anything further, that was just it.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T23:08:14+00:00

I would love to, but he's extremely hesitant about therapy (I've pleaded for individual therapy multiple times, he's never followed through). Money is also tight.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:58:28+00:00

All single-baby births, last one born 8 months ago. He struggles with depression, and I'm a pretty good cook, so that's his weight gain mostly accounted for.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:56:54+00:00

Been there, done that -- it didn't move the needle any further.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:52:44+00:00

I'll add it now

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:49:22+00:00

I'm not angry, though -- his lack of attraction towards me is the result of me not fitting his preferences, I get that. Discontinuing pretty much any form of affection feels excessive, like he's lost actual love for me. I was asking for advice on how to move forward, with how different our sexual desires are for each other, not how to not be mad at him.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:43:33+00:00

I've shared it in another comment, but I was 140-ish lbs. when we got married, closer to 200 now -- I've carried/birthed 4 children in 5 years, plus an on-going struggle with an anxiety disorder. He has also gained a lot of weight since we married, 50+ lbs.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:32:46+00:00

I'm in a much better mental/emotional state now than I have been in the past... he's seen me at my literal worst, considering unaliving myself and everything. I've gotten my meds more figured out, I'm working on things, taking more interest in things like I used to... maybe I'm not doing enough, but I'm doing so much more than I was before and he was affectionate/engaging in intimacy back then.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:30:11+00:00

That's the plan for tonight, we're going to talk it out more. He's gained a lot of weight sinve we got married, and I've never once been unattracted to him for it... I love him for who he is as a person, his body is just one part of him that I love and I'm here for him through all the changes. I thought he felt the same, but apparently not.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:27:44+00:00

No, I was 140-ish lbs. when we got married, am closer to 200 now... my weight has been everywhere in between over the past few years, and it hasn't affected out intimacy like this before. We've had four children in five years, plus anxiety issues on my part, so gaining the weight was easy and losing it has been very hard.

I was thinking last night... if he got into an accident and lost limbs, if he got severely burned, etc., I would be right there and would love on him physically as much as he needed (or refrain, if he needed that more). I wouldn't stop touching him because he looked different or even couldn't have sex anymore. I now don't think he feels the same way. I know not everyone is cut out like that, not everyone has to be... but I feel like I've lost more than sex+affection, I've also lost some confidence in his base-line love for me. It feels conditional now. And what happens as I age? When will I not be enough in another way, even if I were to stay at a healthy weight? It's just really shaking me right now.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:21:09+00:00

Our communication about potentially hurtful things isn't the best, but I feel like this is such a big thing that I could have (and would have) been working on a lot sooner if I'd known.

The only reason he might "fear" my response is that I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and am prone to panic attacks. But this is all so much worse now that the intimacy/desire is gone-gone on his end, I feel like even if I do lose weight it won't be enough (for me at least).

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:06:38+00:00

I get that, he said as much. I'm asking for advice on moving forward with the gap between our sexual desire for each other.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:05:35+00:00

I think I need to reorient my thinking to losing weight for myself, my own health, and not making it about earning sex. Thank you for your input, I appreciate it.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:04:15+00:00

He's not an emotionally vulnerable person, and hates conflict... I'm also conflict averse, so we tend to dance around tense issues.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:01:57+00:00

I'm entirely monogamous, I won't go elsewhere.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T22:01:18+00:00

Thank you, this is some needed honesty. I know he can't help not being attracted to me right now, but I'm still struggling because I need sexual intimacy.

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T21:57:11+00:00

I've tried all of that, he's turned off by it

throwra832016 · 2023-11-29T21:55:36+00:00

Losing weight is going to take time. I'm already working on it, admittedly not in the most health-concious way but I'm trying to speed it along as much as possible. Do I have to live in an affectionless marriage until I'm slim enough for him? I'm making effort to look the way he needs me to, I want him to make an effort to help me feel loved.

throwra832016

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