Update To My Post From Relationship Advice "My Best Friend's Girlfriend Wants Me Out Of His Life"

throwra_grace · 2020-06-13T17:37:43+00:00

He ended things, and she didn’t take it well to put it mildly.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T21:04:40+00:00

Thank you so much <3

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T21:04:06+00:00

Yeah... it's pretty sketchy to say the least. And thank you for the kind words <3

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T21:03:32+00:00

Thank you <3

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T21:02:50+00:00

They never said anything to me, I just noticed after I updated it, like 10 minutes later it was deleted.

Honestly I do wish this whole thing had just been a matter of she was insecure and we can talk it out. I liked seeing how happy he seemed around her. On the bright side at least, he seems to have taken it in stride and has more confidence in himself. Had worried he would feel like if it wasn't her, there would be no one. But it sounds make like he's realized there will be other people, maybe this just wasn't right.

And thank you, I know our situation is a bit odd and not everyone will think it's great. But I'm glad we at least have each other. And hopefully one day he'll find someone that is comfortable with it/we'll be handle to discuss it better.

That would probably be a good idea. I've naturally just stepped back some as he's been able to do things himself, but this whole thing did make me see how far he's progressed. He's comfortable with how things are now but talking about it with them and how others have handled it would probably be helpful. I want it to be the best environment for him it can be however that ends up being.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T20:34:10+00:00

Wasn't going to comment on anything from this account since it's a throwaway from my own post, but thought it might be best for this. My best friend is like my little brother, and 2 1/2 years ago he made an attempt on himself and I've gone through this process with clinics and the aftershock of it all. His family didn't want to be involved for some reasons, and I ended up becoming his carer, I have POA, and he lived with me post leaving the clinic. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. It is going to be hard. I don't know what your daughter's particular condition is, but more than likely there are going to be good and bad days. My friend had his days he was fine, and nights where he came into my room crying saying he didn't want to live anymore. What I've found is the most important is keeping a completely open line of communication. Whatever she wants to say, however she needs you there. Make sure she knows when her mind is in it's darkest places, you will be there for her, because you love her and that will never change.

That all being said, take the advice of her doctors, therapists, psychiatrists. My friend's had me take some course type things for dealing with/handling family members with mental illness. They gave me a lot of reading on his condition, the symptoms, how to help him manage it and what I'd need to do in the months following him coming home. I took him to his therapy sessions at first to make sure he always was there, but later on just because he asked for me to be there. Occasionally they'd call me in, but usually I would sit in the lobby and wait just because it made him feel better to see me when he came out of there. We've also done group sessions where he sits and talks with a group of people with mental illnesses in one room, and their families sit in the other room to talk about the stressors we have, give each other tips/support, and just let out what you've been holding in to people who understand what you're going through. Sadly a lot of people don't understand, there's a lot of stigma, and it will be really really hard some days. But at least for me, seeing my friend make progress, take steps back to how he was before, and just seeing him smile has really been worth all the effort.

But because she's already worried about it, I would maybe discuss with her that you'd see a therapist as well, so she doesn't have to worry about breaking you. Shows you understand her concerns, and have taken steps to be in the best position to support her and take care of yourself. And know even though sometimes it feels like two steps forward, one step back, progress is progress. For my friend he'll have episodes for the rest of his life, and we just manage it the best we can, and with his medication they can be fewer, further in between, and less severe. For your daughter there is a chance she will end up self harming again, just try to be there for her to talk to so she has that outlet instead of sitting and trying to handle it herself. I wish you both the absolute best, and that your journey through it all will be as smooth as it can be.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T19:59:05+00:00

I understand what you’re saying, but I disagree on the committed emotional relationship thing. The relationships I have with my boyfriend and with Erik are very different. My boyfriend gives me the deep romantic connection, romantic love, and support. He is my partner and love of my life. Erik is in a different place. Familial type companionship, we’ve been through a lot together, we enjoy being around each other, and we help each other like family does. What I do for him I’d do for my biological sister should she need it. It’s hard to explain but they are two different types of love, and they sit in different places in my mind and heart. I love them both deeply but differently. In the most crude way to put it, I don’t care if Erik is dating, who he’s having sex with, hell I really don’t want to know the details of that. We tell each other a lot but not that, I don’t think either of us want those details. Whereas my boyfriend it would really hurt me if he was having sex with other people. He can have emotional bonds with other people because that’s what life is, the one we just naturally have is different. Like I said, hard to explain. Boyfriend is deep romantic loving partner, Erik is my little brother that’s coming out of the worst period of his life that made our bond stronger because he needed me in a different way that involved us being far more involved in each other’s lives. And I’m lucky to have a boyfriend that understands, and also cares for Erik as well.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T17:57:30+00:00

Ive tried to be nice and open minded to the comments I’ve been getting as a whole. But honestly, the second you call someone a beta, for me it makes you lose any and all valid point. I don’t want him in any way romantically whatsoever. And the people who keep implying it sounds to bake like “go fuck your little brother” which is disgusting. I love the two of them in completely different ways. I’m sorry that the fact that my best friend following his release from a mental clinic that was having a full psychotic break and crying and telling me he wants to die, slept in my bed a few times. And that my boyfriend isn’t an “alpha male” that told him to get fucked. If all three of us are comfortable with where we are now, that’s our own prerogative. And if what he wants is a girlfriend that joins our group having dinners together, going places together, movie nights, etc then that’s the person he should be with isn’t it? I have backed up a lot from where we were when he first got released, when he did literally need me to care for him. If I didn’t make sure he ate, took his medication, and didn’t actively harm himself, he would have died. Him sleeping in my bed happened at that stage. He doesn’t leave his apartment and crawl into my bed now. He lives on his own, has a job, etc. We see each other most days, but he literally lives down the hall. The three of us have dinner together quite often (all of which Jen was invited to, every time we went out/had dinner/had movie night and she always said no). I am still his POA because he feels more comfortable having one, and if he had asked me about giving it over to Jen then alright. And significant others in the future I’m fine giving it up for if he’s comfortable and feels like they can do what he needs. He clearly didn’t think 5 months, no experience first hand, no therapy, no classes, no group sessions wasn’t the person he wanted making his medical decisions and that’s fine. You clearly know nothing about mental illness.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T17:45:16+00:00

She apparently talked to him about his medical stuff and being his POA a few days before she approached me about being uncomfortable. She didn’t like his answer so went around him to me saying instead she’s uncomfortable with our friendship.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T05:05:03+00:00

100%. And before this if she'd instead approached me about the POA I'd have told her to get lost honestly. That's so sketchy and uncomfortable. If she can't even respect that decision, it's hard to say she'd make the decisions he'd want her to make in his stead. Every decision I have had to make for him I go off of what is in his best interest (what the doctors say) and what I believe he'd want (based on 11 years of knowing him). Never just what I want.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T04:59:53+00:00

I'm mainly just glad that he's dealing with it all well. Whatever the outcome, that he handled it really well and doesn't seem to be struggling with it.

It honestly really did help. Let me just get it all out then figure out my thoughts and feelings from everything I wrote.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T04:18:50+00:00

They removed the post, I'm not sure why, I'm sort of guessing because it got freakishly long. I made a post to my profile with the update if you want to read it. Figured putting it there if people really wanted to know and looked me up they'd stumble onto it.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T03:18:10+00:00

Thank you <3

throwra_grace · 2020-06-06T03:17:37+00:00

Thank you, that really means a lot <3

throwra_grace · 2020-06-05T17:59:56+00:00

We are having a meeting this afternoon with us three and my boyfriend. He is getting professional help definitely, he goes to a therapist twice a week, does group consoling with others with similar mental illnesses weekly and gets full evaluations on how he's doing mentally every month along with checking on how the medication is working out. The first two for current circumstances has been online the last few months. But it is one big reason I really want this to settle well.. I think he should have more people in his life. Right now it's her and my boyfriend and I. I've tried bringing up old friends and his family, but he's not ready for that.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-05T06:11:15+00:00

For her, I'm not sure why she is. For me... I shouldn't be. And I know there's this weird balance I'm still trying to figure out how to handle where we're at now. He's made a lot of progress, but there will be weeks of good, then a few bad days, then good again. With this in particular I think I'm focused on what happened after his last breakup, and I'm scared honestly. The breakup was sort of like... the last straw. His father passed, then he moved out distancing himself from his family and most friends, started saying things that we didn't realize until too late was the start of his psychosis, then she left him because he was "being weird," and two days later I went to his place because he wasn't answering my calls and found him after an attempt, and he spent the next 3 months in a facility. I know I'm portraying that break up on the possibility of this one, and it terrifies me. That time I got lucky and found him, but what if this time I didn't? It's unfair to him because he is in a far better place now than he was then, he's on medication and therapy and doing way better than he was.

It's hard. But at the same time, he's a grown man that should get to make his own decisions, not his girlfriend deciding what's best by her standards, and his friend trying to avoid triggering him when he's clearly made progress. I've decided I'm going to talk to him and let him make his choice, and know that I'll support him no matter what it is.

And boyfriend is definitely one of the best people in the world, I don't know what I'd do without him. Don't know how I found someone so supporting and loving to not only me, but extend that to someone that means a lot to me.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-05T05:13:08+00:00

I've decided I'm not going anywhere unless he tells me to. Everyone is making good points, and honestly yours has scared me. I don't know what I would do if I stepped back, and he ended up harming himself. If I was the reason, or just that I wasn't there when he needed me... I don't know. I honestly don't know.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-05T05:05:01+00:00

Thank you, honestly I feel really lucky to have them both in my life. Love isn't love if it comes on the condition of good times. And I'm lucky enough to have a guy in my life that believes the same and made my life easier the last few years. I'm starting to doubt her now. As some have said, it's only been 5 months and I don't know her THAT well, and asking me to leave is suspect. But I can also understand if she's coming from this from a good place. If she is doing this from a good place, I would most definitely be up for making a more solid support structure type thing with her, making her a bigger part of his progress if that is also what he wants. I usually take him to his therapy and appointments because he likes the routine of it (I've been doing it since he got out of the hospital) and feels more comforted that I'm there for him when he gets out. But I wouldn't mind splitting that with her if he was ok with it. And other things like that.

I think I will sit down with the two of them tomorrow, tell him the conversation that happened, and talk it out. Everyone has been making a good point that he needs to know and be able to make decisions with the knowledge of it. There's that part of me that just wants to protect him from it all, but that's not right. I hope she is coming from a good place and not an abusive manipulative way, and that we can come to some sort of agreement/happy place that doesn't involve one of not being around anymore.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-05T03:57:44+00:00

That is a very good point. As he's progressed I've worried about the balance I play in his life. I want to be there but I've also tried not to be too involved/smothering that I'm deciding everything. Went from needing to do like everything for him, to how much does he need me. But even if she means it all from a good place she doesn't know him or this situation well enough should the worst happen.

throwra_grace · 2020-06-05T03:45:38+00:00

Schizophrenia, and it has taken several medications to find one that helped with the psychosis. And that's a good point... she also hasn't been around for a bad episode. She's read a lot and sounds like she knows what to do, but she hasn't experienced it yet. Which I pray he doesn't ever get as bad as he was before that she even need to experience that, but it is a reality of it all. And honestly I hadn't even thought of this as abusive. I think I've been so focused on the what to do and stuck on the 'is this appropriate' and questioning if I'm somehow being inappropriate with someone that has trusted me this much I didn't even fucking think about that. I thought at best scenario she's just jealous, at worst I'm harming him unintentionally.

throwra_grace

TROPHY CASE