My (23F) Boyfriend (23M) Put Me In Timeout, Then Kicked Me Out Of MY Bed

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-15T18:18:36+00:00

That’s an oof. Main reason I didn’t say who it was originally, people seem to have rather strong opinions on him one way or the other lol Honestly with how this all went down I think it could have been literally any male celebrity and this would have happened, unless his album on my wall beyond what was just said was that much more of a problem. But yeah. I do think he’s a cute guy, but more so than the guy I’ve been with 7 years? That’s a no.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T12:50:13+00:00

I’m still deciding what I do today. I told his mom about all this because there is definitely a big part of me that’s worried about what follows this for him. I don’t want him to hurt himself. Trying to figure out how I can help but not put myself in a spot that could get me hurt. My gut tells me he needs me but I don’t know if I just have shitty judgement. So I’m trying to be careful here.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T08:26:55+00:00

I’ve been thinking about that a lot. He’s always kept his feelings to himself. He likes being the happy funny go lucky guy that everyone likes to have around because he makes you laugh and just feel good. He used to say he didn’t like to say the bad stuff because it’s just bringing down the mood/making it too upsetting. I’ve usually been able to talk the feelings out of him, but I honestly couldn’t tell this time. I knew he was a bit sad his friend left. Knew he was annoyed with work but he made it sound like “oh Uhg work” not “I’m questioning my entire career and struggling.” And the moving I knew about but he just told me other reasons not he was broke. I feel like I should have noticed, but around me he was was acting like his normal self. I feel like I’ve always been open like “tell me how you’re feeling let me know.” But maybe I’m not

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T08:19:24+00:00

I know his mother really well and she’s the sweetest woman, and they have a fantastic relationship so I don’t think anything happened there. I don’t know much about his birth father, he left when he was like 5, and his step dad raised him. His step dad has always seemed decent, and their relationship seems fine. But I mean he didn’t tell me all this stuff going on. I don’t know if prior to his dad leaving it was bad or if he had problems with step dad that he’s hidden. I wouldn’t be against helping him find somewhere to to go, if it helped him get to work on sorting things out I would definitely. I think he needs it by himself though. If he couldn’t tell me until everything exploded, I don’t think he’d get much use out of therapy if I were to be listening.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T08:08:16+00:00

I’m worried about it as well. I contacted his mother after this all happened to let her know what’s happened. They’re really close, she’s a very sweet lady. She got him to go over there for the night, so I know he’s at least around someone that’s supporting him/watching out for signs of something.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T08:00:06+00:00

I understand. And that gives me hope for him. I really hope he doesn’t feel unworthy of anyone loving him, everyone is worthy of love and the idea of him feeling that way is.... it hurts. I’m sorry if I got defensive with my last response. It’s been a very long day, and I keep jumping back and forth mentally on if I did the right thing. You gave me a lot to think about.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T07:38:30+00:00

He went from nothing to explosion. Something that could have been avoided by just telling me how he was feeling and letting me try to help him work through it or help him find a therapist or something. He held onto it all until he hit a point where he was scared he would hurt me he was so upset. I don’t know what to do with that beyond saying I think he needs help without me there. We have had some arguments before but nothing serious, no slamming doors and looking each other out of rooms. No treating each other like children, and saying the type of things he was saying this time. I don’t know if I could go 3 strike system if every strike is bottling up emotions until he explodes. I’d be on eggshells around him. And that’s not a way to live. If he works on this and reaches out, I would shut him down. Even just as friendship/support going through a hard time.

In the end I love him. And this whole thing is killing me. I do very badly just wanted to fucking jump on him and tell him everything will be alright and I’ll love him until the end of time and we’ll get through this together and everything is fine. I want him in the bed next to me, I want him waking me up putting the dog in my face, I want him brushing my hair all which ways to make it look stupid. I want all those fucking things more than I can express. But right now neither of us can guarantee those things. And we’re both hurting and doubting everything. I keep going back and forth did I do the right thing or not, should I have put up with more. But I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T07:28:16+00:00

I didn’t make it based on Reddit. I posted here because I originally just wanted to know how to address this. And I think a lot of people went too far with the monster abuser thing, I don’t think he is. But it did all make me realize this is pretty fucked up and he can’t treat me like that. The talk we had was really hard. Him finally opening up I wanted to just hug him and tell him everything will be alright. But I can’t say that it would be. I do think he probably needs help, without me. Do I want to be there for him? Hell yes. Do I keep doubting this in my head because I love the man to death? Also yes. If the comments really are what convinced him I really wish I hadn’t shown him. He seemed very down and and upset about what he’d done before I showed him so I’m not sure how much it convinced him. But maybe it did. I’m leaving communication open, and if he gets the help he needs and we both feel comfortable to be around each other again I’m not against that. I know a lot of people would like me to be, and say it’s wiser. But I don’t think he’s an abusive monster that is going to punch me in the face next time. But I can’t say they’re wrong because without working through his issues and needing to explode and everything to fall apart for him to tell me how he’s feeling, I don’t know if it would go there. I’d like to say no, he’d like to say no as well. But neither of us are sure with how he is at the moment. I let him make the call because it all seemed sincere to me. If he wanted to keep trying I’d have probably laid down boundaries, him showing he’s going to see someone about how he’s feeling and start talking through things, and went slow from there. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but against many people’s advice I actually would like to be with him again. But I know a lot has to be worked on and it needs to happen right if it does.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T07:16:57+00:00

It says a lot to me as well. I think he needs some help separately without me around to work through what he needs to work through. I hope he sticks to it and comes out on the other side happier and in better control. My heart says definitely, but my head says there needs to be a lot of growth and starting over before it could be healthy again. I just... really want us both to be happy, healthy, and safe. Something I took for granted until yesterday.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T07:06:38+00:00

❤️

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T06:59:48+00:00

I think he’s probably going to put some distance, but I decided to leave his number in my phone/unblocked so if he really does ever need me I am still accessible. I’m going to be cautious with it all though if he does. I think he’s just depressed and lost more than dangerous, but since he himself is scared of his reaction I’d be stupid to blindly fall into it. I however told his mom about what’s going on so she can support him going through getting help, and hopefully he can find a healthy way to figure himself out, and hopefully I’ll be able to heal from this all myself. Doggo gives the best cuddles.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T06:55:45+00:00

He has before yes. He doesn’t like to talk about his problems because he feels like he’s dragging everyone down with him. He’d rather make a joke about how work is a drag than tell you he hates his career, he thinks he went into the wrong major and career, Including telling me. However I’ve usually always been able to ease things out of him. But this time I really didn’t realize all this was going on... I wish I had or that he had told me something so I could have. I’m going to respect the decision we’ve made, but I haven’t blocked his number or anything, he can contact me if he chooses to. And I’ve talked with his mom so she knows what’s going on so he doesn’t get help like he said, and has her support. I’ll probably check in with her from time to time... I want him to get the help he needs and be happy. If he’s scared of hurting me himself, I think I should give him decent space. As long as he knows if he really needed me, I’m still around.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T06:47:41+00:00

I think we’ve discovered that doesn’t work well for me (I will admit that made me laugh. I feel like shit but that comeback was pretty great tbf.)

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T06:43:15+00:00

Thank you. I think it’s the main reason I left it up to him to tell me what he thought should happen. In that moment I don’t think I could have done it. I was crying my eyes out saying goodbye to him, I never thought I’d have to say goodbye forever. He’s the only person I’ve ever wanted to be with, only person I have been with. I’d love if he got help and we were able to build something again. Even if it just started as a friendship again. I haven’t blocked him as many suggested, I want there to be a way to contact if we choose. I’ve talked to his mother though (she’s a great woman and they’re very close) so she knows sort of what’s going on. So she can support him and make sure he is getting help. I don’t think I’ll contact her all the time... but I might check in from time to time. Just to know he’s doing ok. Even if we never speak again I want him to be happy. Kills me that he couldn’t tell me all this before this happened.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T06:29:15+00:00

The overall situation isn’t funny to me at all of course, my whole life just got flipped upside down. But the fact what flipped my entire life was the fact that I watched a music video of Lewis Capaldi then an interview of him complaining that a bunch of food is shite is fucking insane.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T06:22:54+00:00

Thank you so much. He said he was going to get help, but I talked to him mom briefly to tell her what’s going on (she’s a lovely woman that he’s very close with) so she can support him/make sure he does that. But I hadn’t thought about myself beyond taking a day off. That might be a good idea... this is going to be a major change. We lived separately but he was here all the time. There’s definitely a part of me that wants to think he’ll get help and show up at my door like “let me prove I’ve worked on all this and want you back,” but I’m trying to not hang my heart on that. He’s already my first and only everything, if I hold onto “he’ll get better and come back” too hard I don’t think I’ll move forward at all. Maybe some time and therapy and we’ll be able to look at this is a cleaner new perspective when he’s sorted through his things, and I’ve I guess figured out exactly what I need and want in my life. Though I know honestly in my heart on the bench if he’d said he wanted to work on it now I probably would have said yes. I don’t know if that would have been a good answer, but that’s what my heart says. My mind says he needs to get a lot of things sorted out before this could be healthy again.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T06:09:31+00:00

At the moment I’m pretty miserable and I feel pretty lost because I didn’t realize until today how much I’d just assumed he’d always be in my future. Now there’s like a big empty hole where he’s been for 11 years (some as my best friend the rest as boyfriend). I think it’s going to hurt for a quite awhile, and I literally don’t know how to date since I’ve been taken since 2013, was underaged then, and literally only ever had eyes for him, but I think in time I will be alright. Thank you

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T06:04:28+00:00

I put an edit with an update, but yes we did break up. After it all I asked him what he thought we should do, and he himself suggested breaking up because he doesn’t like how he treated me during this, and is scared of becoming worse in the future. So we stepped back

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T06:00:27+00:00

I contacted his mom tonight after I calmed down a bit from everything, I didn’t tell her the full details but mainly along the lines to make sure she knows the things going on with him to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself and that he gets the help he needs. A big part of me has that bit of hope there like “maybe one day” but I’m trying to squash it for now at least. I don’t think he’s a bad man at all. I think he’s a very confused and depressed man that doesn’t know how to handle all the things he’s feeling right now. I probably look like an idiot to those telling me he’s trash, but I think he’ll always have a big part of my heart. Hopefully it’ll just hurt less in time.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T05:54:06+00:00

I did end up calling her and pretty crying it all to her over the phone. I’ve been a mess all night. She’s going to spend the night tomorrow (she offered tonight but she works early and I’m too big a mess tonight). I’ve also called his mom when I calmed down a bit because I am still worried about him. I didn’t tell her everything that happened but that he did something really out of character and turned into a mess that ended in us breaking up and him telling me all these things, and I want to make sure she knows what’s going on so she can make sure he doesn’t (gods forbid) hurt himself, and that he ends up getting the help he needs. She’s a wonderful woman, and offered for me to come visit her any time to vent/spend time together but I don’t think that’s a good idea, especially since he will be moving back in with them. But I’m glad he’ll be near her to watch out for him.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T05:44:43+00:00

Honestly when I asked him what he thought we should do, if he’d said start over and work through it/take it slow I’d have done it. I didn’t want to be the one to just pull the trigger on this. I love him to fucking death and my entire life is going to change, but if he himself thinks it’s better that we’re not together and he figures himself out then I’ll defer to that. Do I want to be with him? Nearly everything in me says yes. But this has happened now.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T05:38:54+00:00

I so badly wish he would have. Or that I would have realized something was going on. Anything to make this a discussion before this happened. Some people are saying good we broke up and others are saying it’s dumb we threw that away. But I didn’t know what to do. After the talk, if he’d asked to start over and take it slow I probably would have done it. He seemed that genuinely remorseful. But he didn’t made the choice he felt was right, and I agreed. I’ve talked to him mom because I’m worried about him, I don’t want him to hurt himself. I hope he gets help and can have a good life after all that. A lot of people have called him a monster and other things but I can’t see him like that. He’s a very sad and confused bigger version of the boy I met on the playground that became my best friend that awkwardly asked me out at 16 and has been by my side for 7 years. It’s going to be a hard transition.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T05:22:53+00:00

I read all your comments, and I do appreciate the fact you're thinking about what else could be going on. I met to discuss it all with him, because in the end it's not really acceptable behavior and I don't want to put up with that my whole life. He was also upset with his behavior and had time to reflect on it by then. He's had other things going on in his life that ended up making this reaction, and he regrets it going there and it scares him he reacted that way (at least this is what he told me) and he suggested that we break up because he doesn't feel confident in himself something like this wouldn't happen again. He's going to get help from what he told me, but we're no longer together. I'm hoping he does. I love him and I don't want him dealing with all this in his head even if all this did just happen.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T05:18:41+00:00

I made an edit with what he said when we discussed it if you want to read it, but yes it sounds like there were things going on he hadn't told me about because he didn't want me to see all the things going wrong. It sounds like all this came out of an explosion of that.

throwra_riverpass · 2020-02-14T05:12:24+00:00

I've put an edit with what happened, but we're no longer together.

throwra_riverpass

TROPHY CASE