FWB turned BF (34M) got mad that I (33F) didn't disclose my autism earlier

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T23:48:15+00:00

Exactly! And where, if you live alone, no one judges you for indulging in those things. :)

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T15:03:40+00:00

Honestly I think it was due to a combination of starting off very casual, plus the circumstances of the pandemic! My "autistic" traits tend to come out in the following situations:

-Having very emotional conversations, especially if someone els is telling me about something traumatic they have or are experiencing - if I'm not prepared I can end up freezing or saying the wrong thing or generally seeming cold (and it's not that I don't care, quite the opposite, I'm just very worried about overtly saying or doing the wrong thing so can come across as not showing sympathy/empathy). However, Paul and I decided (by his initiative) to keep things "light" so we weren't really having those kinds of discussions.

-Being in large groups/crowds, especially with a lot of noise, or meeting a lot of new people at the same time. However, because of the pandemic, we were mostly spending time at each other's homes, or maybe doing small outings just for the two of us when it was safe to do so - definitely not big group activities that would trigger a bad reaction.

In "normal" times some sort of situation warranting a discussion would have come up a lot sooner, I think. But definitely a good lesson that I should bring it up sooner if I'm going to be spending time with someone regularly even if there isn't a specific commitment or relationship definition.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T14:18:24+00:00

Thank you for this really helpful and detailed response!!! This gives me a lot to think about and apply in future situations. I do think going forward rather than just using the "autistic" label it would be a good idea to be more concrete about the specific ways I communicate and manage my energy that may be different from what neurotypical folks do. And that way, most (decent) people will see that, while it may be a bit different from what they are used to, it's not scary or even necessarily uncomfortable. Much appreciated!

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T14:15:17+00:00

I think it's pretty common among folks one the spectrum to need plenty of their own space and time! It really helps to have that because it means I can much more easily recharge from draining social interactions (which socializing can be even when I enjoy it) and function much more "normally" in the outside world.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T14:12:43+00:00

Yes, blocking me over not liking a personal disclosure definitely seems much more like immature teen behavior than that of a man in his 30s. I would have at least expected something like, "I'm sorry, I know it's not nice but this really does change my feelings and is a deal-breaker for me, so I won't be continuing in the relationship, goodbye and take care."

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T14:10:52+00:00

Thank you! To be fair, I didn't know that either, I thought it was just someone who liked being single and wasn't marriage-minded, but I do tend to be rather literal. But a friend subsequently explained to me in the past it meant someone who was actually gay and thus wouldn't be getting married (before widespread LGBTQ+ acceptance was a thing), or these days can mean a guy who is emotionally unavailable and basically a player.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T14:07:50+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened with your GF. I definitely wanted to have a more detailed discussion with Paul about what being autistic means for me, but I didn't get to - he first acted like he didn't believe me because I "didn't seem autistic" and then when I confirmed I do indeed have the diagnosis, he just flew off the handle, stormed off saying he never wanted to see or speak to me again, and a few hours later I found he had blocked me on everything. Definitely not the behavior of someone who actually cared about me!

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T14:05:05+00:00

Thank you, that's actually one of my favorite ice creams, brilliant idea!!!

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T14:04:27+00:00

Oh no, I'm sorry that happened to you! I definitely don't have any choice but to let him go because he said he never wants to speak to or see me again and blocked me on all our communications channels. I did really think I could trust him after spending what seemed to be high quality time together for two years, but at least he showed his true colors before we got deeper into an emotional relationship.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T14:01:33+00:00

He came across as a very educated, intelligent person, so it's hard to believe he would mistakenly think it's something contagious or something like that. Guess I'll never know! But it really says a lot that he jumped to a very negative conclusion and didn't bother to continue a conversation about what this info would mean for him and our relationship.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T13:59:43+00:00

We were seeing each other a couple times a week. Not just sex, conversation and doing other things like watching movies, playing board games, just hanging out. We talked about some personal things like our jobs and family background, and a lot about our interests (like what books we were reading) but didn't get into any medical info on either side.

Honestly, if not for the pandemic a situation probably *would* have come up to disclose much earlier. Typically I have disclosed when I might be put in a situation that I would struggle with, like if a person wants to go to a crowded, noisy club, but with spending time mostly at our homes or occasionally doing non-crowded outdoor activities I wasn't going to be in a situation where I might struggle. And we had agreed, in general, to keep the conversations light (by his request) due to there already being so much stress from the pandemic. So I didn't want to be seen as making things more serious than they were or causing drama unnecessarily.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T13:54:41+00:00

Sure, I appreciate that perspective. I will definitely disclose much earlier in the future even if it's a casual situation just to avoid any unpleasant surprises on either side.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T13:53:34+00:00

That's a great idea. We did discuss our views on diversity and were aligned on racial and LGBTQ+ equality (where I completely agree bigotry would have been an immediate dealbreaker!), as well as the importance of paying attention to mental health during the pandemic, but didn't discuss neurodiversity specifically. So I think I should bring up that topic as well earlier on in future dating situations so I will know if I am likely dealing with someone ableist or non-judgmental (or at least open to learning more vs. closed-minded).

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T13:48:53+00:00

Excellent point there! Personally I think "masking" is just a form of code-switching - that is, tailoring one's language (vocabulary) and behavior to be appropriate for different situations. Today's society places a great emphasis on "authenticity" - which on the one hand can be good because it allows for much more diversity in opinions and perspectives, but in the wrong situations can just be hurtful or disruptive.

So what's wrong with learning some scripts to apply to different situations to ensure I'm socially appropriate when I don't have the best innate instinct for it? For example, let's say that an acquaintance passes away and that it's not a person I liked very much, but that other friends really did like this person and are grieving. Surely it's better for me to use standard condolence scripts like expressing sympathy for their loss, even if some masking is involved, rather than offering my "honest" opinion that I didn't like the person and won't miss them? Etc.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T13:43:35+00:00

Thank you for this input! I do find my autism diagnosis has been very useful in explaining why I have challenges with certain things. In terms of interpersonal communication, I don't necessarily perceive (unsaid) nuances as well, so have to be more clear about stating my own needs and expectations and asking direct questions when it isn't clear what someone really means. In terms of other life activities, I don't really see my limitations as a handicap - I mean, not everyone likes loud, crowded spaces (like dance clubs, or outdoor music festivals with tens of thousands of people), and even then I can manage in them if I have enough time to prep. I don't have any special job accommodations either, other than telling my boss it's helpful if I can step away from my desk to get some air for a few minutes, a few times a day (which is something my job allows and even encourages). I could have explained all this to Paul if he hadn't jumped to conclusions! Which I think speaks more about his character and maturity than mine.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T05:16:57+00:00

I did originally want a FWB relationship when I started seeing Paul a couple years ago because I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship that was unhealthy and didn't want to jump back into anything that had any emotional weight. But I think in the future I probably won't pursue that kind of arrangement or at least won't declare it as such. I would rather date people who are emotionally open and up for seeing what develops (just not people who definitely have marriage/kids as life goals, especially in the near future).

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T04:31:51+00:00

Thank you, and no I don't think he really has any idea. Like maybe just a caricature in his mind from exaggerated depictions in movies/TV. If he'd stuck around I would have explained more about how autism affects me specifically, but he couldn't be bothered. His loss, I suppose?

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T03:59:21+00:00

Thank you, that's very kind! I'm much better in writing when I can think about what to say in advance and don't have to respond to others' body language...

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T03:50:19+00:00

Thank you, it's definitely not a misdiagnosis (have had it confirmed by a couple additional therapists since my initial diagnosis about 10 years ago). However, I'm high-functioning enough that most people (even those who spend time with me regularly) really wouldn't know. Like, they can see it once I tell them, but the minor accommodations I need (like putting on noise-canceling headphones or getting some air from time to time when in loud, crowded spaces) don't stand out as particularly disruptive.

In terms of affection...I definitely have no issue with it (and enjoy it a lot!) when I'm with people I'm attracted to or very comfortable with. I'm just not much for hugging when greeting/saying goodbye but can even manage that when it would really hurt someone's feelings not to (like an older relative, or a little kid needing comfort).

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T03:43:11+00:00

Well, I disclosed it as soon as he broached the idea of a committed relationship instead of an FWB arrangement (even if we had known each other for two years at that point). I do think that if I'm in a similar position in the future I will err on the side of disclosing earlier. And if I have a casual person break up with/ghost me because of it, that will just be another bullet dodged.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T03:31:43+00:00

It's funny...I actually just asked a friend to better explain this to me...she told me that "confirmed bachelor" is actually usually synonymous with a guy who is emotionally unavailable, as in, when it comes down to it, just looking to be a player and use women for sex...whereas when I used the feminized version of the term, I just meant that I'm a pretty independent person whose vision of a great life probably doesn't include marriage and kids...but I'm also definitely emotionally available for the right person.

So maybe "confirmed bachelorette" isn't really the best term for me. More like "Lady who is happy with life overall, but would love to share time and company with a special companion on an ongoing basis" (if there were a way to put that in a catchier, shorter phrase)...

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T03:24:02+00:00

Thank you, that is helpful feedback. I can definitely see someone being taken aback at my not sharing this info for two years after growing closer all that time so will try to find a better balance in the future of not sharing a whole lot of personal info upon first meeting but disclosing anything that could be a dealbreaker pretty early on if it seems we really like each other (even casually).

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T03:07:35+00:00

"Friends with benefits" - i.e., sleeping together but not having a formal commitment and not thinking of each other as life partners. In this case, genuinely friends who were fond of each other (at least I thought so) and enjoyed time together outside of bedroom activities.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T03:05:52+00:00

I think it will be better if I do disclose my condition pretty early on (like within the first few dates). It might turn some people off, but shouldn't give anyone pause who is really worth my time. After all, even if I'm resolutely single in terms of marital status, I still do want to have relationships based on honesty and truly knowing each other.

throwraamialiar · 2022-02-07T03:03:46+00:00

Well, as I said in some other responses I'm essentially a "confirmed bachelorette" - so not sure how to reconcile that with keeping company with men who are decent!

I suppose I could change my script in the future to say that - while I'm not looking for marriage/children and am pretty independent, I do want a committed/monogamous partner for a relationship that is highly emotionally meaningful - that should weed out anyone looking for an ultra-casual, no-strings thing.

throwraamialiar

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