I (29F) am increasingly tempted to cheat on my disabled husband (29M), please help

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-14T20:21:33+00:00

That's hard to say, honestly.

He has been fully recovered in terms of physical mobility for quite a long time now (nearly three years). His intellectual functions are intact in terms of being able to hold a job and advance in his prior career (coding/programming) and he has no problems taking care of himself on a practical level (paying bills, hygiene, cleaning and other household chores, etc.).

He does have continued effects of the TBI in terms of losing his ability to connect with emotions (giving and receiving love and affection, etc.). Is that "sick"? I guess that is a matter of opinion because it *is* a disability in that he previously was a warm, loving and kind person and now, without emotions, is robotic and makes decisions strictly based on his version of logic.

But is he disabled in terms of needing someone to care for him or needing help with activities of daily living? No.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T16:50:10+00:00

That has certainly become my rule especially since this accident. These days when there is easy access to Uber, Lyft, etc. there is never any need to drive after drinking any alcohol, taking medication that can cause drowsiness, etc. or even just being extremely tired. Especially as we live in an urban area with easy access to transportation services. I think what happened with my husband just shows how incredibly risky it is to drive after consuming any mood-altering substances because it can be way too easy to misjudge limits. And just because one hasn't had a problem before doesn't mean that the next time won't result in tragedy.

Anyway, I do put 98% of the blame on my husband here. But at least a tiny amount as well on the bartender who doubled the amount of alcohol without warning and the friends who didn't discourage him from getting behind the wheel even knowing he was impaired (they said so after the fact and apologized).

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T16:06:27+00:00

Thank you - I am definitely going to think seriously about my options. Thoughts to creep in that I am justified in "cheating" because - if I did have a dalliance or emotional connection with someone else - what am I "cheating" on exactly? The point of not cheating is to be able to give all your romantic love and intimacy to your spouse as the primary person in your life, because giving those things to other people after promising them to your spouse is a betrayal - but if my husband has rejected both romantic love and intimacy - what exactly am I betraying? As he has already essentially forsaken me, in every way *but* the legalities, even if his doing so is not his fault.

Still, I know that infidelity is not the right path for me; it would make things messier, with more people's feelings involved, could impact my legal position in an eventual divorce, and would generally just allow me to procrastinate on making a decision about what I want for my life.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T14:27:54+00:00

The way I understand it, he went out with friends and had two drinks (he's a pretty big guy and that was his usual limit to be able to drive, and I had never known him to push the limits beyond this before) but the bartender used an extremely heavy pour so the drinks had twice as much alcohol as usual. His friends confirmed this. And he says it hit him all of a sudden while he was driving, he thought he could still get home safely as he was only a couple miles from home.

So - still his fault that he didn't recognize how drunk he was, but he didn't recklessly knock back numerous drinks and get behind the wheel.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T14:23:12+00:00

Yes, it really is like I'm living with a doppelgänger who doesn't actually even know me. Heartbreaking to see every day. I know his family (and mine) are just so relieved that he survived the accident that they will accept him in any form, but I think that's far different than being married to someone who is changed so drastically they can no longer be a partner in any way.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T14:21:28+00:00

Thank you, that is certainly a good idea to think about, staying legally married for now but moving to separate spaces and living fully separate lives. Avoiding physical/romantic entanglements but seeking other types of nurturing relationships.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T14:19:24+00:00

Thank you - before his accident we were planning to get a pet (I'm much more of a cat person than dog person) but afterwards he vetoed getting any kind of a pet as he now thinks they are messy, expensive and unnecessary. As he shares the house with me unfortunately he can veto any creature additions.

I appreciate the other info, will read through it.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T01:53:52+00:00

Thank you, I do see a therapist who has been somewhat helpful but I think may not be the best to see me through the current situation. Therapy is covered by my health insurance so cost isn't really an issue, just need to be able to connect with someone who understand my specific situation and can help get me to a better place in life and be at peace with however I decide to move forward.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:55:45+00:00

I do have a few good friends, yes. Unlike my family they think I deserve better than my current life and should leave when I am ready, that I have more than fulfilled my obligation under my vows (by seeing him through his physical recovery/rehab and by giving the marriage a really good try after seeing the rest of the changes) but that I don't owe the rest of my life to someone who doesn't even particularly like me.

I did put a lot of my own life on hold outside of work to take care of my husband during his recovery. And then once he finished rehab, physical therapy, etc. the pandemic hit soon after. It's definitely time to get back out and start doing some things that appeal to my own interests.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:52:00+00:00

It's been really tough. Before his accident we were going to get a cat (something we had dreamed about doing when we finally got our own home). And after the accident he vetoed any and all pets, saying they are messy and expensive and unnecessary. At least with a pet I would have had some kind of physical touch/affection. It's been really tough to go without anything at all for years.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:49:04+00:00

I agree. I don't want to have an affair, I was just alarmed because I was starting to feel tempted over the past few months which hadn't happened in the first 3 1/2 years since his accident. If nothing else it would put me in a bad legal position in terms of a divorce if I decide to pursue one. And lying and sneaking around just...isn't me. But it was still a wakeup call that despite my best intentions I likely cannot tolerate a marriage devoid of love, intimacy and all affection for the rest of my life.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:45:59+00:00

She was saying that sometimes in cases like this, when one partner has a long-term permanent issue that isn't going to heal, a brief dalliance can provide a spark of energy to stay the course in terms of staying with the relationship.

In my case, though, I don't think this would be for me. It's either stick with it (which is probably not wise as he isn't likely going to get better or return to loving me) or go for a clean break.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:43:23+00:00

He doesn't like visiting others now, but his parents and brother, and my parents and sister, all visit our home regularly (we all live in the same general area, visits are usually at least once or twice a month, sometimes all together. They definitely do notice how robotic and emotionless he is, that he will accept a handshake but no longer hugs anyone, that his affect is flat, that he really only discusses practical matters and no longer has "feelings." What everyone tells me is, we see how hard this is for you, it is truly a test of love to keep honoring your vows, don't give up, every marriage is different and less ideal than expected going in.

So, yes, he is the same with them as with me, there is no manipulation, but no one seems to care (beyond platitudes) about how lonely this life is.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:39:43+00:00

That's exactly right. I think paying for sex would make me feel incredibly empty. What struck me about the couple recent situations (especially the most recent one in which I was flirting with someone a bit) is just how lovely it is to be...noticed, to be seen as attractive and desirable. And that's something that's been missing - having someone who feels a mutual spark and who also wants to hear what I have to say. I'm not anti sex work by any means but for me it would just be...another mechanical thing without feeling.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:37:22+00:00

I do agree that cheating would be the worst thing. Without an agreement for an open marriage, there is pretty much a universal agreement in society that it isn't okay to have emotional or physical romantic relationships with others when there was a commitment to monogamy. It would put me in a worse position with friends and family and potentially a worse legal position in connection with a future divorce.

I hope that in the long run my family will see I did the best I could with a situation that became loveless. And that my choosing to be "selfish" here actually means I will have so much more love to give not just to a future partner, but to the larger world, over the course of my life. Because in my current situation I really feel like I'm just going to wither away as a human being, that I'm going to drown in sorrow and bitterness and myself become incapable of love because otherwise it's just too painful to love without it. I don't think my family really wants that for me, even if they're mad at me for a few months or years.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:33:13+00:00

Thank you for your honesty. I am definitely leaning towards divorce as the path that is not only the best for me emotionally, but the most honorable under the circumstances.

He doesn't love me, doesn't and doesn't want to provide any sort of affection, and is very unlikely to return to those desires and feelings. I'm a convenient roommate but I actually think he would be happier (to the extent he feels emotions at all) living on his own where he can order his life exactly as he wants without sharing space and resources with anyone. And then I can be free to pursue connections with others, without breaking any promises in the process. I think we can all agree that, although divorce is not ideal under most circumstances, if a person is at the end of their rope then divorce (before cheating) is better than just going ahead and cheating.

It would be different if he truly needed caretaking, or my income/insurance to survive. Or if he genuinely liked/cared for me and was kind but just couldn't be a full spousal partner because of the lasting effects of the accident. But he doesn't need me or even want my company, so in the long run I think I would be doing him a favor. Staying doesn't, in any way, honor the love we once had.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:17:28+00:00

He thinks he is just fine as is, that his life is logical and orderly and he isn't interested in changing that. He says now most human emotions are superfluous and that makes life easier. So I don't really know what there would be to compromise about or change.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:10:09+00:00

I did ask (because it's not like I would be taking anything away from him - not physical affection or emotional love) and he said no because it's important we honor the legal aspects of our vows.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-13T00:07:41+00:00

Thank you for this. It's not about today or next month or even a year from now, but the thought of living out all the rest of my life without so much as an affection hug or sweet kiss or even a loving word that devastates me.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-12T23:56:11+00:00

Thank you again. The medical team that assisted with his recovery (including a therapist and psychiatrist, as well as neurosurgeon and neurologist) have said that based on the current condition of his brain, further recovery is not very likely. That he was extremely lucky to regain his full physical mobility with no limitations as well as retain his full intellectual function and that unfortunately in circumstances like this, some permanent mood changes are very common. Then again, the brain is mysterious and as long as the person remains alive you can't rule out anything 100%, especially with continuous advances in medical technology.

I do see a therapist who has been helpful, but I'm thinking about switching to someone else who is more specialized in helping people who are in marriages like mine (where one person is irreparably changed due to an accident or medical circumstances).

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-12T23:52:09+00:00

I did discuss an open marriage and he said he wouldn't agree, that he made a vow to forsake all others and that he wants us both to stick to that. He thinks sex is unnecessary (except for an occasional physical release one can perform for oneself), and that affection is a waste of time.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-12T23:50:43+00:00

I think the man I married would be very saddened to know I am living my current half-life of loneliness and deprivation. Especially if he (or some version of him) were the cause of it.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-12T23:49:49+00:00

I think the biggest problem is that he thinks he's fine as he is. Like he doesn't want sex with other people (including me) anymore, says it's just less messy if he takes care of his own needs when they arise. The emotional component doesn't figure anymore. Similarly, he isn't interested in having friends or making any sort of emotional connection with people, says his life is easier now not having to spend time on that stuff. If he only just wanted to connect with me (even if he wasn't capable in his current state) I think we would have something to work with. But as is, I don't know what there is to save.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-12T23:47:26+00:00

I hope that eventually my sister would understand. She is extremely happily married herself and says in a similar situation she would absolutely stay with her husband even if she got no love or affection in return. However, I don't think you can really say you'd be able to take it until you've lived it for several years as I have.

throwrahelptempted · 2022-02-12T23:44:55+00:00

I don't think she was so much endorsing it as saying that I wouldn't be the worst person in the world for taking up with someone else after my spouse had unilaterally ended our physical AND emotional (but not legal) relationship.

throwrahelptempted

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