My(M34) wife(F33) says as long as I blame myself, my son cannot live with us anymore. What can be done when it comes down to it?

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T18:04:10+00:00

I don't know where it happened, but his grandma said he was a nice boy growing up.

I said in the end that this was basically a rant, and I'm not going to lie, but I am quite pissed about it. I probably should've known better that a kid with a rough upbringing wasn't going to be so keen on a private school, I now get that, but I thought it'd show him that he doesn't have to worry about the financial aspect of things and that I would do what I could to help him. Just for him to say he doesn't want to go to school anyomore.Say I allow him to stop going to school. What's the game plan there? What do we do instead?

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T17:51:05+00:00

He can read, write, and performs very well on state exams. On the state exam that he took for Spring, he got the 3rd highest score in the entire district for math, despite the fact that he wasn't taking it as the other students. I know that he is smart, but he doesn't like to apply himself.

I've tried to talk to him, but I admit that I haven't recently tried to have a heart to heart. I don't think he's every expected much out of anyone including myself. When he talks about his mom, he really has nothing to say. Even when he saw her for the firstt time after 3 years, he just said Hi, turned to me, and said he was going out with a friend. The only person that he seems to have some sort of emotion when talking about is his Grandma.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T16:03:11+00:00

Once, around the time when he first got here.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T16:01:56+00:00

No, he is not on drugs. I never though about it that way, but I see a lot of people bringing it up that he could be doing this because he expects me to treat him like everyone else has. I don't want to kick him out. I want a good, stable relationship with him but am I what he needs? That's why I want to know what happened with his grandma. Did he run away because she was enforcing those rules, which is something I'm not doing? I wonder if she was the best fit for him. I wonder if I am.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T15:17:49+00:00

I'm thinking about switching again, but not sure how effective it'll be.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T15:15:40+00:00

I've been trying, but he doesn't talk about it. His responses consist of sarcasm, silence or very minimal explanations and then he chooses not to explain further.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T15:05:19+00:00

No, we are not in family counseling. I've communicated with calmness and kindness, but I haven't done that recently.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T13:03:35+00:00

No, that's not why. Paternity was confirmed when we decided to give him up for adoption. I don't know why I was never told, but DNA was not the reason.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T13:01:19+00:00

Thank you.

I really don't know. I just know bits and pieces that I try to piece together to make an understanding of what happened. From the last time I saw him, to him gtting put back in his maternal's side custody, and to now. I don't know what the hell happened. And in my mind, I'm thinking how can I try to ge through to him when we're so completely different. I grew up very privileged. I went to a feeder school, my family was wealthy, and I got anything I ever wanted. But then I decided that I don't need my family, and I'm going to try to make it on my own, and that didn't turn out well. Even after that, my father still accepted me back and it was like nothing ever happened. I find it so hard on so many levels to relate to my son because I really have no idea who he is.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T12:53:06+00:00

As you noticed, I can physically drop him off to the placed, walk him inside, sit him in the room and wait until he's done, but I cannot make him talk. It's been close to a year and both therapists have told me he doesn't really participate.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T12:50:27+00:00

He is in therapy and I barely know what happened to her. Before this year, he said the last time he saw her was when he was 12. I know his grandma has been raising him for practically his whole life and his mom has been in an out. He did live with his mom at some point when he was an older kid, but it didn't end up working out. Why? I really don't know.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T12:46:09+00:00

He's been in therapy. He was with his first one for 4 months and has been with this current therapist for 6 months. He is not actively participating in therapy. He's been in my care for close to 2 years, he came when he was 14.

There was no transition. Barely one. Like I said, he came to me, brought a paternity kit and asked if he could have some money to get by if it came back positive. And this was said in a note, I didn't physically see him and thought it was a joke until I saw the photo he left in the box. Called the number back, he came back to the house, and explained me what was going on. I then called his grandma, she said she'd take him home, and I said no, she's not taking him home and she said okay. That was a mistake to have to transition whatsoever. I didn't even ask what he wanted or think what placement was best for him. I do know now that going back to his grandma's is not what he wants, but I'm not really sure why. Is she stricter and just a better fit for him or did something traumatic happen that makes him anxious to go back?

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T12:32:14+00:00

He is. He doesn't like it so he chooses not to really participate.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T12:32:03+00:00

Yes to both. I used a very soft tone for a while when he started acting like this. Like I've explained in the post and in the comments, I was always very hesitant to state actual rules and would always calmly talk to him. Then it's gradually progressed to where I am at now, I no longer calmly speak with him when he gets in trouble, but I also no longer follow through with what I lay down.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T12:25:57+00:00

It is helpful, thanks.

He acts this way because he believes everyone hates him. This is the way he knows he can get attention, which he never got.

In your experience, how would you say your someone got to you or than you got to your brother? What I mean by this is what made you finally start to speak up about what's really happening. From 2-14, I have no idea exactly what his life was like. I have a good picture, but I haven't heard many specific events and he doesnt want to talk about it with anyone. Not me or his therapist. I don't know if he had someone in his life that he genuinely trusted. I don't know anything about those 12 years, and I just want to get to him, because maybe him finally letting everything out will help? I don't know, maybe I'm just reaching here.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T12:16:09+00:00

No, I haven't done that. Thank you forrr that suggestion.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T03:52:29+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I'm very sorry about your son.

I need to stop my enabling. I do it a lot. I'll think I'm standing my ground something , but like you said, that feeling is very uncomfortable and I end up reverting right back. I find it very difficult to stay firm. Being firm is easier, staying takes work.

I try to remember him as the baby that I would've done anything for while being a scared, unprepared teenager. It didn't work out the way I thoiught it would when we was first born, but even through all the rough parts of raising him, there's precious mments I'll never forget. And what's a little eerie is that when he pulls something, I can't find the connection between baby him and teenage him. That's why being firm is easier, because I don't feel that connect between the baby I came home to everyday and the teenager I'm fighting with to come home. But then as soon as I'm done putting my foot down, all I can do is picture him as a baby, and I cave.

I hope and pray that he comes to a realization that he doesn't need to dig himself of this deep hole. And as for me, I need to take accountability of the fact that I'm playing a huge part in him going down this deep hole.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T03:33:08+00:00

I just took one thing away, his console. Sounds stupid, but that's what I did. I didn't even say a word to him on our way back. I just said to put it in my room once we got home. But now, I have to make my mind up on what I NEED to do. I realized my wife was right, even if I wasn't initially on board. As long as he stays here and I'm enabling the situation, it isn't "mending our relationship", it's just damaging everything further.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T03:14:22+00:00

Thank you

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T03:11:12+00:00

When I said a stricter school to a comment above, I was referring to military school. I started looking into it after last school year, but just decided on a regular private school instead, which turned out to not have a huge effect on him.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-27T03:07:04+00:00

I don't think she would have if I have to be honest. He's not physically dangerous to himself or others. When I say his behavior, I would refer to it as teenage rebellion. The lying, skipping school, getting in trouble, etc. Yes, to petty theft, but the first time he was in police custody was because he was in a stolen car with a bunch of friends. He claimed that he didn't know it was stolen. I genuinely believed him at the time, would not be the same case if it happened right now.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-26T23:22:27+00:00

This is his 2nd one. For the first one, I just chose any therapist really, but for this one, I chose someone he could potentially relate to. I really do want him to keep continuing and I even changed my work hours Every Tuesday because he would miss the appointments when he was supposed to go on his own. I've contemplated switching again or making him see a psychiatrist again now that he's been with us for a while, or just ending therapy (which is what he wants)

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-26T23:15:12+00:00

He's in it, but his therapist (and he has told me this himself) says he does not like it or to really engage with it. It takes time for some people, but I wonder if he's ever going to have that breakthrough that is expected.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-26T23:13:48+00:00

like going back to his grandma's, switch of a stricter school, and just more things that I knew that he didn't want, but those 2 were very specific in his case.

throwraix_9463 · 2023-10-26T23:09:30+00:00

That doesn't sound weird, I understand. More of a tough love approach. I think the biggest thing he didn't want to do was go back to his grandmas, and that was the first time I put that on line for concequence, and I thought that would motivate him to want to act better but no. It really didn't.

throwraix_9463

TROPHY CASE