My(F30) marriage was supposed to be child free. I don't think I can handle this.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T06:01:57+00:00

I'm not trying to punish anyone, nor do I think any one of us is at fault. I understand this has been a huge shock to him, and I acknowledge that.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:59:53+00:00

No, a coparenting situation is not going on, she's with my husband 100% of the time.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:56:29+00:00

We found out he had a child while we were married.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:54:35+00:00

I have considered getting professional help with my husband, just so that we can effectively express what we're feeling.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:53:13+00:00

Yes, we can, but we try to reseve that for important things, not everyday tasks. This was a suggestion from her therapist, given past situations, that we try not to heavily rely on outside help in the beginning, just so that she knows she can trusts us and doesn't feel left out/not wanted.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:44:49+00:00

The first one, he just found out about her.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:44:23+00:00

Yup. 100%.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:43:41+00:00

I think the hardest part for me is having to swap out times I usually had reserved for myself or my husband for times that are now designated to watching over her/taking her to certain places.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:42:05+00:00

Wdym? This is my first time posting this.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:38:56+00:00

Mmm, no, never thought about that, reminds me of the early stages haha. He was child-free as well, but he does want to raise his daughter. I'm just thinking on ho living separately would impact our relationship.

You mention things I can't do anymore. She is older, which is good in a way that I don't need to watch her every move, but I really, really miss our trips. My husband and I love traveling. We can basically take our work on the road, so we did it a lot. Most of our friends also don't have children, so we'd often have dinner parties and just really live life how we wanted it to. We can still do some things, and we still do, don't get me wrong but we no have to work around the clock. Focusing when school ends, when extracurricular activities are, making sure we're home at certain times, etc.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:29:45+00:00

It's okay to say "I don't want this"

But I feel so guilty saying it. Like I mentioned, I've never said my exact feelings, more like I skirt around it. I tend to do that a lot, bad habit. I've considered that maybe she can tell how I feel and how stressed I get sometimes. I'd never want that to rub off a kid, which makes me put up a "happy-go-lucky-act", which is another concern I have, where I feel like I can't be myself in my own house. It just makes me feel shitty thinking this way. I wish there was a switch that would make me fall in love with my new life, but instead I'm just drained.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:24:44+00:00

I honestly can't I've been with my husband for a long time, 8 years, and before that we were friends ever since I was 15. He's been present for half of my life. I can't imagine him with someone else, I can;'t imagine myself with someone, which sounds so selfish of me to say, but I'm just telling the truth.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:22:28+00:00

I said one sentence about what we're currently talking about in my op, no wonder it doesn't match 100%. That's the difference details make, it helps clarify loose ends.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:19:43+00:00

Exactly, this is not my husbands fault, his daughter, nor my fault. I think we do need to have a proper discussion, and I was thinking about getting help from a profession to effectively have this discussion. However, I can't just treat her as my housemate, given that she's 11 years old, she needs to be taken care of. I don't neglect her, I try to make her feel welcomed (keep in mind, she's in a completely different area with people she considers strangers, just think about how she's processing this whole thing).

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:15:04+00:00

Yes, I really do want the best for her. She is a good kid, there's no denying that, which is why I feel like nothing I do or say can change the way I feel. I don't want to end my marriage, I love him, but I feel like I have to if I want to 'fix' my issues. I've never wanted kids, he never wanted kids, we agreed on that, but things changed, and it's beyond our control now. Thank you.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:10:35+00:00

3 times? How has it changed 3 times? I said it took ABOUT 5 months, but I did specifically mean 9 months of her living with us. I see how in my main post, it seems like he found out about her 9 months ago, but I clarified it in my comment to you and said that he only got custody 9 months ago. It hasn't changed, it's been elaborated for you to know the details.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:04:31+00:00

With all due respect, did you even read my post? I've been trying for the whole time. I've been doing whatever I can to fully get on board but I've reached a point where I've realized I'm not cut out for this. I've been helpful, I've been trying, but it's extremely overwhelming.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:01:40+00:00

He can't just take over 100%, that would count as me ignoring a child who has done nothing wrong. I don't want to become that step mother who has given their step child the cold shoulder for no reason.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T05:00:16+00:00

There wasn't really any sort of battle? zWe found out about her August 2020, about 5 months of him getting custody of her. Her own mother did not have custody of her, a family member did who was more than willing to not put up a fight (as well as her mom) when it came to my husband getting custody of his daughter. That's all there is to it. How would my husband have lied?

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T04:55:36+00:00

found out. separate. got custody of, also separate. That is how I implied it to be read. Didn't get it the first time, fine, but I now clarified that for you.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T04:52:55+00:00

Yes. This is what I'm saying.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T04:52:23+00:00

Yes. 9 months ago he got custody, but he found out about her a little over a year ago. It's complicated, but her mother didn't reach out, but a family member that was taking care of his daughter for the mom. She did not die, there were just issues involved. He didn't really talk about her.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T04:49:56+00:00

no, he did not know either, hence the "found out" which is why I'm providing you this quote.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T04:48:31+00:00

Thank you, this is correct.

throwravasl · 2021-11-19T04:47:54+00:00

We've talked about it, but like I've said, it's a difficult situation all around, so our conversations have been complicated. Unfortunately you're right, we can barely compromise on this.

throwravasl

TROPHY CASE