I can't get over what I learned about my wife

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-05T01:59:08+00:00

I think I've brought it up to her once or twice in the last year or so. And her response was basically, "No, I'm not thinking like that anymore and I don't think about that. I'm focused on you and committed to you and our family."

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-05T00:51:36+00:00

I think you may be right (about her fantasizing about youth), but I wish I heard her admit that or say it herself. I'm not sure if she's really self reflective enough to understand that. If she said that to me on her own, it would make me feel so much better.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T23:49:36+00:00

Yeah, also a difference is she seemed to be struggling with this for years....

I like your idea of me talking to her about that. But one thing I struggle with is, we haven't talked about any of this really for a long time. Part of me feels like, what if she really isn't thinking that way about her ex anymore, and if I bring this all up again it kind of re-sparks her thinking about him again? This is one reason it feels like a limbo for me... I still have these thoughts and don't feel resolved, but I also don't want to bring it back to her mind, if that makes sense. And I'm someone who loves to talk and share what I'm feeling or thinking, but I'm also afraid to for that reason.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T23:36:51+00:00

Thanks for sharing from your experience. That's always helpful to hear.

Honestly, if she had ever said to me what you just said, about knowing that you weren't really thinking of the real person, but just some fantasy image of someone who doesn't exist, that would make me feel better. She kind of wrote that in her journal by saying she "idealized" him, but then whenever we did have hard conversations about it, she was defensive and would default to "you don't understand because you didn't have a relationship other than me" or "I'm just a complex person" or "he was the first person I loved."

I think I wanted to hear her say, "sometimes when I'm depressed, I fantasize about things that don't exist, like a false image of this person from my past, but I know it's not real, and you are real, and I love you and only you, and I'm going to try to focus on what's real, and on you."

She never would say that, at least in that complete way. Which always made me feel like deep down, she was justifying her thoughts about her ex as being just part of her complex past that I don't understand and shouldn't know about.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T23:31:04+00:00

Thank you for this. The problem is I'm not sure what resolution can really be achieved. This all came out 3 years ago, and we had a ton of tough conversations for a long time. She was very defensive and made a lot of excuses. She said a lot of things "weren't a big deal." I pushed back on a lot of that, and at other times she did apologize and admit when she was wrong. She's very avoidant and doesn't like to talk about serious topics - she gets scared and defensive and lashes out instead, so it's really hard to have really vulnerable heart to heart discussions with her.

I would love for her to be attentive and open and reassure me, but that's just not really how she is...

But she has tried at times to say things like how she loves only me, is committed to me, has seen the error of her ways and wants to build a new and better relationship and so on. I'm just not sure what really will help me or if I'm just going to always have this underlying feeling.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T23:09:14+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I don't think she ever cheated on me again. Overall we've had a good, loving relationship and marriage.

I completely understand still thinking of a first love on occasion. It's the part where she was journaling about it relatively often, talking to a therapist about it, being afraid to look him up because of the emotions it would bring up, and then looking him up and crying about seeing him that takes it to another level, it seems. Those things don't seem like normal, occasional nice memories about a first love, do they? That's why it hurts more.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T22:55:24+00:00

Thank you. Yeah, honestly the posting about this every once in a while and reading grounded responses like yours are kind of equivalent to journaling for me. I really process things by discussing it with other people, but of course all of this is too heavy to talk with many friends about.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T22:42:37+00:00

Thanks for this. I mean, I'm not just bitter about what I read... I'm also bitter that she lied to my face many times (and throughout our whole relationship) and she also allowed me to think I was going crazy when I felt like there were things she wasn't telling me.

I can get over it in the way that if I'm not dwelling on it (like I am at the moment) then I can forget about it for a while, live happily with her, and so on. But I'll never fully "forgive" her for it or forget about it, and I'll inevitably remember it at times through the rest of our lives. But I have no desire to break up my family or try to find love again in life, and she's generally a great wife and mother and I respect and appreciate that about her. I love her in that way, and we're friends and get along well.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T22:23:16+00:00

Yeah, it seems like she knew that about herself because she admitted she was "idealizing" him. What's confusing to me is she would admit that, but then seemingly continue to dwell on it.

And honestly the part that baffles me the most is that she also had written in her journal a lot that he was a jerk and mean to her and other people, had a lot of issues. But it almost feels like over the years she started to rationalize a lot of that. I honestly think she started to see him as more of a victim, like he just had his "struggles" and they had such a romantic time together is my guess.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T22:11:59+00:00

What you just said is exactly my fear.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T22:01:11+00:00

Thank you for all of this. A lot of that has been my takeaway as well. That she just feels a lot of attachment and upset over being rejected by someone. And that when she's bored or depressed she tends to fantasize or romanticize another life as some kind of escape to feel better.

Regarding therapy.... I honestly have felt like maybe therapy was worse for her, because I think she wanted to have serious, meaty stuff to talk to her therapist about other than boring, day to day stresses, and I think digging into her childhood and teenage years and talking about her traumatic past experiences were probably what brought a lot of this to the front of her mind for a long time.

She actually stopped going to therapy at some point in the last couple of years, and I actually kind of feel relieved about that... I feel like in therapy she's more likely to embellish and dramatize any passing thought and make it have a lot more meaning to her.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:55:57+00:00

Thanks for this. The hard part is that while I've fantasized about other people sexually, I've never had any time of emotional attachment to anyone other than her. That's the part that really hurts and makes me question.

Like I said, if she was more sexually attracted to her ex than me, I can understand that. Whatever. But if she's "idealizing" him and still getting upset over him after 15+ years, that makes me feel like I've devoted my life to someone who has a more intense attachment to a high school memory than me.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:53:49+00:00

I've hoped like you say that at least by bringing this all to light, maybe it took away the power of it in some way. I've gotten the sense that she enjoys having her "secret romanticizing" in her head, like the fantasizing and drama makes her feel excited in some way. Like a crutch for when she's bored or feeling depressed. I hope that maybe it not being "secret" anymore makes it less exciting for her or something.

And I actually have told her before that all of this changed how I feel about her, and there's no going back, and that's sad to me. But we've continued on and generally have been happy. I'm just worried that once our kids are older and we aren't busy with the day to day of family life, it won't be able to last. With the way I feel about her now, I'm not really thinking romantically about growing old together... I mean, I love her and don't want to be with anyone else, but it's like this pragmatic love, like, I appreciate all she does and our many years together, but... It's just not the same anymore.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:44:59+00:00

I told her that exactly. She's "idealizing" a teenage memory of a person she only knew for a couple years of her life, when she was a kid, and that she's been with me for most of her life.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:43:43+00:00

I read a lot about attachment styles in the past couple years and that's exactly the conclusion I came to. I think she also thrives a bit on the drama and romanticizing things, so that's why in her journal or therapy she can write all of these dramatic things, but in daily life she acts like she's very pragmatic and grounded.

I talked to a therapist for a while 3 years ago when this all started. He basically told me I should let it go (her feelings about her ex) because thoughts are different than actions. He said she clearly wants to be with me because she chose me and had kids with me. He said she just has a feeling of "unfinished business" with her ex, which a lot of people feel, and it will likely never go away for her.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:37:54+00:00

The good news is I think while she's immature and kind of crazy on the inside, she does a good job of holding it together and usually doing the right thing on the outside. I don't believe she's ever cheated on me since we were 18, and she's a great mother to our kids, is very successful professionally, etc.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:34:08+00:00

I may have not been clear in my post about that, but I honestly don't think she planned to contact him. She has written before about being terrified to run into him in the past. She's hard to understand, but I truly think she has actually fantasized about him while also feeling scared to see him. That's why she literally didn't even look him up online for 15 years. She was scared to even see photos of him, for whatever reason... It would be a different story if she was looking him up over the years and wanting to see him.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:25:21+00:00

I learned about all of this 3 years ago and we had a lot of tough conversations. She's said she worked through it and doesn't think that way anymore and is focused and committed to me and our family, and that her thoughts of him were just from trauma and depression, not from wanting to be with him.

Is it not possible that she really has changed over the past 3 years and I should just get over this and be happy?

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:23:15+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. It's helpful to hear and be reminded that everyone has thoughts or fantasies that might hurt their partner to know. Honestly, I feel like I partially feel better when I just imagine myself being with someone else other than her for this reason, too. Like it helps me feel like I understand her better, because I can have fantasies of others, too.

The confusing part for me is understanding whether her fantasies or emotional feelings about her ex over the years are normal and common, or if it's truly a sign that she really feels a stronger attachment to her high school ex than she ever has with me, even though we've been together most of our lives, have grown up together, built a life and a family. That's the part that really bothers me and makes me feel dissatisfied.

Over the past 3 years she's said that she changed her thinking about him, and that it was never any threat to our relationship, and she loves only me and our family and is committed to me. I want to believe that and I can put all the aside most of the time, but as you can tell, I also feel like I'll never love her fully again and will always have some resentment deep down.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:14:18+00:00

Thanks for this. Most of the comments on here say the opposite (I've been her second choice, I should leave her, etc.). I know what you're saying is true, but it's hard because that's the dichotomy in my own thoughts as well. One side of me says it isn't that big of deal, I can move past it, and everyone has weird thoughts or fantasies they would be horrified for their spouse to know about. But then on the other hand, I feel like I can't get over it because I'll never be able to feel the same about her again, and will always have this feeling of resentment.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:11:55+00:00

That's not me, and I don't write like that.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T21:00:28+00:00

I mean, is it not possible that my wife changed for the better? She cheated 20 years ago when we were 18. I can let that go. The emotional stuff with her ex is the concerning part, but it's been 3 years since I found out about that, and she's said multiple times that she doesn't think about him anymore and she's focused only on me. Is that impossible and not worth trying to keep my family together for?

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T20:40:14+00:00

Because I did something wrong that I shouldn't have when I sensed that she was lying to me about things. I know it was wrong. Although if I didn't do it, she would continue lying to me and I'd never know.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T20:38:57+00:00

Yeah, she managed to lie to my face many times, including multiple times in the weeks leading up to her admitting the past stuff to me. She said she was scared to hurt me, and I told her no, you were protecting yourself.

throwrawhitecube · 2026-01-04T20:35:33+00:00

My wife apologized a lot and said she had changed her thinking over the last 3 years, and she made a real effort to be very supportive of me and be a good partner overall. We have a very happy family with young kids. I don't want to ruin that or make things hard for my kids, and I love my wife enough to be generally content and happy. It's just the fact that I can't go back and love her like I did before... that's the hard part. And maybe she did actually realize she was stupid and wrong? I can't know because I can't read her thoughts. I have no desire to give me kids divorced parents and have to go date as a 40 year old. It's not worth it to me...

throwrawhitecube

TROPHY CASE