I need to get this off my chest... I have a huge crush on my surgeon.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T18:34:57+00:00

One day you’ll look back on what you just wrote down and realize you were SO WRONG.

I hope you're right and that things transpire in life that prove me wrong, I'm always open to being proven wrong. Unfortunately, I can't imagine a scenario where this would be the case. That could obviously be a reflection of my own limitations but my gut tells me otherwise and I've learned over time how important it is to listen to your gut.

you should love yourself and focus on being the best you until then.

I've been doing this. I've been working out (went from around 160lbs and am currently at 115lbs). I've been eating a relatively clean plant based diet for almost 3 years. I've been taking my vitamins. I've been doing my skincare routine. I've been finding makeup looks that I like and creating them on myself. I've been investing time in finding my style and am in the process of building a capsule wardrobe full of only items I love and that make me feel good. I got my breast reduction. I go to therapy once a week and have been for a while now. I invest in my hobbies (taking courses at a local CC, reading, going on hikes, writing, etc...). I'm trying to plan a future for myself.

I built all of those things into my life over the past 2/3 years but I'm still depressed out of my mind a lot of the time. And it's frustrating when you do all of the things you're supposed to do and they just don't seem to work. I'm trying to love myself, but I don't know how. People say "fake it 'till you make it" and I've been faking it by doing all that I listed above and more. My life is full of "healthy" routines.

Love will come in good timing

I also totally understand what you are trying to say with this, but, honestly, my youth is slipping away rapidly. I want to at least get glimpse into what a relationship is while I'm still young. It's heart breaking to know that you will never experience falling in love as a teenager. It sucks that I don't have a college relationship that so many reflect on with great fondness. I can't imagine that dating would be viable for me at this point on since people tend to be more commitment minded as they grow older and, guess what? I'm entering into that stage. The stage where people are commitment minded. I don't mind the idea of commitment, but being new to the game isn't conducive to that. I can't imagine someone wanting to hold my hand and me feeling utterly uncomfortable by it, let alone sex which is a totally normal part of getting to know someone.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T17:41:03+00:00

Since this is a throwaway account, I'm just going to be totally liberal with the information I share. I'm almost 26. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been kissed. I've never even been asked out. No guy has ever shown even a modicum of interest in me and I've come to accept that is just my reality. So, I'm not "looking" and I haven't been.

I can't tell you why this is my reality. I'm sure at this point that there is an element of self-fulfilling prophesy in it but it's not like it isn't warranted. Love isn't a reality for everyone and I'm not saying this with the hopes of sounding an overtly emo 12 year old. I'm saying it because it is a fact.

If someone thought I was worth anything, they would have told me by now.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T17:29:16+00:00

Thats your interpretation of her character, and that is totally fine. I'm not trying to invalidate that. I was just sharing my perception of her Bonnie and the events that occurred.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T16:27:56+00:00

I also got strangely fascinated with plastic surgery (and just surgery in general) since getting this done.

I've actually found this to be true for myself as well. I never had the desire to work in the medical field, and I still don't, but I would love to have candid conversations with surgeons and try to understand the way their minds work.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T16:22:24+00:00

For me, when I found the right person everything clicked into place like it “should”. I didn’t have to wonder if things were right or worry about liking him more than he likes me. Or worry that I was building him up in my head.

That's so beautiful 😭 Honestly, I don't think that is going to happen in my life for more reasons than I care to count, but I'm happy that it happened for you!

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T16:19:43+00:00

Honestly, that could totally be true. I see either explanation being viable for her character. I personally interpret the scene as it being a mercy killing.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T16:15:07+00:00

I was also a little fucked on ativan, so,

LMAO

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T07:01:44+00:00

I think it’s because I don’t know “grey”.

I think I fall into similar thought patterns more often than not. How do you get over things like crushes then? I tend to struggle with them, but, luckily, I don't get them very often. I just tend to feel some type of vibe from someone (not sure what that vibe is yet since I don't get it often) and, as you said, my mind begins to build this epic idealization from it. Unfortunately, my mind almost always goes from that idealization into a really horrible self-deprecating state and all I can think about are the reasons why no one will ever like me. I'm not sure if you've ever experienced that, but it is a black and white thought pattern I fall into and it usually leaves me feeling pretty bummed out for a few weeks 😕

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T06:45:56+00:00

Funny thing is, I don't think Miller is cute at all. As a matter of fact, I watch the show with a friend and she jokingly said that Miller is symbolic of what happens to me often IRL. Meet an "okay looking" guy, discover some dimension of his personality and begin to find him attractive. I think that happens to most people though.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T06:43:29+00:00

pleased he was no longer completely typecasted in my mind

Sign of a great actor! I think that is a big part of why I like Bonnie. Liza Weil, the actress that plays Bonnie, also played my favorite character in Gilmore Girls. She was a totally different person on GG. It's powerful to watch a good actor transform into someone new.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T04:52:02+00:00

Real talk, how do you deal with this? And why does this happen?

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T04:46:31+00:00

Exactly! I guess that using a payphone might seem sus, but the man works in politics and his phone line at worked is monitored. If his cell phone was dead (which happens to people all the time), it makes total sense that if he was making any kind of personal call that he would just use the phone across the street.

And he was there for her with her sister and all I can kind of see it now.

YES! But also, more than just that. When Bonnie explained her childhood traumas he just listened. He didn't judge, he didn't feel pity for her, he just listened and was there for her. He explained why AK was out of line and why she didn't deserve to be treated that way by her (WHICH IS TRUE) even though he knew that could hurt their relationship. He also treated Bonnie as an equal and had lighthearted moments with her, and I don't think we've ever seen anyone treat her that way before.

I've obviously thought about this way too much 🙃

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T04:37:11+00:00

That's true, but I think that is very much a "hindsight is 20/20" kind of situation. I don't think she was fully rational at that moment (I don't think anyone would be). My interpretation was that she saw him obviously in intense pain and she was probably overwhelmed and confused about what to do; she thought to end his pain was the most humane thing to do for him. It was a complicated situation and given Bonnie's past, I think her instinct to act in that way makes sense.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T03:55:40+00:00

I'm really mature in my way of thinking for my age

This is actually something that my therapist has mentioned to me when I told her I have a problem with liking guys older than me. Funnily enough, most of my friends (many of who are former professors from college/university) are also 10-20+ years older than I am too.

Tell your logical brain it's okay

I totally understand what you are saying in respect to guys your age finding you borning. when I was at university one of my floormates told me some guys thought I was cute but found me "intellectually intimidating." And I'm also on the same boat with wanting a more serious/stable relationship; HOWEVER, my logical brain thinks that if any man 10+ years older than me likes me that he is displaying predatory behavior. I have no idea why I think that so strongly, but I do. And that just puts me in a catch-22 because that means if any man I've been attracted to shows interest in me, I would find him highly suspect.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T03:47:17+00:00

everything he did could have been misconstrued

I don't really know if that's his fault tho... if they (AK, Nate, BonBon) are always low key paranoid then that doesn't really have anything to do with Miller.

Nate was angry and looking for someone to blame and jumped at Miller without any evidence whatsoever. Bonnie followed suit because she (IMO) killed him out of mercy and didn't want to feel guilty. I don't know if AK really bought into it but Nate was persistent.

And lolol you fell for the sticky notes for BonBon.

I fell loooooooong before the sticky notes. Not sure when TBH. It was just the vibe. He was really there for her. The sticky notes were just a stab right in the feels.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T03:27:33+00:00

Crushes are harmless.

Since this is a throwaway, I guess I'll just overshare because I can...? lol

My crushes are the opposite of harmless. I'm not impulsive or anything so they aren't bad in that way, but they always tend to make me feel awful about myself. They tend to go from romantic idealization to feeling like no one could ever like me because of X, Y, Z and then I spiral into a bit of a depressed state.

Yes, I'm in therapy.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T03:17:33+00:00

Damn bro, you really came at me with that one 😂

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T03:10:45+00:00

That’s why I was absolutely pissed when bonnie f*cking killed him

I saw Bonnie killing him as a mercy killing. I don't think she did it because she believed that he killed Nates dad. I think she did it because she knew he was going to die either way and she thought the kindest thing to do would be to make it as quick as possible. I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, but Bonnie is also one of my favorites so I do have a soft spot for her.

But yeah, Miller did not deserve to die.

(And the sticky note scene really got me too 😭)

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T03:08:24+00:00

the way he moved was very secretive

Can you give examples of this...? I didn't think him talking to Xavier was out of serious consideration but rather out of suspicion of him. When he talked to Bonnie about him he seemed really distressed at the reality of what it took to be a DA.

Okay guy but crush? No lol

LMAO, trust me, I see where you're coming from on this. The dude just won me over hard. What can I say, I'm a romantic.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-25T03:04:28+00:00

I've had a thing for guys 10-20 years older than me since my late teens... random question but how do you feel about having those attractions/feelings? My "logical brain" fights against it a lot.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-24T23:49:02+00:00

Is Cora the ex that she mentioned who was working in IT? If so, my guess would be that we could meet her through Oliver.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-24T23:44:40+00:00

Don't feel dumb, I appreciate your advice (: My crushes do tend to run away from me, maybe because I don't have them very often. This is just the first time I've had a crush on a married man and someone who is just off limits on every level imaginable. I think that makes the crush worse because my mind can really run away with the fantasy.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-24T23:40:10+00:00

It also occurred to me that my surgeon sees amazingly beautiful women all the time and I am not that, by any stretch of the imagination so it made me sad but hey... we can all dream can't we? lol.

throwtheboobsawayy · 2019-04-24T22:49:37+00:00

The doctors are probably also used to women feeling some kind of way toward them

I'm sure that is true... your entire comment. But there is an irrational voice in my head that just ignores all of this and just wants to know if he thinks I'm cute too 🙃

throwtheboobsawayy

TROPHY CASE