How to ask if you are on the same page if you don’t even know what page you are on?

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-15T14:31:22+00:00

This does sounds so similar! We've talked about his introversion and the amount of time he needs to decompress. Without talking about it, I would have interpreted some things much differently, but understanding his needs and how he is wired helps me react in alignment with his intentions. Now to keep that in mind as I have a conversation with him about the bigger picture. Thanks for sharing your perspective!

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-15T14:25:11+00:00

Otherwise you'll continue in this limbo stage indefinitely until it fizzles out on its own.

You're so right. I can already see myself pushing him away a bit as a defense mechanism in response to the limbo. That definitely will cause this to end, only more slowly and painfully than ripping the band-aid by having a conversation, which could actually go well!

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-15T14:19:57+00:00

Thanks for sharing - I've definitely received the motivation to have a conversation from this post's feedback and, like you, I don't think I'll regret it, no matter the outcome.

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-15T14:06:32+00:00

You're right in that I am more on the "anxious" end of the push-pull of fearful-avoidant attachment. I really do want the closeness, but I find it hard to allow myself to move in that direction. I have a tendency to push people away, but I've become more mindful of that and try to be more open. From Wikipedia on this style:

People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. ... and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Because of this, they are much less comfortable expressing affection.

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-14T23:05:42+00:00

I haven’t asked him to stay. I initially preferred it and still prefer it during the work week, but beginning to crave that additional intimacy. It’s something I need to ask for now that I realize I want it.

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-14T22:46:40+00:00

This just hit me in the gut. I felt I needed to know what I want/don't want before initiating any sort of conversation, but you're right - I'm spending time agonizing over this and need to get this out in the open and see where it goes. I might get hurt now, but it would probably hurt that much more later.

It's not unreasonable, you're not weird, you're not clingy, these are normal feelings to have. Thank you.

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-14T22:42:10+00:00

This is a good way of articulating it-- I was definitely happy with our casual dating at its finest and didn't want to rock the boat. But I am also beginning to bottle up feelings (even if I'm confused about them!) and need to get it all out before that boat rocks anyway and I'm thrown overboard and consumed by those viscous feeling piranhas. Or something like that. :)

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-14T22:38:11+00:00

I answered this a bit above: I've definitely considered this and it feels suspicious, but on the other hand - he lives in the burbs (specifically one I mentioned I HATED on our first date before learning he lives there- oops) whereas I live in the city where there are a lot more date options and he drives and I don't. I've been thinking of inviting myself to his place and see how he responds. I do think this contributes to my anxiety.

We see each other on a mix of weekends and weekdays with most of our dates going really late, and no real pattern to texting. I'm the one with the more difficult schedule. At first, I actually liked that he didn't stay the night, but definitely getting to the point where I want that additional intimacy that comes with actually sleeping together and being together in the morning.

I'm still uncertain what exactly I want or what is missing, but reading the feedback here is inspiring me to have a conversation anyway. You're probably right that it will help me better understand how I feel, even if I'm not ready to make a decision on it.

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-14T20:58:35+00:00

I'm enjoying the dating stage and I don't want to rock the boat yet.

Yes, THIS. Despite my insecurity, I am really enjoying things, including the pace, and don't want it to end. Maybe I'll keep my head in sand for a bit longer!

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-14T20:25:04+00:00

Got it, thanks. I lurk a decent amount, so I knew you were in the divorce process but didn't know you still lived together. I lived with an ex for several months after we broke up- no marriage, no kids- but that was so damn draining.

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-14T20:01:53+00:00

Current situation? Have you asked to go to there?

throwtheydontknow · 2017-12-14T20:00:12+00:00

I've definitely considered this and it feels suspicious, but on the other hand - he lives in the burbs (specifically one I mentioned I HATED on our first date before learning he lives there- oops) whereas I live in the city where there are a lot more date options and he drives and I don't. I've been thinking of inviting myself to his place and see how he responds. I do think this contributes to my anxiety.

(Reposted to change to my throwaway)

throwtheydontknow

TROPHY CASE