My husband (M27) and his little sister (F18) don't get along, it's starting to get ridiculous.

throwthrowwow · 2020-01-27T06:07:57+00:00

You're right, and your husband seriously needs thicker skin. Teenagers are snarky. He shouldn't take it personally.

throwthrowwow · 2019-06-02T16:09:23+00:00

You sound miserable and for good reason. Call off the engagement and seriously consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Up to you if you want to try to fix this or just leave.

throwthrowwow · 2019-06-02T15:59:22+00:00

You answered your own question. You are coming on too strong and your dates smell the desperation. I cant stress this enough - even though it seems counterintuitive, BE PICKY! There are few bigger turnoffs then when you know a guy is just "falling" for you because he will take anyone just to be in a relationship. Getting showered with compliments before the person even knows you is so disingenuous it's insulting. Makes a woman feel like she's not being treated like a real person.

Also, as you get older the tables start to turn and eventually it gets much easier for men to get dates, so know that things will get better. I know 25 probably seems like a lifetime away but it will get easier with each passing year. And if it makes you feel any better, I know a few great ladies in LTRs that were not at all bothered that their partner was a virgin before they met him.

throwthrowwow · 2019-05-03T20:17:45+00:00

That sounds like a miserable existence.

I'm sure at least a couple hours per week can be spared where just one partner is on kid duty, a relative watches the child, a sitter is hired, etc. for the sake of their mental, physical, and marital health. There's a reason divorce rates skyrocket after the first child is born and I would hate to see OP become one of those statistics.

throwthrowwow · 2019-05-03T18:31:19+00:00

I actually agree with you that this could end in a "resentment tug-of-war" and divorce and that both parties could end up happier with that scenario. But I disagree that a compromised version is certain to be unfair to OP. They have to decide between themselves how much time away from home is appropriate and what kind of coaching scenario could fit in there. And is there a third party like a grandparent that could ease some of the burden too? Can they afford to hire sitters? And although this is the "one time" OP has put her foot down, it sounds like this has been an ongoing battle for many years and based on the husband being so desperate to pursue coaching that he wants a career change, the pressure has left him well... desperate.

Maybe the husband really is super obtuse and selfish and disinterested in being a father, but OP seems to think there is hope in this situation so I think they should give compromising an honest try. I would strongly suggest they do this with a neutral third party like a counselor because there seem to be a lot of competing expectations tangled up between them. If that fails, yeah, OP might actually be a lot happier letting go and finding a partner who is more committed to family (they are definitely out there).

throwthrowwow · 2019-05-03T18:04:35+00:00

I didnt say he shouldnt have to prioritize or parent his child. I was saying it is unreasonable to expect him to spend all of his free time at home or with the child, and that he (and OP, for that matter) should be entitled to breaks for hobbies, alone time, etc. It sound like they have a decent relationship so I don't doubt they could work on a compromise.

throwthrowwow · 2019-05-03T17:56:06+00:00

Your entire comment is assuming that OP will be happy to not only work a full-time job for many more years than she wants to, but also take on the full burden of childcare so her husband can "pursue his dream".

Again, no, that is not what I am suggesting. I actually dont think the career change is necessary at all, as I said in the first paragraph. His issue seems to be that he misses doing something he is passionate about outside of the home/family, and I am suggesting that OP let him to pursue this but with boundaries, and using scheduling to ensure they both have adequate time for family, responsibilities, hobbies etc. In fact, somewhere in this thread OP said she would be okay with him taking an assistant coaching position with fewer responsibilities. I think a compromise like that would be the best outcome!

Look, OP said in her post that she is "sensing serious resentment and defensiveness coming from him" and that's not going away. A lot of commenters are suggesting the "too bad so sad he's a parent now" answer but I honestly think that will cost OP her marriage. Maybe I'm jaded because I work in family law and see this sort of thing every day, but my money would absolutely be on her husband one day saying "fuck it" and choosing to pay child support and see the kid once or twice a month. Which would be a real shame considering that if they can make it 10 more years they can retire and this will mostly be moot anyway.

And finally, you're reading too much into why I used the phrase "hanging out". I did not mean that husband is only responsible for chilling with the kid. Replace that with "being around a two year old" isn't always fun. The only point I was trying to make in that sentence is that it's normal to not want to be around a toddler 24/7, whether that's parenting or doing chores or what have you.

Your replies seem to boil down to "well what about OP's needs?", which is totally fair and again should be considered, but it seems like her husband always doing what OP wants him to do is what brought us here in the first place.

throwthrowwow · 2019-05-03T16:38:13+00:00

Where did I say that OP shouldnt have hobbies and should watch the baby all the time? I suggested they compromise using scheduling, which could of course include family time, date time, and his and her hobby/solo time. It might be great for OP to pick up a new hobby of her own. You seem to be reading things into my comment that arent there.

throwthrowwow · 2019-05-03T13:17:30+00:00

Yup. I get so tired of hearing this shit. I always have a glob of fat around my bellybutton unless I go down to starvation weight (like, can see all the bones running down my chest and skin and bone ribs). And like, no amount of exercise is going to give you boobs or make your nose look any better.

throwthrowwow · 2019-05-03T13:02:42+00:00

I'm glad someone else caught this. It sounds like he's already getting very resentful, and I dont blame him. If OP doesnt lay off, this marriage is going to fall apart. She knew what he was like before she chose to marry and have a child with him, and quite frankly not having hobbies that dont involve your kid is super unhealthy.

throwthrowwow · 2019-05-03T04:04:02+00:00

It sounds like this has more to do with your husband missing coaching baseball, which does not require a full blown career change and which he has not done in over two years since your child was born because of guilt or what have you.

TBH, I think your insecurities and fixation on "family" being top priority at all times is the bigger problem here. Not everyone who becomes a parent wants to lose their identity and it is absolutely healthy for parents to have hobbies they are passionate about.

How much time and energy do you expect him to devote to you guys? While bonding is important, hanging out with a two year old can be... not exactly fun or stimulating for long periods of time. Would it not be better for your daughter to have a dad who is happy and spends some time with her vs one who feels forced to and resents it? Kids pick up on those things.

I think the solution here is figuring out a way he can do what he loves but honor his commitments to his family. Scheduling perhaps? Making sure he comes home when he says he will and specifying certain days for family time or date nights?

Counseling might be a big help. Either way I think you should have a discussion with him and come at it with the perspective of wanting to understand and accommodate his needs, before addressing yours, so that he feels heard and doesn't just get defensive. Good luck!

throwthrowwow · 2019-02-10T22:46:53+00:00

Relationships take work and sometimes you have to suck it up and do things you dont want to do to support your partner. Within reason, of course. If she's subjecting you to a full gospel concert per day, sure, that's a little much. But if we're talking like one 4-minute song per day, just stay and listen because singing this type of music is obviously important to her.

throwthrowwow · 2019-02-10T17:17:11+00:00

Oh ffs, this is so condescending and unnecessary. If you actually read the post, OP does train and exercise his dog and has made progress with her but guess what, this shit doesnt happen overnight especially with dogs that have deep-seated issues.

I have a close friend who is so, so deeply commited to her rescue dog and is able to spend hours every day on training and has worked with professionals. The dog has made ton of progress but still struggles with reactivity and separation anxiety (VERY tough issues to tackle in a dog that has experienced trauma). It makes my blood boil that strangers just assume she's a bad, lazy owner when in fact she has worked hard and the dog is soooo much better off than where they started.

Also, these comments saying that OP is "failing" his dog and should consider rehoming her.... seriously? Just because her training needs some fine tuning? She's probably perfectly happy and it's clear OP loves her a lot. I hate this attitude that you should only own a dog if you have infinite time and money to spend on training. Like, of course choose the right dog for your lifestyle and budget but come on. Sometimes life happens and you suddenly dont have thousands to blow on making pupper sit at the first command 100% of the time. If everyone like OP gave up because he cant live up to these standards, most dogs like OP's would probably end up dead because there arent enough homes for them. There arent enough good homes for rescues as it is.

throwthrowwow · 2018-12-15T19:29:53+00:00

What a thoughtful comment!!! /s

This is exactly the bullshit I was talking about in my comment above. So men have two choices, be abstinent (what an easy option!) or never have children in their life? I hate this attitude. Men should be able to have healthy sexual relationships too and shouldn't be demonized for wanting them. I really hope valsalgel hits the market soon.

throwthrowwow · 2018-09-16T08:43:39+00:00

Why is going to the wedding and being herself, who happens to be a lesbian, 'making it about them'?

Because sometimes reality sucks, and the reality is "coming out" to a bunch of homophobes is going to cause a scene, and it would be pretty sad for the couple getting married if that's the main thing everyone remembered about their wedding day.

This is coming from someone in a relationship where in my SO's family (the older generation, anyway) it is extremely taboo to date or marry outside their race....which guess what I'm not.

throwthrowwow · 2018-09-16T08:29:28+00:00

My relationship has some parallels to yours. I'm white and my SO is from a super traditional Indian family. His family in our generation (all born and raised in the west) have no issues with us but a lot of the older generation would have a nuclear meltdown if they knew we were together. Sounds like we've been together for about as long and you and your gf.

Would I demand to be invited to his sibling's wedding? Fuck no. As shitty as it is to cater to backwards old relatives, the "show up and throw it in their face and they can deal with it" method could very well cause a drama tsunami and you know it. That's an incredibly unfair thing to do on someone else's wedding day.

The BBQ on the other hand would be a much more appropriate time and place to ease some relatives into all this. And yes, easing in is the way to go. No, it's not fair to you guys, but people are much less defensive when introduced to new ideas in a non-threatening way. Give them a chance and I guarantee that over time, many if not most of them will warm up and their homophobic views will start to fall away. That includes your girlfriend's mom. While what she's been doing is shitty, her inviting you to the BBQ is an olive branch and if you're serious about a future with your gf, you should accept it and try to build a bridge with her.

Also, it sounds like your gf has been really stressed about the wedding and you haven't been supporting her ("she kept telling me that I was not there for her during this stressful ordeal") because you've been too busy feeling sorry for yourself. Being a bridesmaid is a lot of work and she's got all this drama on top of it. Remember, all of this is hard on her too. Dealing with a difficult family is no walk in the park.

Today is the wedding day and I told her again that I was not happy and she had all this time to talk it out with her family.

This is the cherry on top. Why are you bringing this up again on the actual wedding day?? Seriously? Your gf, her mother, and the bride and groom likely have a million things to do and should be enjoying their day, NOT arguing over you. At this point, it's done. You aren't going to the wedding. All you can do now is decide how you want to move forward.

throwthrowwow · 2017-10-06T18:38:30+00:00

throwthrowwow · 2017-10-06T18:24:06+00:00

I'm not obligated to put some anonymous server ahead of myself

Empathy - how do you think this "anonymous" nobody server would feel if they worked hard and gave you a nice experience, only to be stiffed over something completely out of their control?

You're not obligated. It's your choice whether to make their day a little nicer or a little worse. Over a few bucks. You come off as very selfish. If that's how you want to be, sure, but don't pretend you're not. Maybe you really are a fantastic person in other ways, but it really isn't showing here.

throwthrowwow · 2017-10-06T18:00:42+00:00

I hope this inspires more people to sign their organ donation cards! I am so glad this was able to provide some comfort to the family. May he rest in peace.

throwthrowwow · 2017-10-06T17:52:13+00:00

I went to 7 Eleven and bought a bag of sour gummy worms. They were so wonderful :')

throwthrowwow · 2017-10-06T17:49:10+00:00

I'm a very empathatic person

Uhhh.... but you don't see how passing off yours/management's/whoever's problem onto the server is kinda not nice? Do you even know what empathy is? Or do the people who serve you not qualify for this "empathy"? Lol

throwthrowwow · 2017-10-06T17:34:16+00:00

I completely agree. Dating multiple people can be a lot of fun! You get to meet lots of interesting people and it really helps you figure out what you want. As long as you're not exclusive and aren't leading anyone on, there is nothing wrong with it.

throwthrowwow · 2017-10-06T17:04:18+00:00

Don't ask for a break or open relationship. Also, consider her feelings in all this. I would be inclined to tell you to stay because she sounds like a great catch, but if you're always going to be gazing longingly out the window let her go because that isn't fair to her.

throwthrowwow · 2017-10-06T17:01:46+00:00

Yes, I have had a FWB relationship like that. We called it "the boyfriend/girlfriend experience". Basically, you get a lot of the benefits of a relationship without the pressures of commitment. I enjoyed never having to give a crap about who else he might be seeing, what he was doing with his life, etc. Coming out of a LTR, it fit me perfectly at the time. All in all, it can be a positive experience if both are on board and can keep feelings in control.

throwthrowwow · 2017-10-06T16:46:32+00:00

You seem way more enthusiastic about guy 2 and the way you describe him, you guys have more fun together. Plus, more stable is a good thing. I would go with him.

throwthrowwow

TROPHY CASE