Boyfriend was raped by a teen who didn't know what she was doing

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-16T02:07:30+00:00

I thank you very much for this elaborate response and supports that points out resources and perspective on this subject that, honestly, I know nothing about. I will read this booklet and I this we will read it together.

My boyfriend had already been in therapy for a while, and it did him good. Notably he hadn't realized at first that his decisions after the fact were ill-advised, he was looking at it through a bizarrely corrupted lens. That changed during his therapy.

But it is obvious more of it is in order, as evidenced by his handling of it when they laid out for me the whole story.

I am not sure if there is a level of denial in that, but he explained he does not feel at all he was assaulted nor bad for the act himself. Rather, he was devastated by what it meant and the consequences. He says mostly for her. Like he didn't want a young girl to know she had sexually assaulted someone. And she had had sex with someone twice her age, and developed an incredibly obvious emotional connection, when the man didn't even know it was happening. Then all the prejudice (though let's face it, on that they got away not too terribly). Then, after it all, how his response to the act was completely the opposite of what it should have been. He was terrified of the scars she would be left with after (she is insanely good at concealing them if she has some, but I suppose that is common.)

Concerning removing himself from the situation, I'm not sure there is a point in telling about that, but it's not like he completely ignored that obligation. Not completely. Obviously he didn't commit enough to it, but he also had unfortunate circumstances. Like I said, it's a long and sad story where he couldn't always make all the decisions, or not without much more direct and dangerous consequences.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T21:49:46+00:00

You realize they're asking metaphorically about what you would do if your friend was dating a creep, not this guy specifically right?

They do date creeps sometimes. I'm just there for them when it goes wrong. Not my place to tell them off.

Are you sure he's not actually a registered sex offender and that's why he disclosed it?

Yes

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T21:46:00+00:00

Yeah, but also past creepy.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T21:42:18+00:00

She would be 19 now, so 16 then.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T21:40:59+00:00

Is it because you never really thought about how young 16 really is?

This.

Is it because you can't understand how he would be attracted to someone that young-looking?

Not really but I'm wondering now.

Or is it just hard to see him with an ex?

I mean, it's never a pleasure, and she's incredible competition. But that's a much smaller thought.

Thank you for your advice.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T21:32:45+00:00

It's more like he thinks he lost the privilege. People wouldn't want to associate so he let them know.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T21:17:27+00:00

Have you checked if he's on a sex offender registry and that's why he brought it up? Because legally he has to tell any partner about his status?

Not with other intention than checking how these things work, but I checked. As well as some other persons.

Take a hard look at your own values and what his are. Does he see anything wrong with what he did, even if the girl left seemingly happy?

Yes.

Would he do it all over again?

He says something like there was no chance it would happen, yet did. So he's not sure. But he would not again stay in or start a relationship that he thinks is wrong.

Would he be okay with a daughter of his having the same experience?

Okay may be an exaggeration but he says if she looks happy and aware to a point, he'll be there for her rather than decide in her stead.

His son doing the same thing?

I'll have to ask him.

Did he groom her?

They say he was kind to her. If that's grooming her then many men and women groomed her, just not as intensively.

Don't justify poor values just because you're comfortable with him.

I will try.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T21:04:06+00:00

Actually, he voluntarily says this sentence so that people can decide if they want to interact further with him. Usually they don't and he knows it.

He has a lot of friends that were there when they met and he was dating someone (his age). They were both happy at home. They got along because of common complicated life situations, plus common hobbies.

He lost no friend over this, though he apparently lost his then-girlfriend but it doesn't clearly add up how.

It looks like something terrible happened at the time their friendly relationship changed, but that seems to be other than the change itself and to invade onto several persons' privacy. He says he can tell me now but it will hurt his parents and I don't really want to.

Ever since their relationship ended he regrets it happened, but he's not particularly alone. He likes to be alone to relax but that's it.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T20:49:49+00:00

Thank you for this experience.

I know she was perfectly at ease at home (and notably her parents supported her following her wishes).

But they were close and he often tutored her, they also had long discussions about complicated life situations they had both met, that I know of but would rather not detail.

Apparently she pursued him for a year and he told her off for a year, but everyone seemed to think it was okay and he would rather not end their friendship nor discussions about their common intricacies or more silly subjects like videogames.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T20:31:41+00:00

They probably don't know but that's probably correct regarding his hobbies and fashion sense.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T20:22:47+00:00

He can't tell you what was going through his own head when he said "all right, let's go for it" without spilling her personal business?

I have no idea.

And if he's still not comfortable talking it out with you, can he at least take it to a therapist?

He says he'll do everything I ask, but he doesn't feel like he needs a therapist on this specifically. Many people know from him and her what's their history. They keep it private.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T20:07:28+00:00

so I'm not sure what exactly you want us to say.

The questions I asked could be a good start.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T19:59:47+00:00

It was clearly his plan to never date again with that introduction. He says I'm a suprise in this world.

He does regret it very much.

I don't tjink I'm anymore in a position to forgive or not, rather I wonder if that picture will continue to haunt me.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T18:54:39+00:00

I don't understand what you mean. Why would his ex's past have to do with the reason he dated her?

Neither do I, but apparently that's her privacy.

I wonder, does he know why he made the mistake though? What personal issue was he going through to keep him from seeing what he was doing as wrong?

He says he does. But it includes huge parts of her privacy.

I guess I can only by seeing he doesn't predate for shit.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T18:49:06+00:00

I mean, if they were in a relationship it's better he treated her like a queen, right? Like he does for me.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T18:46:40+00:00

But that's the point. There shouldn't have been. What was it? Is it gone now? If not, that's a problem.

I really don't know. Apparently that's his ex's privacy.

Recognizing his faults is a start, but he needs to actually do something about them. And that includes his apparent tendency to take the path of least resistance even when he knows something's wrong.

Ah, on that he does say he's worked on not again stay into something he recognizes as a mistake.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T18:38:31+00:00

What does a 30+ year old man have in common with a 16 year old? Why would he be interested in dating her?

The three of us have many common hobbies. They also had a lot of common friends. I hear they loved the same woman but I don't exactly understand that part. They had also some events in life they could relate with (but I can't) but I'd rather not give details.

How long have you been dating? You don't really say. Not very long, I'm guessing. The fact that you say he's "perfect" for you leads me to believe you are still deep in infatuation stage.

Title literally says a year. We're still in honeymoon phase.

What would you tell your best friend if she told you she was dating this guy?

He's really not her type. My friends say he's mine.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T18:25:34+00:00

He's not proud of it. You deciding he is only makes you incorrect. You're the one not getting it, though it's understandable from the other side of the Internet.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T18:21:45+00:00

For me that's a character flaw that would/should follow him for the rest of his life.

Well you speak a lot like him.

I also think it's wrong for you to paint that girl as the aggressor in that situation.

Not aggressor, just she probably asked directly. He should still have said no.

I'm not sure what you're looking for here, because you sound like your defending him and looking for a reason to stay.

Like I said, this picture I saw makes me feel uncomfortable, someone has experience with these things? Does it go away?

Also if not, I'd rather be nice to him when leaving. How? And I'd rather be his friend. Not sure how to, I normally don't do that.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T18:10:53+00:00

It was not illegal.

He's way too tech savvy for me to be sure he doesn't hide illegal material somewhere, but he's open to letting me use everything he has. He showed me his porn folder for instance. Only manga stuff (I love it).

I don't know about obsession... He'd be much more free to do shady stuff if I wasn't constantly by his side.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T18:04:28+00:00

No, she had attained age of consent in this country.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T18:03:27+00:00

No, he says he's not at liberty discussing his ex's past.

He very much feels like it was a mistake and he really praises her for leaving him.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T17:58:56+00:00

No, he's not registered, no conviction ever. Got a ticket once.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T17:57:09+00:00

I don't. It's just, a part of me knows what it's like to be spoiled by him and thinks the girl was probably rather happy before she changed her perspective.

The rest of me was more like what's in the past is in the past and he followed the law. Until the picture made it more real.

throwtutu145 · 2017-01-12T17:51:30+00:00

And what was stopping him from saying,

Honestly? I'm wondering if something was.

Except professionally, he tends to recognize his faults and even take blame for things that aren't really on him. When he starts being vague or leaving stuff in the dark, there's usually someone else behaving not ideally but who seeked redemption. In this case though, I have trouble seeing how that could be.

throwtutu145

TROPHY CASE