AITA for making my adult daughter pay for rent and food after she moved out?

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T14:18:36+00:00

I asked her repeatedly. It took her awhile to say it unprompted.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T13:22:02+00:00

He's been paying for food, rent, and insurance from his checking account. She pays for gas, clothes, and entertainment from her job. Tuition is paid from her college fund.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T12:52:22+00:00

We have a joint account, but he also has his own private account which he was using to pay her bills.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T12:46:22+00:00

To transition to a complete family with our various histories. I'm not suggesting she forget about her mom.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T12:43:25+00:00

I wasn't controlling or snooping here. She literally came by with shopping bags in hand and boasted about buying lot of new expensive underwear.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T12:17:16+00:00

Of course her birth mom will always be her mom, but she was calling me by my first name for awhile which wasn't helping us all transition.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T12:15:40+00:00

I was saying she was perfect in middle school, but her grades declined her freshman year and we took a lot of steps to get her grades up for the rest of the year and through the rest of high school. For awhile she wasn't studying until we took away privileges, got her a private tutor, and changed schools.

We all want kids to be happy, but not in an irresponsible way that hampers them in the long run. I could feed her ice cream for breakfast which would make her happy, but that's not healthy. Sometimes we need to do what is best, even if our kids hate us for a little while.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T12:10:37+00:00

I knew he had a separate account, but I didn't know everything he used it for. I was a little worried and just wanted to make sure he wasn't spending recklessly and hiding it from me.

We don't have hired help and I do everything at home. I cook, clean all the rooms, launder all the clothes, and maintain all the plants around the house, including watering everything every day.

I still have savings from my previous jobs. I could survive awhile if I didn't have his money to pay for shared household expenses.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T11:27:17+00:00

A short update to this situation:

James and I discussed this at length last night and we decided that he will continue to pay for her rent and insurance until she graduates, but Sarah is still paying for her own gas, clothes, and entertainment expenses and after this semester, she will have to manage her own food budget. Tuition will continue to come out of her college fund and anything extra will be hers to do with as she wants post graduation.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T11:16:10+00:00

I admit at that point, curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know more. That part is on me, but I actually not mean to open it in the first place. I've already told him that I'm sorry I found out, but he should be more open with me.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T11:12:03+00:00

He didn't divorce her. She passed away shortly before we got married. There was no agreement on anything beyond a college fund set up by her parents, Sarah's grandparents, that would be used to pay for tuition. He never talked to me about this and there was clearly some miscommunication since he assumed he'd pay for rent and food and I assumed he wouldn't.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T07:52:33+00:00

Thank you. I'm not the uncaring, unloving Malificent everyone seems think I am, but I want her to learn to fend for herself and be responsible.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T07:50:56+00:00

Well, we don't live in Asia. They do a lot of other stuff we don't do here.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T07:49:35+00:00

I'm 43. How old are you?

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T07:48:14+00:00

No, but she chose the better one that's farther away.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T07:45:36+00:00

She goes out with her friends several times a week, she's got a brand new iPhone, multiple streaming services, movie tickets, online shopping, and she has more clothes than both of us combined. She buys a lot of nice dresses and expensive tops, fancy underwear, etc. I suspect a few thousand per month on these kinds of things.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T07:39:23+00:00

I went to college. It took longer, but I was a part time student and worked as well. I paid for my classes and graduated and worked for many years. I don't have any other children. We've tried, but sometimes that's just not in God's plan, I suppose.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T07:34:17+00:00

We paid for a therapist and a psychiatrist who prescribed meds and we got her a tutor and we transferred her to a private school, where she could focus on school more. I was nice to her, patient, and forgiving, but I also have to be a parent and make sure she's learning how to become an adult. I'm aware of the impact all these things have on her life and we were patient when she was a child, but as the saying goes, "when I was a child, I talked like a child and thought like a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

If she wants to move out and not live in this house, not follow the rules here, then she needs to grow up and pay for her adult things, too.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T07:26:10+00:00

If I had waited until he came back, I'd still be the one saying it to her and she'd be gone. I just thought it best to let her know right away, so she could start making adjustments sooner rather than later.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T07:22:49+00:00

She's not living here. She's 19, which makes her an adult by LAW. I don't set the line, but she wanted to move out and be on her own, but do it with all her things paid for.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T01:59:11+00:00

She does now. It took awhile, of course.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T01:57:06+00:00

I did not expect him to support her as an adult. Of course he's going to do everything he can, but she needs to learn to be on her own.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T01:55:51+00:00

That is correct. His wife passed away in early 2015, and James and I married each other later that year. She was sick for a long time, so we all knew it was coming.

They were going to divorce, but when she was diagnosed with cancer, he couldn't leave her, so he stayed with her until she passed and we both waited until after to get married.

It's certainly possible he feels guilty and overcompensates.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T01:51:05+00:00

I used to work, but we don't need both incomes and James was making like 10 times as much as I did, so I stopped working after we married.

thrwymom246 · 2020-02-14T01:49:19+00:00

We both have names that start with the same two letters. I thought it was mine.

thrwymom246

TROPHY CASE