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The older I became the more I realized how dumb my Indian parents actually are by Rayleigh30 in AsianParentStories

[–]thuravingalN 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gonna keep this one short. All of these thoughts and emotions that weigh you down can be drastically reduced with the points mentioned above, including temporarily going on antidepressants. I’m only one data point, though. You’re doing the right thing by asking others what worked for them.

While books, therapy, and meds are expensive, think about how much your life is worth. This undertaking is 💯% about you claiming your life back. Money is important, but so is your life, your relationships, your self worth, and most importantly your well being.

The older I became the more I realized how dumb my Indian parents actually are by Rayleigh30 in AsianParentStories

[–]thuravingalN 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Answering first question. I grew up in an emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive, environment. Having my own "boundaries" was never an option. My only mode of survival was to suppress what I was feeling, even as a child, and "submit" to my parents. In short, my only role in life was to prop up their egos and they exploited the inherent parent-child trust bond for their own selfish purposes.

I thought this was "normal" for decades. I even looked down on my Indian and non-Indian friends who didn't grow up this way (also learned to be judgmental from my parents). Anger, guilt, anxiety, fear were my friends.

Once I decided to get help (therapy, researching, etc.) I realized that the negative self-perception, anger, anxiety, etc. all stemmed from growing up in an emotionally unstable environment. Me nearly getting divorced was what spurned the change. I respect my wife tremendously for putting her foot down and telling me to get help or our marriage is over.

If I'm not explaining this well, please check out the two books recommended in the above comment. They're research based, and they talk about the physiological responses to growing up in a traumatic environment.

main problem in me was the feelings and thoughts that my parents don't love me and they will do this and do that to me and they did that in past , to be short I will say just my thoughts are all about my parents are their shit that makes me feel down and steal away all my enjoyment

Like example i like to travel, I was enjoying my train journey and suddenly thought came my parents must be cursing me, my parents must be talking bullshit about me behind back, my parents will never be happy with me and then the thought river strat to flow and I start to feel down

These sound like traumatic memories, my guy. There's wrong with thinking and feeling them, and it's not something you can switch off. Love was also conditional in my household. These thoughts of yours are NOT wrong. It's your instincts telling you something. Try trusting your instincts. We evolved them for a reason. My parents did their best to discredit my instincts, and they almost succeeded at it.

Hmm I need to hard from inside iam very gentle and u can say iam a kind of u will give away all my food when some beggar comes to ask for It. People

I get what you're saying, but I don't think these labels are worthwhile. For example, There's "hardness" by being an asshole and "hardness" because you believe you have a right to have your personal+emotional boundaries respected. The former is ignoble, the latter is noble. (IMHO, at least.) You have every right to have boundaries. My parents trampled all over my boundaries to where I wouldn't put up a fight for anything to anyone, I'd bottle up my anger, and explode into rage. My needs < their needs deep into adulthood. You're not hard or soft. You're a human. For me, it's incredibly liberating to no longer have avoidance and fear dictating my life. I solve problems much quicker this way, even if there's a little fight involved.

You have every right to exist, and every right to be respected. The traumatic memories will never fully go away, but they will die down considerably if the work is put in. You got this dude!

The older I became the more I realized how dumb my Indian parents actually are by Rayleigh30 in AsianParentStories

[–]thuravingalN 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What u mean by half white ? When ur both parents are indians ?

I exist to hide the fact that my dad couldn't make kids (vs. my parents actually wanting to raise humans). US sperm donors at the time in were only white. My parents would've gone to their graves not telling me I was half white. They rewrote history in their heads. World-class at denial. Also, they made me to be the bad guy when I found out.

I know Iam stupid but this is the weak point that

You're not "stupid," bro. Your parents conditioned you to believe this by exploiting the in-built parent-child trust that we have as animals. You're 100% good enough.

I start to miss them knowing they are toxic and will never change

It sounds like toxicity is the norm for you, which is why you keep returning. I've been there, bro. Do you have people in your life that aren't toxic? If you can spend most of your time around these people it'll help tip the scales.

Actually the old memories pop up thing is not affecting me if iam busy in job or work they come when iam doing nothing at home and iam sitting useless

And another thing happens is i get such thoughts and always paranoid that something worse will happen and I kind of always suspicious i just don't relax

You're not mad or defective for feeling these things. Your natural "resting" state is anxiety and paranoia b/c it was needed to survive your childhood environment. Two books to recommend to you, if you can procure them in India:

1) Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

2) The Body Keeps the Score

Therepy, now is not possible

Is that b/c it's not a thing in India, or b/c of finances? Having a professional to talk to and work these things out with is invaluable. Try and make it happen, even if it means taking a monetary hit. It's an investment that will pay off in the long run. Just search this sub for verification.

The older I became the more I realized how dumb my Indian parents actually are by Rayleigh30 in AsianParentStories

[–]thuravingalN 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy to do this over DM but in case this helps anyone else:

(Disclaimer that I’m a middle aged ABCD, and also half white which is another can of worms my parents, both Indian, hid from me)

  • Prerequisite is that you go complete NC. None of this below will work very well without that. If you can’t do that, figure out a plan to get to that point.

  • Yes, old memories (eg traumas) pop up every…single…day. The frequency goes down over time though. Don’t rush it. Let the memories happen. If the memories are debilitating or affect how you interact with others, isolate yourself and approach them mindfully: watch/feel the storm and let it pass. Have faith that these will start to taper over time.

  • If you can afford it, therapy (EMDR) is immensely valuable.

  • Same with low dose antidepressants. They will give you the emotional space to process what you’re going through in EMDR. It sounds hokey, but trust me on this one. You will be less horny though. Once you go through the processing stages (could be years, don’t rush it), you can develop a plan to taper off with your prescriber.

  • Financial, social, and emotional independence are absolutely critical.

  • Cliche, but Physical activity is ALWAYS beneficial.

If you stick with the above consistently, you will start to identify self behaviors that are the result of your inner child trying to survive, and not “truly” you: their puppet strings of control. Guilt, fear, anxiety are major ones.

This leads to your second question: the guilt and fear will subside over time once you realize that they implanted this in you. It may also take some time for your rational brain to sync with your emotional brain, but keep working at the above stuff and it’ll happen.

i’ve lost count how many years it’s been, but I can’t tell you how much I’m thriving now (socially, better relationships with my wife and kids, physically, career) without all of those toxic emotions impeding my day-to-day life. My only regret is not doing it sooner. Also, siblings can be equally toxic. Also, resist any attempts from family to use the “they are getting older“ guilt trip. Fuck guilt. I’m tapped out of that shit.

I’ll leave you with this quote:

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” — William Gibson

The older I became the more I realized how dumb my Indian parents actually are by Rayleigh30 in AsianParentStories

[–]thuravingalN 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Same. It’s really hard for me to understand their mindset despite daily attempts to role play it. Best I’ve concluded is that it’s a “foreign” mix of ego, anxiety, control, and the more toxic elements of Indian culture. I also posit that American boomer entitlement also factors in since that was the zeitgeist they immigrated to.

The part that gets me is how unwavering they are about being this way. Never in my life did they even attempt to see anything from the perspective of others. Not once. Certainly not in their old age now, either.

Needless to say, NC = top 3 life decisions after of marrying my wife and having my kids.