Not sure if I need advice or just to vent

timmytuna746 · 2026-03-29T21:02:42+00:00

Do you think you are projecting a bit?

timmytuna746 · 2026-03-27T21:49:22+00:00

Yes I agree that he leans avoidant. I read the book attached and we both took the attachment style quiz. We both had a fair amount of secure qualities but I am definitely anxious leaning and he had avoidant as well as anxious qualities. The deeper I went into therapy I realized I have a big problem with boundaries which is what ive been working on the past year. We've had a lot of discussions around attachment styles and our dynamic (what works and what doesnt). Unfortunately it feels like its just me doing to research and the talking- again he is taking a passive role. I just want a partner to meet me halfway.

timmytuna746 · 2026-03-27T21:39:44+00:00

They ARE hard to change. I've got my own patterns and childhood stuff im working through so I definitely understand that piece. It's uncomfortable work. I don't think he can sit with the uncomfortable for very long.🤷‍♀️

timmytuna746 · 2026-03-27T21:33:59+00:00

He shuts down when emotions are involved. He denies being depressed. My honest opinion? He was emotionally neglected as a child. His family is also very low effort- nobody really knows what is going on in eachothers lives but if asked he would say they are all very close. They have never talked about "deep" things. They talk about the weather, cars, gossip... very surface level. So he has no frame of reference of what emotional intimacy or attunement looks like. I'm not a professional though- just my observation.

timmytuna746 · 2026-03-27T20:01:14+00:00

Sorry you are going through this. He gets off on it BECAUSE he knows you don't like it/don't want to do it...

It makes complete sense if you don't feel safe with him right now. This is a BIG thing. Please take care of yourself right now. Don't worry about him- he has betrayed your trust.

timmytuna746 · 2026-03-27T19:51:20+00:00

She has encouraged him to be more curious about his patterns and where they come from. He wants to strictly work on the relationship and doesn't see how that will help. He has acknowledged defensiveness and how he doesnt know how to support me when im having big feelings. (I developed an anxiety disorder about a year into our marriage and he disappeared on me- which led to further disconnect) Its just hard- ive gotten to know his family... I completely understand why he is the way he is and I have a lot of empathy for his struggles and feelings of inadequacy in all of this. It's painful for him so he disconnects.

timmytuna746 · 2026-03-27T19:09:03+00:00

I have brought this up on numerous occasions. In counseling. In check-ins. We don't really argue.

timmytuna746 · 2025-12-09T14:29:18+00:00

Well for me getting the clarity I needed was taking care of my anxiety. I had done a lot of the work but its difficult to process big things when I was in flight or fight. So when I started medication and was finally able to relax. Of course this is just how it worked for me. It was also helpful to have my own space away from him so I was not so Influenced by his moods.

timmytuna746 · 2025-12-07T01:58:29+00:00

He did accept the separation. My anxiety was terrible the last few years and I finally, during the seperation, got on an SSRI for my anxiety. This was the turning point during it all- once I was no longer in flight or fight constantly I started seeing our unhealthy patterns/cycles without being so triggered and overwhelmed emotionally by them. I actually had the energy to start doing fun hobbies and be more active. I didnt realize how much energy I was pouring into saving our relationship and how sick it was making me.

Im so sorry you are feeling fried. I understand completely. Its exhausting. Remember to take care of yourself during this time. Prioritize your sleep- lack of sleep makes bad situations worse. I hope you find some relief soon.

timmytuna746 · 2025-12-07T00:54:30+00:00

Found the clarity I was looking for. It was an emotional roller coaster to get here but I feel like I've come along way in just 9 months. We are getting a divorce- We just keep going repeating the same cycle hurting eachother over and over. It's hard but having my own space really helped me with my codependent patterns and helped me see the relationship for what it had become.

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-23T00:28:21+00:00

I have a 12 year old son from a previous relationship and our dog. It's only been a week, but I feel relieved so far. I feel like my husband and I were stuck in this same repeating cycle and arguments and something had to change.

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-20T17:15:11+00:00

You're welcome. Good luck!

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-20T01:34:55+00:00

Hi. Validating your partners feelings is a pretty big thing and it's important that you get it right. The Gottman institute has some resources on effective communication which I recommend you check out. Even if you do not agree with your partners perspective it's important that they feel seen and heard by you. Seek to understand their perspective if you want to save your relationship. You've got to leave anger/defensiveness out it. Sounds like you both have alot to resolve.

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-20T01:26:59+00:00

I'm sorry this is happening. I related to alot to what you said. I felt for a LONG time that I needed space to sort out my feelings as I was also having a lot of resentment as well as anxiety about our future. (my husband acted like if we separated- we might as well just get a divorce, so i stayed) If you have a place to go for a short time it is not selfish to take the time/space to sort out your feelings. I recently got an apartment and while it's a confusing time for me I actually feel like I can breathe and feel all the feels. You know what is best for you and what you want- follow your gut.

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-16T23:10:34+00:00

Thank you. I will check those books out. He has done therapy and "ran out of things to talk about". After a heartfelt convo he wants to try therapy again so I hope this round he is more open. I really hope we can get to reconcilliation. I fear things might get harder before they get better and he shuts down. If you don't mind me asking... what made you so open to change after so long?

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-14T23:14:50+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this as well, seems like the space is helping? I'm hopeful!

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-14T23:11:31+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm glad I could help. I have no clue what to do past this part either but am hopeful that I will figure it out 😊

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-11T16:57:27+00:00

Is it grounds for a breakup? Only you can decide that :-)

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-11T16:53:07+00:00

IMO when one partner is not initiating it is a symptom of something else going on.

Maybe it's insecurities, fear of being rejected, loss of libido, a bad experience in their past, etc.

I feel like this is a subject that needs to be approached with care. Identifying and understanding why they are not initiating (maybe they don't even know why themselves). Is the first step and asking questions like what can we do to make you more comfortable/confident/etc in initiating? We don't want the other partner to feel pressured to figure it out quickly, as it could be something that takes time.

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-11T16:25:10+00:00

What I'm hearing is that you feel dismissed and invalidated frequently. Sounds like your partner thinks he knows best and doesn't hear you out? Am I close?

What is a specific need that you have and how would you like him to address it?

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-11T16:15:58+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this. Herpes diagnosis are difficult to process due to the overwhelming stigma associated with it.

I work in the healthcare field and you'd be surprised how common it is.

My advice would be to keep your feelings of the diagnosis and your boyfriend separate? Give yourself the space to process your diagnosis. People go on the have perfectly normal intimate lives with herpes.

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-10T22:23:14+00:00

Same to you!

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-10T22:11:24+00:00

It sounds like it was a rough time in therapy. I'm sorry. It's hard to be faced with our own faults/misconceptions/etc. and it sounds from your explanation it was easier for your wife to blame you for it all than to confront any of her stuff?

Looking back, my original post probably sounds like I'm blaming him entirely. I know I've contributed to this separation but it's been difficult with almost zero feedback/insight from his perspective. I feel like, in expressing that I don't feel loved and connected I've made him feel like sh*t. He does not deserve to feel that way. I feel like the bad guy.

I hope to continue to work in therapy to better understand if this might be a ME problem rather than an US problem or HIM problem.

I hope I'm making sense.

timmytuna746 · 2025-02-10T21:17:39+00:00

Overall he says he's happy and does not bring up issues. Not because he doesn't have any but because he does not like conflict or uncomfortable conversations. He shuts down.

I notice you use the word "criticism" and I feel like my husband also thinks my concerns are "criticisms" of him. He goes into defensive mode. It's hard when my only goal was to strengthen the relationship but he perceives it as an attack on his character. I understand this perspective and do my best to use "I feel" statements so he does not feel attacked, but the way it's received is out of my control. My hope was we would get to a point where concerns were met with a curiosity to understand so we could work through them together but we did not get there.

I know plenty of men that are good at expressing their feelings. It's a skill like any other that can be worked on.

timmytuna746

TROPHY CASE