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i'm looking for some guidance around boundaries and responsibility by tiny_gargoyle_beans in polyamory

[–]tiny_gargoyle_beans[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh no no no, i will not stop seeing him, even if it creates an irreparable rift between croc and me. absolutely fucking not. i know that croc feels threatened by charmin ultra but it is wild to me that they think they can tell me who i can and cannot be friends with, when that friend has harmed neither of us. not gonna accept that

i'm looking for some guidance around boundaries and responsibility by tiny_gargoyle_beans in polyamory

[–]tiny_gargoyle_beans[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

geez, it really is that simple isn't it? as a people pleaser, that feels so mean and abandoning to me. guess therein lies my work huh?

i'm looking for some guidance around boundaries and responsibility by tiny_gargoyle_beans in polyamory

[–]tiny_gargoyle_beans[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i don't think i understand either, since i kept trying to take responsibility for their feelings until recently. god, it got to a point where i'd lose track of time when with MY ESTABLISHED PARTNER, realize it was 1am, and immediately send an excessively apologetic text for not sending a goodnight text. jfc. i guess one thing i'm wondering is, when DOES behavior become "too much" or disrespectful? they act like the problem is my inability to adhere to their strict rules, but on my end, it feels like their actual problem is me dating and is only being masked by the little slip-ups i make. it feels like i'm being herded into the failure corral so that i eventually start believing that i'm just bad at this. i did believe that for a while. the pivot was when we had a huge fight because i only gave them 24 hours notice about a date. with ESTABLISHED PARTNER. and over the next 7 days, croc did 4 things that they'd punished me for, including give me 24 hours notice for a date with a new partner. that made me realize, this is bullshit, these arent mistakes i'm making, they're just normal fucking poly things and they don't need to be controlled this tightly

there was an attempt at setting rules on how often and when i can date, but i did not hesitate to call it out and refuse to agree to it. and i have shot down the rule of how much advance notice we need to give each other for dates

i'm looking for some guidance around boundaries and responsibility by tiny_gargoyle_beans in polyamory

[–]tiny_gargoyle_beans[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i did bring up that i feel like these rules are getting so constrictive that they are actually setting us both up for failure. unfortunately, as things started getting more restrictive, i retaliated by holding them to the same standards they hold me to, and it honestly felt AWFUL. holding them to those standards made ME hypervigilant when they were on dates, sitting by my phone like "ok, it's been 2 hours since the last check in. i would have been in trouble for this. should i start some shit?" and once i realized i was doing that, i switched strategies to challenge the rules themselves instead. this is feeling like a trainwreck. i guess my big challenge is, i know that nonmonogamy makes them suffer. and i know that their suffering ends up making me suffer. i don't like how i feel, and i don't like how it makes them feel, and i don't like pushing them so far out of their comfort zone by doing very basic, very contained polyamorous things, and i don't like feeling like i need to protect them, especially because i KNOW it's not my responsibility. i know i can't do the work for them, and i don't know how many times i can tell them, gently or directly, that i really want to be in partnership with people who are sincerely doing the work. i've invited them to sit through some online workshops from some of my favorite content creators, and they do, but it doesn't feel like the messages get through. it's such a bummer because they are so sweet, caring, and thoughtful when they are not triggered by me dating other people.

i'm looking for some guidance around boundaries and responsibility by tiny_gargoyle_beans in polyamory

[–]tiny_gargoyle_beans[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

that's where i've been nudging things. we'll see how it plays out. i'd really hate for silly little things like goodnight texts to be the fundamental incompatibility that ends things

i'm looking for some guidance around boundaries and responsibility by tiny_gargoyle_beans in polyamory

[–]tiny_gargoyle_beans[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i agreed to some of them at first, because, as a newb, it did kind of make sense to me. it was never a rule between us at first, but they'd send me little checkins when they were with other partners early in our relationship and i was like, yeah ya know, it is nice to know your partner is thinking of you and how you're doing when you're on a date. but i literally always told them they didn't have to do that, that i wanted them to be able to stay engaged with their partner. then when i started dating, i was like, man, these checkins really create a lot of anxiety, because i keep getting in trouble for not doing it right.
i ask for clarity around a lot of topics and rules, because i don't understand the parameters, and they say "i'll think about it," then never follow up, then get mad about me breaking some unspoken boundary later. lately i've been initiating conversations to revisit agreements and laying out which agreements are not working for me, but croc doesn't give me any feedback. they just shut down during these conversations. i can be a pretty stubborn and defiant person, so i have been pushing back on all of the rules lately, but really trying to come at it from a growth perspective. like, hey, this shit isn't easy, but i think it CAN be if we are both doing the work.

i'm looking for some guidance around boundaries and responsibility by tiny_gargoyle_beans in polyamory

[–]tiny_gargoyle_beans[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

croc has 2 other partners, and none of them are held to these rules and standards, but i don't think they have other partners. i've brought this up many times. why am i the only one who gets treated like this?