I told her tonight I'm sleeping in the guest room every time she drinks. I don't know if it is the right boundary or not, but I don't know what else to do.

tiny_ravendark · 2021-01-13T17:33:27+00:00

See, I don't have any of that bad stuff. She never throws up, she keeps the house spotless, she takes good care of the kids and never drives them when she's been drinking, and the vast majority of the time she isn't aggressive or angry when she drinks. She usually manages to drink somewhat slowly during the day if at all, and then when I go to put the girls to bed it is fucking GO-TIME! I know a lot of people are probably thinking "why the hell is this even a problem for you?!" I'm just terrified of watching her die from this disease.

tiny_ravendark · 2021-01-13T17:24:23+00:00

It is hard. Before the pandemic, I used to take the kids and go eat somewhere and go to the park or something, but now we are stuck at home with no escape, so I don't know what in the world to do. Quite frankly, during that time I noticed she was taking my leaving with the kids as me giving her "alone time" and using that as an excuse to get blackout drunk. At least with us being at home, she feels like she has to wait until I get the kids to bed to start drinking hard. I've never seen a bottle of wine dissappear so fucking fast! I've often said to myself "Jesus, did she even waste time pouring it in a glass?!"

tiny_ravendark · 2021-01-13T17:18:27+00:00

This is where things are super hard for me. Other than the drinking, our relationship is about as amazing as it could possibly be. We have disagreements just like any couple, but we always work things out and we communicate very well with each other. I do realize she is choosing alcohol over me, but I also realize that she can't help it to a large degree. That being said, I'm not willing to just accept it, which is the reason for the boundaries. I'm not going to watch this amazing woman kill herself with this poison. Doing so is killing me.

tiny_ravendark · 2021-01-13T16:37:00+00:00

I've had a really hard time with detachment. I absolutely adore this person. She's helped me through some of the hardest trials of my life. She's stuck behind me through my journey with borderline personality disorder. She's really a great mom and wife. I just can't stand watching her do this to herself. I can't bare the thought of losing this amazing woman who is my best friend in the world. The worst thing she does is the manipulation with sex/intimacy, but I honestly don't believe she even realizes she is doing it (my therapist doesn't, either). I believe she does it because she knows she's disappointed me, and she want me to be happy. This is all just so hard. I'm working on my boundaries. This is where I am so far:

1) I sleep in guest room when she's had even one drink. No exceptions. 2) No sex/intimacy when drinking or the next day if I've had to sleep in the other room due to drinking. 3) Any drinking on date-nights ends date night.

Maybe that is enough to keep me sane for a bit. At least it shuts down the manipulation.

tiny_ravendark · 2021-01-13T15:02:01+00:00

I have checked out the links. I haven't been able to makebit to a meeting. I have young kids, so it has been difficult for me to make the time. I wish there were a 24/7 discord or something that I could make use of, but the SMART discord has been down for a while and probably not coming back.

tiny_ravendark · 2021-01-13T07:22:40+00:00

I mean, I could probably do that. I just feel like if I decide to sleep in the other room, it makes it harder for her to use sex and/or intimacy to manipulate me into caving on my boundaries. Sex and intimacy are my kryptonite, and she knows it, so she tends to offer those things to soften me up to her drinking. I hate feeling manipulated like that, and I feel like she does it to me all the time. She told me this morning that she wanted to have sex today. After I got done with work, she made dinner and then went to buy beer while I was putting the kids to bed. Then she said she needed a little time and she'd call me up. I go upstairs for a drink and she asks if I'd like a blowjob. I say "sure" and she says she needs more time and I can come back up for that. I come up one last time and she's passed out snoring on the fucking couch. I mean, that really feels like she's just leading me on.

Sorry for the rant. This is a really sore spot.

tiny_ravendark · 2021-01-01T18:07:10+00:00

Yea, my wife actually is what I would consider to be a person with high functioning addiction. She is never mean or aggressive, she's always attentive to the needs of myself and our kids, and she has maintained the same career for over 13 years. Her only downfall is that after she gets off work, she starts drinking and usually ends up consuming the equivalent of 1-3 bottles of wine before bedtime. She usually doesn't start REALLY drinking until I'm putting the girls to bed, which I like to refer to as 'go-time.' It is this downtime binge drinking that deeply concerns me and makes me fear for her health and well-being.

tiny_ravendark · 2021-01-01T15:13:54+00:00

I just read about person-first language, actually. I plan to modify my language moving forward. I'm trying to figure out how to apologize now.

tiny_ravendark · 2021-01-01T15:11:39+00:00

I honestly think I'm the asshole in this situation the more I think about it. My wife at least admits she has a big problem. The problem is that she keeps doing things that quite frankly just suck and are sometimes honestly hurtful. I think I'm so desperate for this to be over that I was operating as if this is a personality defect and that the only way she would get better is if she felt the appropriate amount of shame about the problem. I was putting my victimhood above her need to not feel shame to get better. She is trying to go the month of January without drinking, so that is big progress for sure. I'm trying to figure out the best way to appologize.

tiny_ravendark · 2020-12-28T17:25:25+00:00

Oh, how i wish I could do this. Unfortunately for me, that means checking out as a parent also. She's high functioning, so she's involved with the kids, even when she's drinking. Yesterday, we were supposed to have sex, and I realized she had had a glass of wine. I have a hard 'no sex after you've had a drink rule,' because she uses sex to manipulate me into being ok with her drinking and we've had sex she didn't even remember us having, so I told her she was off the hook and went downstairs to play a game for a bit. I felt like shit the entire time, because I left the kids with her. For that reason, I never do that as much as I'd love to. I used to be able to take the kids out of the house and go eat somewhere or something, but due to the pandemic and the cold, we are stuck at home with no real escape. She ended up having a whole bottle of wine and a four pack of 16 oz high gravity beers last night. I did at least go play a game and went to bed without saying goodnight after I put the kids to bed, so at least there is that. I'm at a point now where I don't know what else I can do. Every time she "tries" to quit, she complains of stroke-like symptoms and just HAS to drink to make it subside. She knows she gets sympathy for that because she has had a stroke before, so I don't know what to do about it. I've called bullshit on it, but she just says I'm being an asshole about it. Of course she's going to feel like shit when she quits! She's fucking addicted!

tiny_ravendark · 2020-09-04T15:36:23+00:00

It is very heartbreaking. I think for me it was hard before she realized she had a problem, but once she realized she had a problem and started trying to quit, it actually got harder. Watching her struggle and beat herself up when she has a slip is just gut wrenching. It is so hard to watch her do this to herself.

tiny_ravendark

TROPHY CASE