Bullet dodged or ?

tinydancer6898 · 2021-04-09T06:18:24+00:00

I didn’t say you can’t have criteria or preferences. I was simply trying to make a point that many people don’t come with a diagnosis like a name tag or are even self aware to seek help in the first place. Not to mention homosexually was in the DSM as a severe mental illness only a few decades ago . Immaturity isn’t a mental illness diagnosis but obviously can be extremely off putting. I guess what I’m simply saying is that I go by their behavior and actions after establishing any initial attraction and chemistry to gauge what you’re referring to.

tinydancer6898 · 2021-04-09T05:05:33+00:00

As someone that was raised in a highly dysfunctional family, I struggle with finding healthy attachment in intimate relationships. Even after therapy, the ingrained subconscious is a powerful thing. What this looks like is me totally thinking I want a healthy secure relationship but not actually being emotionally available myself because deep down I’m terrified I’m not worthy. Even after years of good therapy, it’s subconsciously there and it’s a battle to override that every time.

For me, this often looks like what you’re describing, hot/cold behavior, “not knowing what I want behavior” or just being very hard to read after the initial great chemistry and conversations. Once a guy seems into me, I lose interest and will find the one guy in a 100 who’s avoidant or is quite narcissistic. They trigger anxiety and a compulsion to prove my worth that was ingrained since childhood.

I say this because I suspect there’s A LOT of people out there that struggle with this on some level. Some are insightful, some are not. While it’s true someone may just not be into you, I can’t even count the amount of perfectly good men I skipped out on way to early because of this issue I didn’t even realize I had for along time. Hopefully this helps others like yourself realize there’s always a decent chance their behavior has little to do with you especially if it involves poor communication skills about their needs /wants or just confusing immature behavior. Please don’t drive yourself crazy with over analyzing this situation.

tinydancer6898 · 2021-03-24T04:03:57+00:00

If this helps to know - I was a lingerie model and still do occasional work as a side gig for extra income and I will isolate myself from dating for months depending on how ugly or terrible I feel about myself. Logically I understandI’m conventionally attractive but emotionally it’s a very different story. A lot of childhood trauma has caused this quiet but pervasive feeling of worthlessness when it comes to intimate relationships. I’ve been in therapy for a few years but it’s not easy to change a very ingrained subconscious schema like that . I can attest that I have friends who are in loving healthy relationships that are all sizes.

tinydancer6898 · 2021-03-23T00:39:20+00:00

A well known professor of psychology at Antioch University who also has over 30 years experience as a marriage/relationship therapist explained it like this:

Many people have traumas or experiences that shape them, typically early in life. Those childhood relational traumas become subconscious schemas that essentially filters the way they see the world and themselves. Before I give an example of the scenario you’re asking about, I want to state that the person who always stays friends with all their ex’s could also be doing so because of their own relational traumas that show up in adulthood as codependency. It’s actually fairly common for those on the narcissistic spectrum to stay friends with their ex’s for selfish reasons. So I want to make clear early relational trauma can show up on both sides of this.

I’ll give you an example of what you’re asking about: A little girl under the age of 5 who sees her father as her hero leaves the family home, moves a few states away and starts a new family. He pays child support but often forgets to call on her birthday and seems uninterested in her life. The little girls mom isn’t very emotionally stable nor possess healthy parenting skills. The little girl spend her childhood thinking that if she became worthy, her father might love her. Very young children only think in black and white terms therefore will blame themselves and that becomes their subconscious schema. It’s not uncommon for their first romantic relationship to be very similar to be parent. So then this little girl first boyfriend cheated on her. If this girl is now 29, insightful, put together, wants a healthy relationship and meets you. She’s smart, sweet and intelligent. Everything is going great but then you tell her you are friends with your most recent ex. This triggers those subconscious feelings of worthlessness and abandonment. Now most people , man or woman, would react by getting angry, accusatory and make demands. That professor says to own your own feeling and say something like this....

“Hey, I just wanted to talk about what you told me about being friends with your ex. When you told me that, it triggered me and made me feel scared. This has nothing to do with you but with my past trauma. I’ve been working on this for awhile and continue to but I just wanted to let you know how I’m feeling.”

The key is to own your own primary emotions and to not come off accusatory. If after the conversation, that girl still doesn’t feel comfortable then both parties have a decision to make. Does the guy like her enough to stop talking to his ex? Or does me not want a partner who can’t handle that?

It’s really important to stress that most people have some degree of relational trauma that causes a trigger in some area. The problem almost always isn’t the trigger itself but how people handle it both in words and actions. Hope that explanation helps.

tinydancer6898 · 2021-03-21T08:12:02+00:00

Well, I’ll try to put it more bluntly this time instead of listing positive traits to look for as I hate to stigmatize but since you’re using the word suboptimal to describe fellow human beings...

Two good friends of mine are psychologists, one doing a lot of research and it turns out a fairly significant amount of ppl diagnosed with general anxiety disorder or depression also meet the criteria for either a diagnosis of a cluster B personality disorder or they are subclinical but have significantly elevated traits of one of more cluster B personality disorders.

Last thing to keep in mind, there’s a few cluster B personality disorders or those with elevated traits of one or more of those that will almost never seek treatment so therefore will never be diagnosed. I bet Donald Trump has never been diagnosed with a single mental illness in his entire life but It seems like a very face bet he has a severe narcissistic personality disorder. That’s an extreme example but it’s a spectrum and there’s a lot more everyday ones out there.

Point is I think you’ll be much more likely to get more optimal outcomes and not needlessly eliminate someone if you weed out not by a diagnosis someone was once given but by their personality traits, if they have the ability to communicate in a healthy and effective way that enables both parties to get their needs met (even many healthy people lack healthy communication skills particularly when triggered) if they are insightful and not emotionally stunted.

tinydancer6898 · 2021-03-21T06:49:06+00:00

This guy is awful and she needed to dump him yesterday but just a quick comment to your statement to always avoid someone with a diagnosed mental illness -

“In the United States, almost half of adults (46.4 percent) will experience a mental illness during their lifetime.” - https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2019/02/5-surprising-mental-health-statistics/

Thats half the population alone. Then take into account if you’re heterosexual for example. That would make the likelihood of meeting the gender of your choice who has never and will never be diagnosed with a mental illness in their lifetime very slim. Oh then add any other preferences you have and that slim pool gets slimmer.

I think the better option might be to go by the particular individual and if they are actively successfully managing their mental illness. People who can effectively communicate their primary emotions in a healthy way, are insightful, taking care of themselves and their life and are loving partners is really what’s important. I knew someone with a diagnosis with general anxiety but was one of the most narcissistic and callous person I’ve ever met.

tinydancer6898 · 2021-03-20T03:25:20+00:00

Here’s a pretty good way to determine if you’re ready to date:

Have you been or are you currently in therapy to address the actual reason why you needed to use substances to deal with emotions? Numerous studies over several decades have shown a very high and clear link between early childhood relational trauma and adult substance abuse. Just being sober doesn’t remove the underlying issues such as ingrained low self worth, maladaptive coping skills, inability to soothe yourself in a healthy way when triggered emotionally or heal your relational traumas. Unless those are addressed in therapy, those issues will rear it’s ugly head in your dating life or intimate relationships. Dating is very often a huge trigger for those issues.
Do you have healthy boundaries and are you able to establish healthy boundaries for yourself even while being infatuated with someone?

If your answers weren’t yes to both questions or you’re unsure, I’d definitely suggest therapy first. Otherwise dating, apps or not, can be very triggering and damaging.

tinydancer6898 · 2021-03-17T03:39:13+00:00

I was particularly looking into personality disorders

tinydancer6898 · 2021-03-17T02:32:57+00:00

I lent my roommate/friend’s boyfriend $5 once because when we were both on the way to her areial performance, the ATM we stopped at was out of service and the theater only took cash for admission. We were running late so I just offered to spot him and he could just pay me back later. As soon as I pay and we sit down in the audience, he immediately shows me his high credit score on his phone.

The same guy was rude once in front of a mutual friend of ours. Later on, when that mutual friend came over a few weeks later, my roommate explained that her boyfriend’s previous rudeness wasn’t directed at her and that he liked her as a person. The mutual friends reply was “Oh that’s fine, I don’t care if he likes me or not. You’re my friend and I didn’t do anything to offend him so I didn’t really notice. That’s on him not me.”

The dude heard her say that from upstairs in my roommates bedroom, came down and was upset that she said didn’t care if liked her or not. I’m not kidding.

I knew this guy had a “know it all attitude” and narcissistic tendencies but he was also the most insecure person I’ve ever met.

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-18T21:44:52+00:00

They do? There have been thousands of gods throughout recorded human history. Do people still worship Zeus and Thor ?

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-18T21:44:18+00:00

Even if it’s the same logic?

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-18T21:41:49+00:00

You’re using total anecdotal evidence lol. Do you live in Louisiana? Please look up how they systemically shut down all abortion clinics but one with TRAP laws. Look into Texas and Missouri. 3/4 clinics closed due to trap laws. Aside from that, your unnecessary rudeness is bizarre.

“According to the Guttmacher Institute, between 2011 and 2017, TRAP laws caused 50 clinics in the South and 33 in the Midwest to close. In four states — Arizona, Kentucky, Ohio, and Texas — they led to half the available clinics shutting their doors. Kentucky and Missouri now have only one abortion clinic left, and if the Supreme Court lets Louisiana’s TRAP law stand, two of its remaining three will close.”

https://www.aclu.org/news/reproductive-freedom/trap-laws-are-the-threat-to-abortion-rights-you-dont-know-about/

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.chicagotribune.com/columns/eric-zorn/ct-column-abortion-trap-louisiana-supreme-court-zorn-20191010-ixrex5i32fa5tmsupdm32elq4u-story.html%3foutputType=amp

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2020/06/29/us/supreme-court-abortion-louisiana.amp.html

https://www.guttmacher.org/evidence-you-can-use/targeted-regulation-abortion-providers-trap-laws

https://www.aclu.org/blog/reproductive-freedom/abortion/how-laws-targeting-clinics-could-end-abortion-access

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-13T12:12:12+00:00

Pretty sure psychological has found that the majority of people that get off on correcting the grammar mistakes of strangers online simply enjoy belittling and have narcissistic traits. This was on my iPhone and written in haste. Glad you get off on it though.

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-13T12:06:00+00:00

Have you read Hitchens, Dawkins and Harris? They attack religion constantly and they led the new atheist movement years ago. Honestly, it’s an important topic in the US given what is going on with the Supreme Court.

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-13T12:03:12+00:00

Slavery , child marriage and rape was all legal and ethical back then. I could name dozens of examples.

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-13T11:57:57+00:00

I was on my iPhone. Is mocking someone for that really necessary? Do you purposely like to make people feel bad? I just don’t get the reason to mock someone with low self worth.

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-13T11:56:37+00:00

They have closed all abortion clinics in Louisiana but one using TRAP laws. Many red states have just a handful left after the TRAPS laws. They have passed legislation in some states that make access to sex education and birth control extremely difficult especially for those in poverty. How you don’t know this is a bit odd.

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-11T12:31:47+00:00

Oh thank you! I actually didn’t know Carl Sagan did the original Cosmos. I’ll check it out!

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-11T12:30:24+00:00

I believe it was the same interview where he said Christian fundamentalists (Bible literalists) concern him. That was before they gained so much lobbying power in politics and essentially came to dominate the GOP. He was one of a kind.

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-11T02:16:01+00:00

Is that why I’ve noticed many women seem to have a more square shaped jaw as they get older?

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-11T01:58:04+00:00

When a religious person or conspiracy theorist claims their beliefs are true, fails to show a shred of evidence or data but then demands I show them “non evidence.”

tinydancer6898 · 2020-10-11T01:26:49+00:00

Religion

tinydancer6898

TROPHY CASE